Vacation Advice

1. Before making the spontaneous decision to hike up the highest mountain on the island with the 4 younger kids, take into consideration that one of the children is only 4 years old, you yourself are wearing flip-flops, and a trail labeled moderate by the National Park Service might be anything but.
2. When, against all odds, you get to the top of said mountain and espy the parking lot full of cars driven by people who are apparently too fat/lazy/smart to drag themselves up the mountain the hard way, do refrain from snatching the cameras away from these people's faces and shouting, “You have to earn this view, dammit!” Such behavior embarrasses your spouse.
3. Laundromats are expensive. Go naked.
4. Menfolk, please realize it is the menopause talking when your wife spends the first evening in your nice vacation cottage crying because the top sheet on your bed is not only rust-colored with an ugly floral pattern but also has a ruffle that sticks in one's face.
5. Remember to pack every container of leftover prescription medication that you can get your hands on. Otherwise, you may find yourself midweek regretting that half-full bottle of eardrops you left home in the medicine cabinet. You may also find yourself using a Qtip to insert antibiotic ointment into a suffering 9-year-old's ear. (Ever-skeptical Larry, upon hearing of this particular incident, asked, “What's next? Using the nail clippers to perform an appendectomy?”)
   
6. Do not, under any circumstance, expect your teen daughter to express awe or wonderment in the presence of any natural marvel, be it mountain or sea. To do so would be to violate the hallowed code of sullen adolescent behavior, a code to which she steadfastly adheres.
7. Understand that, if this same teen daughter (for the first time in her life) offers to do the family's laundry, she is not motivated by any sort of laudable desire to help out and be part of the team, as it were. Rather, the laundromat down the street boasts free WiFi.
8. Make sure your loud and articulate 4-year-old understands the proper nomenclature for whatever carbonated beverages you may treat her to. Else, you will hear her announce to whomever is within earshot that Daddy bought her a beer.
9. Do not assume that your husband is a tyrannical despot when he berates your teen son (on vacation!) for having hair that is “too long.” It just may be his own lame way of springing the news that said son's long-hoped-for Army ROTC medical waiver has just come through. (Oh, happy day!)
10. It is most assuredly time to go home when your educational family vacation (natural wonders! geography! history!) degenerates into Uncle Matt teaching all the kids (including the 4-year-old) the ins and outs of poker.
11. Those zucchini in the lefthand vegetable drawer that you forgot to clean out before you left? They're still there. And it ain't pretty.