Why stop now? I challenge your other readers to do some blender Browning, oven Plath, microwave Cummings, and perhaps even some BBQ Frost. This could be fun.
"oven Plath"? Is Cheri one sick puppy or what? I love it.
Elizabeth suggested "Stopping By My Freezer on a Snowy Evening." How about the rest of you? Send in your submissions (hopefully more than a title, maybe a first verse?) for our all-new appliance poetry slam; prizes not guaranteed, as I am the most unreliable blogger ever.
**********************
Larry and Theo are away all week, working on other people's houses (have I mentioned that already? Do I sound bitter, or what?); I took advantage of Larry's absence to hold another Pampered Chef fundraiser at my house. I figured, so long as he was gone, he couldn't possibly sabotage my efforts like last time.
[Again, newbies, click on that link. It's classic Larry...]
I'll tell you, it was a pleasure having a kitchen floor to walk on this time. It was way too hot to bother to clean my oven, but that's okay. I think more than once every 2 years would be a bit excessive, don't you?
Anyway, when Larry called yesterday evening, I casually mentioned the day's activities. Folks, I never knew one can feel panic and apprehension coming over the phone wire. I could almost hear him wondering if he could get in touch with the credit card company pronto and stop all payments.
(Nice try, sweetie - but I paid cash.)
You'd think I had a history of spending all his hard-earned money on Pampered Chef products. Please. Last time (more than a year and a half ago), I spent less than 50 dollars. This time around? I bought a replacement cutting board - my wooden one is so old and warped it curves upward in the middle. A cutting board, mind you, that I use at least once a day. Also? I got a grater. Because the Tupperware grater that I picked up 10 years ago at a thrift shop has gone missing.
My point being, Larry doesn't know how lucky he is.
[Again, newbies, click on that link. It's classic Larry...]
I'll tell you, it was a pleasure having a kitchen floor to walk on this time. It was way too hot to bother to clean my oven, but that's okay. I think more than once every 2 years would be a bit excessive, don't you?
Anyway, when Larry called yesterday evening, I casually mentioned the day's activities. Folks, I never knew one can feel panic and apprehension coming over the phone wire. I could almost hear him wondering if he could get in touch with the credit card company pronto and stop all payments.
(Nice try, sweetie - but I paid cash.)
You'd think I had a history of spending all his hard-earned money on Pampered Chef products. Please. Last time (more than a year and a half ago), I spent less than 50 dollars. This time around? I bought a replacement cutting board - my wooden one is so old and warped it curves upward in the middle. A cutting board, mind you, that I use at least once a day. Also? I got a grater. Because the Tupperware grater that I picked up 10 years ago at a thrift shop has gone missing.
My point being, Larry doesn't know how lucky he is.
********************
I'm trying not to babble on about Michael Jackson, about how his music formed the soundtrack of my 20's and I can't hear any of those songs without getting incredibly nostalgic and gosh where has the time gone and wow how did he dance like that and please don't remind me of that weird pedophilia business, okay?
But it's all I can think about. Me and the rest of the world, it seems. Who cares about that incipient revolution in Iran? Or those nukes headed our way from North Korea? Let's listen again to "Billy Jean" and try to convince ourselves that he's not saying, "The chair is not my son."
(Watch this video - it's not all Michael. It's funny.)
As for Farrah Fawcett, I would like to point out that my entire 7th-grade year was ruined by the fact that I couldn't get my hair to feather on the sides like hers did. I know it's petty, but I never really forgave her for that. Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
But it's all I can think about. Me and the rest of the world, it seems. Who cares about that incipient revolution in Iran? Or those nukes headed our way from North Korea? Let's listen again to "Billy Jean" and try to convince ourselves that he's not saying, "The chair is not my son."
(Watch this video - it's not all Michael. It's funny.)
As for Farrah Fawcett, I would like to point out that my entire 7th-grade year was ruined by the fact that I couldn't get my hair to feather on the sides like hers did. I know it's petty, but I never really forgave her for that. Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
Larry has it easy. Pampered Chef parties are an easy hundy in this house. I'm a sucker for at home shows. I might even have driven to your house for yours.
