Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Three Things

A word of advice to any cheating husbands who profess to want to save their marriages: stop talking about how much you love the other woman. It doesn't help.

What's up with all that, anyway? Why does Governor Sanford insist on sharing his feelings with the press? How besotted can one guy be? Has he doodled his and his paramour's initials on his desk in the South Carolina State House yet?

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I can't tell you how disturbing it is to me to realize that every single day disgruntled parents are Googling "ungrateful grown children." How do I know that there are so many people dissatisfied with their adult offspring's behavior? Because this post comes up first. They all come here, these Ghosts of Parenting Future, not realizing that I cannot help them.

Go away - please. You're scaring me.

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Today I had to submit an invoice detailing what I had done on my new job so that I could be paid. Imagine if I could do that with my full-time job here at home:
  1. Serving and clean-up of meals - 3 hours @ $10 per hour - $30
  2. Wiping down 2 bathrooms - 15 minutes - $2.50
  3. Reading A Baby Sister For Frances - 15 minutes plus the Frances book surcharge of $5 - $7.50
  4. Wiping 2 poopy bottoms @ $10 per bottom (hey, that's what Anna tried charging me once) - $20
  5. 2 loads of laundry @ $5 a load - $10
  6. Showing up at the pool in a bathing suit - let's see, public humiliation goes for, oh, $30 an hour, I'd say - so I'll charge $60.
  7. Settling fights and supervising chores - flat daily rate of $100 (it's a bargain!)
Let's see...that all adds up to....hey! $230! Not bad work, if you can get it. Now if I only had someone to submit this invoice to...


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23 comments:

  1. Showing up in a bathing suit IS public humilation. I think you deserve more money for that.

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  2. Hey, new layout! Where have I been? I was going to post about the same thing about the gov but I'll hold off and do it when it's FRIDAY1

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  3. Must've been good stuff for him to be so enamored - AND stupid.

    Congrats on the editing gig. You underbid yourself on the other job though...just sayin'

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  4. There's a bonus for taking off the wrap and actually getting in the pool, I presume?

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  5. You forgot to include overtime charges for changing wet sheets and cleaning up after sick kids in the middle of the night.
    And you should also get paid for all the homeschooling.

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  6. I just about threw a shoe at my husband last night when he said I should do more of the cleaning and screw the maid so he could save himself some money.

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  7. That's a lot more than I get paid, that's for sure. Wanna switch jobs?

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  8. Only 3 hours for serving AND cleaning up meals? No way.

    The Frances surcharge. hah. I can definitely think of some books in this house that require a surcharge. (Do you not like Frances?)

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  9. If I could rant in this little white comment box for just a second about philandering husbands.... It does NOT help your cause in your divorce proceedings when you go on record correcting the AP reporter that it was not "an affair" but that it was "a love story" and that she was "your soulmate" and that you will "try to fall back in love with your wife."

    I will stop now before my head explodes and gives you something else to add to your billing.

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  10. I think Gov. Sanford is a snake. but that's a mean thing to say about snakes.
    Yeah, we don't get paid half what we're worth as moms. I'd at least take a tax deduction and free national park passes.

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  11. --It's very telling how this Sanford nonsense is keeping the sex-obsessed media occupied and they're completely ignoring the preschoolers in the New York State Senate. This lovely collection of idiots has been throwing temper tantrums for a while now with not nearly as much national coverage. As a (Western) New Yorker, I'm torn between relief that not many know of our apparent incompetence in electing our senators and wishing more coverage would embarrass these people into behaving like grown-ups.

    --Hmmm. Is it bad parenting or bratty kids despite good parenting that cause so much disgruntlement? I've seen it go both ways.

    --Do you think you could also get reimbursed for "training expenses"? Such as, all those meals served and cleaned, all those diapers changed, all that motherhood experience that allows you to perform those tasks with aplomb? Doctors often get their school expenses covered when they work in the private sphere. Just sayin'.

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  12. Like your new colors!

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  13. I'm thinking they'll come more now that you've said their name. Ghosts of Parenting Future are like that.

    And adulterers are just idiots on so many levels. The not-so-honorable Governor of SC is just one in a long line of thoughtless fools.

    You are not underpaid; you are just priceless. (It's what I keep chanting to myself.)

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  14. "try to fall back in love with your wife."

    Oooooh. If Jenny Sanford stays with him after that one, she deserves him. What a massive, massive tool.

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  15. I think Governor Sanford is off his nut. I hope his wife leaves him and divorces him and takes him for everything. You don't have an affair, publicly announce it and then publicly announce how this skank you had an affair with is your soul mate. Hasn't he heard? Skanks don't do soul mate.

    Stopping by for the July Comment Challenge.

    http://lolasdiner.blogspot.com
    http://lolasvictorygarden.blogspot.com
    http://firecrotchrocket.blogspot.com

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  16. LOVE the invoice idea. I wonder if my hubby will pay me for the time spent, publishing the important moments of our lives on the computer every day.(Facebook,& blogging)hmmm, it is a thought. What should I charge?

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  17. I know, pretty creepy to hear all his words of love.
    I think you're probably underestimating your worth there...

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  18. And how much do they pay you for an hour of eating bon bons?

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  19. Love the Francis book surcharge. I could have been RICH.

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  20. I love that the Governor is telling the press that he is trying to fall back in love with his wife. That guy is just a total jackass.

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  21. At least they come to your blog for parenting advice. They come to my blog for boys' haircuts (although I suspect the pictures from last summer might scare some of them away).

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  22. Let's go crazy and put the best construction on the whole Mark Sanford thing. He and Maria are tragic, star-crossed lovers -- soulmates, transcending time and space. At this point, the best thing he could do in my eyes is to move to Argentina and live with his soul mate in poverty, obscurity, and bliss. (And leave our news cycle. NOW.)

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  23. I think we should put "butt wiping" on our taxes and hope for a tax cut...

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