My superpower is the ability to be the only one in this house who can see the trash overflowing.
If Mary was visited by the angel Gabriel today, instead of saying "what manner of salutation is this? " she'd just say, "OMG, WTF?"@steveolivas
The last machine I raged against had my bag of Funyons stuck on the spindle thingy.@ashleycrem
If I were holding my baby, and I saw a spider on my arm, I'm not confident of what my instinct would be.@simoncholland
A tornado siren but for when my daughter rolls her eyes at my wife.@yobully
You always hear about how scary clowns are yet nobody ever mentions middle-aged women in pigtails.@pourmecoffee
"Finish your homework before you get online, Malala." "I must have misplaced it, maybe I'll check here under my NOBEL PEACE PRIZE."@david_tull
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.@WilliamAder
I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.
How dare you refer to the internet as "outrage culture," you stupid talentless hack. Unbelievable.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.@brittanyherself
Nothing helps you realize your parents weren't assholes for no good reason than trying to put a fitted sheet on the top bunk.@capricecrane
The closest we've ever come to time travel is saying, "Hang on I'm just gonna check one thing on the internet," and then it's 5 hours later.@sammyrhodes
So we’re all just going to keep pretending Putin isn’t Dobby’s long lost brother? Ok cool.@MoRocca
Tennille to Captain: "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Captain now."@moooooog35
Teenage daughters: because God hates parents.
[Twitter image: Edudemic]
[Happy Twitter: The Telegraph]
[Hat Twitter: seoclerks]