ReplyDeleteMy hair was feathered, just like hers. Only...it never wanted to lay flat. Instead, the ends curled so tightly I stored pencils in there for grins.
ReplyDeleteRIP Michael. RIP Farah.
Is this what it means to get older? Watching your childhood icons die out? Gaaah!
Really cute video. My boys have even tried to do the moonwalk. LOL
ReplyDeleteI was pretty sad to hear about Farrah Fawcett, but I'm not sure yet how I feel about Michael Jackson.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of these Pampered Chef parties. Do they do them in the city too?????
electric emotion
ReplyDeletethe sound of 3 long beeps
or is it 3 short beeps
or 2 shorts and a long?
matters not
only that my water heats
and then
the teabag slides
slowly
in
ode to a microwave, with apologies to ee cummings
Wait, you didn't invite me to you PC party? I'm usually good for a spatula. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who cannot help hearing "the chair is not my son" in that song.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "oven Plath." Heh heh heh. How I wish I had the poetic ability to come up with a clever parody. Something better than
"Alas, poor KitchenAid! I knew him, Horatio."
When in doubt, claim Shakespeare said it. The sum of my knowledge as an English major.
MY entire seventh grade year was also ruined by Farrah's hair.
ReplyDeleteLarry has no idea how lucky he is. I used to sell PC and let me tell you--people dropped hundreds of dollars regularly.
Loved the "oven Plath"
ReplyDeleteI had my sister take a picture of me bending over an oven and sent it to a few friends that would get the joke, saying "my impression of Sylvia Plath".
I only know about her because I had to do my 11th grade English class poet research project on her.
Hello dear Correspondent: Thank you for commenting on The Jason Show! I've seen your name around a few places and I'm glad we've finally crossed paths. Your blog seems like a wide and wonderful place to be--I shall return. Thanks for reading, I do appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy I'm not the only one whose teen years were ruined by trying to get Farrah-hair.
ReplyDeleteSo many bad haircuts in this doomed pursuit...
Larry is soooo lucky! I have anew kitchen floor too! Whoopeee! I can't get those songs or that hair out of my head either. But I just have to say Iranian women rock!
ReplyDeleteTwo Haikus for my Disposall
ReplyDeleteI scrape my child's food
Into the Disposall drain.
Cooking wastes my time.
My Disposall died.
I don't know what to do with
My toddler's dinner.
Oh Lord. I found Appliance Haiku:
ReplyDeletehttp://fixitnow.com/haikus-for-appliance-repair/
"These haikus contain sacred appliance knowledge. To experience their deeper, hidden wisdom, you should read them aloud, reverently and under soft lighting while burning incense. Be careful not to read too many at a time, they must be savored like fine saké to achieve true appliance satori (enlightenment)."
I think that I shall never see,
ReplyDeleteA thing as lovely as A/C,
A/C whose cooling air is prest
Against my sweaty, heaving br3ast.
A/C that runs the entire day,
And causes me to thankfully pray;
A/C that keeps my family cool,
during this summer heat so cruel;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make A/C.
With all due apologies to Joyce Kilmer
(And my hair never feathered, either.)
Poor William Carlos Williams
ReplyDeleteSo much depends
upon
the insta-hot water
dispenser
ruby red rooibos
ready
in my mug
now
My heart is in Best Buy, my heart is not here
ReplyDeleteMy heart is in Best Buy, a-chasing dishwasher
A-chasing dishwasher and ogling new fridge
My heart is in Best Buy whenever I dream.
doesn't really rhyme, so I am really, really sorry, Robert Burns.
You clean your oven? I clean mine when the burning crud sets off the smoke detector in the next room and not a minute before. :)
ReplyDeleteThe Modern Kitchen
ReplyDeleteMy microwave defrosts the food;
My oven cooks it up.
The garbage disposal eats the food,
And the dishwasher cleans the cup.