New Year's Eve

We're having a wild and crazy night here: Larry and Susie have fallen asleep on the couch, David is doing college applications, and Brian (with 2 of his friends) is having a Dr. Who marathon in the basement.  Rachel is waiting for me to play cards with her (I know! The excitement!), so - for the final night of 2014 - I will leave you with some of my favorite tweets of the year. A Happy New Year to all of you! 


@ericaj1721

My superpower is the ability to be the only one in this house who can see the trash overflowing.

@jp_unfiltered

If Mary was visited by the angel Gabriel today, instead of saying "what manner of salutation is this? " she'd just say, "OMG, WTF?"

@steveolivas

The last machine I raged against had my bag of Funyons stuck on the spindle thingy.

@ashleycrem

If I were holding my baby, and I saw a spider on my arm, I'm not confident of what my instinct would be.

@simoncholland

A tornado siren but for when my daughter rolls her eyes at my wife.

@yobully

You always hear about how scary clowns are yet nobody ever mentions middle-aged women in pigtails.

@pourmecoffee

"Finish your homework before you get online, Malala." "I must have misplaced it, maybe I'll check here under my NOBEL PEACE PRIZE."

@david_tull

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

@WilliamAder

I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

@JohnDeVore

How dare you refer to the internet as "outrage culture," you stupid talentless hack. Unbelievable.

@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@brittanyherself

Nothing helps you realize your parents weren't assholes for no good reason than trying to put a fitted sheet on the top bunk.

@capricecrane

The closest we've ever come to time travel is saying, "Hang on I'm just gonna check one thing on the internet," and then it's 5 hours later.

@sammyrhodes

So we’re all just going to keep pretending Putin isn’t Dobby’s long lost brother? Ok cool.

@MoRocca

Tennille to Captain: "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Captain now."

@moooooog35

Teenage daughters: because God hates parents.

[Twitter image: Edudemic] 
[Happy Twitter: The Telegraph]
[Hat Twitter: seoclerks]