Friday, July 05, 2013

Picture Imperfect

My new driver's license arrived in the mail today.

Please note - in my home state, you are not allowed to smile for your driver's license photo.  If there are any teeth showing, they make you take it over.  Last time this requirement caught me by surprise, and I ended up with a picture wherein I looked like a sour old hag.  You know how they say the camera adds 10 pounds?  Well, in my case, it adds 10 years. 



Kittens are photogenic.  I'm jealous.
Seriously - you know those mug shots of apprehended women criminals that are published in the paper sometimes?  With the stringy hair and the dour expression and the haggard face?  Those photos look downright attractive compared to what I have been carrying around on my license the past few years.

This time, I was determined to beat the system.  For several days beforehand, I worked on attaining what I thought was a pleasant, smiling look without moving my lips.   It's all in the eyebrows and the eyes, I decided.  I've GOT this.

So, as I've already said, my new license arrived in the mail today.  I tore open the envelope and steeled myself to view the results.  Would it be as bad as last time?  No.  No, it wasn't.

It was WORSE.  I look positively insane.  Eyebrows up, eyes sort of bugging out under droopy lids (and where the heck did those come from?), and lips pressed together in a crooked line.  INSANE. 

My only comfort is knowing that I cannot possibly look this way for real.  If I did, people would run screaming from me in the street.  Friends would beg me to wear a bag over my head.  My children would burst into tears whenever I came near.

8 years, people - I've got 8 years to practice for the next one.


[Kittens image: SPCA Otago]

14 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! This is hilarious. I am picturing Jack Nicholson crazy in the Shining!

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  2. Ha! Or you could, you know, "accidentally" lose it.... (I have never wished more that you put personal photos up on your blog.)

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    Replies
    1. And I have never been more convinced of the wisdom in that no-personal-photos policy.

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  3. I am laughing so hard right now! (And ditto what Korinthia wrote in parenthesis.)

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    1. Just wait - it will be your turn soon. Start practicing.

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  4. After what felt like a hundred years of a meth-addict's-homelier-sister's DMV photo, I forked over the extra money for a new picture when I renewed last time. I wanted it to show my now-gray hair, and while I was at it, I dressed cute and practiced my most winning smile. Sales clerks comment on how nice it looks (and then lament how dreadful theirs are, which I never doubt) and all I feel is vindicated. I earned that picture!

    The lucky thing about a ghastly DMV photo is that's clearly NOT how you look, even on your worst day. Hide it in your wallet and know you ALWAYS look better than that!

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  5. LOL!! I think my VA license expires later this year, so I will be going through the same thing soon.

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  6. Another benefit of renewing at AAA is that if the picture is terrible, they'll take another one. I'm not allowed to wear my glasses for mine now, or smile, so I have a kind of smirk on my face and I look better than in real life (because no glasses). Plus my birthday is at the end of summer so I always have a tan and sun-highlighted hair in my license photo.

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  7. Seriously? They don't let you smile? How awful!

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  8. In Michigan, they snap the photo then turn the screen around and ask if you want to use it or take another. Can't remember if we are allowed to smile...

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  9. In Iowa they won't let you smile, glasses must be removed, and all hair pushed back from forehead so eyebrows show. My latest makes me look like I am in serious need of plastic surgery after I finish running from the law. Plus, no retakes! Depressing!

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  10. Hahahaha my husband keeps telling me I need to get a new license. I'm like it's not worth it it will still look like crap! I got a new Costco card since I've lost weight and it still looks like shit. If that one looks that bad I have no hope for the DMV!

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  11. My pictures are all from before I lost weight. Granted, I gained some of it back (ugh) but I still take comfort in knowing that I don't REALLY look that bad.... do I?

    We can't smile here, either.

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  12. You crack me up! When I had to renew my license I didn't smile and the lady taking the picture ask me if I wanted to redo it and smile. I looked like I was holding back a fart. lol I figure if I get pulled over that is about how I'd look.

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