Home Alone

I was gone, but now I'm back.  I went away for 10 days with 2 girlfriends, something I have not done in over 23 years. I meant to blog about it the day before we left, but life (and packing) got in the way.

So now I am going to tell you all about it, right? Wrong.  Because first, I have to tell you about my return. I've been back 3 days and have yet to unpack my suitcase.  I have yet to sleep in my own bed (which I was dreaming about the entire ride home, after having spent a week sleeping on soft rental beds and on hard floors). I cannot find any of my clothes, and my house looks as though a hurricane went through it.

It was beautiful, but I'm paying for it now.

You see, back before the trip, when I would mention my plans to anyone, she would invariably say, "Wow, that's great Larry is taking the time off work so you can get away!" And I would agree, yeah, Larry IS a nice guy to do that.

But along about the fifth time this happened, a little thought popped up in the back of my head, a thought that went something like this: Larry is looking awfully cheerful about his week off without me.  I brushed it away, but then - when I made a few suggestions to Larry about fun things he could do with the girls while I was away - I could tell that he wasn't really paying attention.  I started to suspect he had plans he wasn't sharing with me.

Nonsense, I told myself.  He's just distracted.  He's taking off work because he's a nice guy.  He certainly isn't going to use that week I am away to start another crazy DIY project.  That would be insane. Stop thinking that.

I looked like this.

Then, 2 days before the trip, as we were taking a walk, he said, "By the way, while you're away, would you mind..."

And I said, "YES! I DO mind! If you start a question that way, you KNOW the answer!"

"You don't even know what I was going to ask you," he said.

"Yes, I do! You want to rip apart the walls to the master bedroom and its walk-in closet. NO! I don't have TIME to clean out that closet before I leave! STOP TEARING APART MY HOUSE!"

Larry denied nothing, which meant I had guessed right. I swear, I felt as though my head would explode. Larry, apparently, didn't notice.

"I can clean out the closet," he said pseudo-helpfully.

People, this is like having your 4-year-old help you with dinner.  He might get the job done, but it will take way longer and your kitchen will never be the same again.

Larry, attempting to take on the walk-in closet

Desperate, I moved from anger to bargaining. "The laundry room is finally cleaned out.  Why don't you have the handyman build shelves in there this week so it doesn't get trashed again? THAT could get done pretty quick."

"No, I have to get that bedroom wall insulated before summer," said the man formerly known as my beloved. "I can get it all done before you get back.  I promise.  Plus the laundry room."

After briefly considering canceling my trip to put a stop to the madness, I capitulated by cleaning out my third of the closet.  I binned everything up, cleaned out the junk piles in the corners of our bedroom, and left on my road trip, hoping for the best.

So, yeah, here I am, back for 3 days, and it's not finished.  PLUS, when I got home, I had to pick out a paint color for the bedroom, pronto, if I ever wanted to sleep in my lovely Hemnes bed with the extra-firm mattress again.  And we all know how much I LOVE to pick out paint colors.

This luxury was mine, once...

You know how the post-vacation glow can last a week, if you're lucky?  Mine lasted maybe 4 hours, max. I'm feeling a tad ripped off, I am.

So how have you been?  Have I missed anything?






[Angry woman image: imgsoup.com] 
[Guy with tools image: closet clip art]