Near Death Experiences and A Giveaway!

Hi! I cleaned my toilet 4 times last night! Another 6 times this morning! I am a toilet-cleaning goddess!

That's what happens, you know, when you have the stomach virus from hell that keeps coming back. Friday, Sunday, and again today! New and improved! In between toilet cleanings, I lay curled up on the couch in a fetal position. And decided that I was suffering from nothing less than end stage colon cancer. Isn't that fun? My only hope was to get well enough to go to the endodontist for my root canal appointment at 12:30. Why I was bothering to take care of my teeth when I was obviously not long for this world is beyond me.

So it wasn't shaping up to be a great day.

But now it is almost dinner time, my stomach seems to have jelled back into one solid mass, and the root canal didn't hurt! I am the world's biggest dental wimp, so that is saying a lot. Of course, the novocaine hasn't totally worn off yet. But have no fear - I have some prescription codeine tablets just in case. Because I cannot afford to lose another night's sleep.

Larry hasn't even called to ask how I am. He's in such trouble.

Since I was spending so much time in the bathroom, I grabbed a book from the stack on my nightstand to read in there. It just so happened that it was Jen Singer's You're A Good Mom. Jen is the blogger behind MommaSaid.net, where, if you will recall, I won the (ahem) prestigious Housewife of the Week award last December. So, naturally, I like Jen. And when she sent me her new book (complete with a very cute promo package) over a month ago, I had every intention of reading it right away and telling people about it (because I'm easy like that).

Well, here we are, many weeks later, and the only reason I didn't finish the book sooner was because I was too busy blogging. Also, I couldn't find the book for a while. And...and...the dog ate it. Anyway, I finished it last night; and, um, Jen? I don't really know how to review a book. I'll just give it the old college try, all right?

Essentially, it is a humorous book about "14 Secrets to Finding Happiness Between Super Mom and Slacker Mom." (I stole that from the cover.) Jen writes about what I and many other moms have discovered - good enough is good enough. Don't center your whole life on the kids. Don't overload them with activities. You don't have to amuse them all the time.

Only, she says it way funnier.

I particularly enjoyed her diatribe against specialized kid soccer leagues and extended soccer schedules. You see, I think soccer should be played in a local league for 8 weeks and no more, fall and maybe spring. Because I am sort of lazy about getting my kids to these things and I don't like kids' activities taking over our lives. But, where I live (and, apparently, where Jen lives, too) the season can stretch into overtime (I had a friend whose son was playing on Thanksgiving Day) and parents travel all over the place to allow their kids to play in a "better" league. I hate that. But, then, I know nothing about sports. Jen, however, lends credibility to my anti-elite-soccer stance; she actually played college soccer and coaches in her local kid leagues. And she feels the same way I do! So there! You can read all about it in her chapter titled, "Don't Let the Youth Sports Cartel Run Your Life."

Thank you, Jen. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

This is a good book for moms with kids no older than 12. Because, if you haven't figured out this stuff by then, you probably are the Super Mom type she warns us about. I'm thinking I would like to give this book away to one lucky commenter; I just have to figure out how to mail it without y'all figuring out where I live. (Wow! I'm doing a giveaway! Just like the real bloggers!)

So comment on this post and let me know if you would like to be entered in the contest. I don't know how to do those random number generator thingies, so I will probably have one of the kids pick a name out of a hat. We'll try to be fair, I promise.

Blog Business

I'm feeling bad for the poor unfortunate from Maryland who was googling "stomach flu large family" today and landed on my blog - apparently they went through all 33 pages, hoping to find some useful information. Not here, honey. All I've got are horror stories. And someone at a high-priced NYC law firm has been googling for a tornado costume. I find this puzzling. But that's okay - I'm sure they find me puzzling, too. And not at all helpful.

I don't know when I find time to analyze my sitemeter referrals so closely - probably when I'm neglecting the children and the laundry.

Like my tag cloud? Pretty, isn't it? I'm rather proud of myself. For those of you who asked, you need to log in to Technorati and look for the tag cloud widget. If I can figure it out, anyone can.

So, where's the funny? I don't know - I thought one of you took it. None of my children acted outrageous today. Or, if they did, I didn't notice. Anna was pleasant and helpful because she wanted to go to the mall with her friend this evening, Susie avoided mischief because she was a little under the weather and lay around all day looking cute and cuddly, the middle kids kept themselves busy with various sand art projects (and yes, there is colored sand everywhere now; but, frankly, I don't give a damn), and Theo was out working at B&N all day. He thought it was boring. Larry and I explained to him that that's why he has to go to college - so he can get a job that isn't boring. Or a job that is boring but pays way better than 8 dollars an hour. That advice represents the extent of our career counseling abilities.

Bunco tonight, and I lost. It's a stupid game anyway. And I spent 140 dollars (as in, way more than the 80 dollars I thought I was going to spend) having someone come to my house and explain the gas fireplaces to me. I think Larry's going to start taking the checkbook to work with him.

I called my father this morning and apologized profusely for forgetting to call him yesterday, on my parents' 51st anniversary. He was very upset with me - you know why? Because he forgot, too, and he was counting on me to remind him.

I avoided walking all last week, but now my neighbor is banging on my door again at 6:30 in the morning. Which is ridiculous, considering it is dark outside at that hour. I'm thinking of getting a restraining order. But until then, it's somewhat-early to bed and way-too-early to rise for this blogging mama - g'night all!

Brady Envy

We had a teachable moment here yesterday morning - I got to instruct my daughter on proper dress (as in, if your entire butt crack shows when you bend over, you need to change your jeans before you go out) and she got to instruct me in just how much she doesn't care about our dress code. I don't remember ever seeing this sort of thing on the Brady Bunch. Which, I'm belatedly realizing, has been my guide to parenting all these years. No wonder I can never get all the housework done - I've been sitting around waiting for Alice to show up.

After Anna changed (loudly), she and Theo went out kayaking, which provided me with a much-needed respite from the teenage death glare (also never seen on the Brady Bunch); I spent my morning productively cleaning up after all of Susie's toilet-training accidents. Oh, and I made David cry by suggesting we work on his book report. Cross that one off my to-do list.....

I lost my head later when I picked up the teenagers from the bus and foolishly asked Anna if she had had fun at the boathouse. I received another death glare for my troubles. A couple of hours later, I woke her up from a nap to take Susie to the swings so that I could escape to the bookstore with David (they were having an educators' reception there). Death glare #3 - I never learn, now do I? But I left anyway. The reception was great - David ate handfuls of M&M's and I feasted on the Brownie Bites. I entered a few drawings, because I love freebies. Anyway, the festivities were interrupted by Anna's calling me to tell me that Susie had once again peed on the floor. Ah! Another teachable moment! I described to Anna the absorptive qualities of dishtowels and recommended that she see for herself how well they would wipe up the puddle (that would be the lab portion of the class). She hung up on me (she had no other option, as the Death Glare cannot be administered over a phone line). She's not going to get a very good grade for comportment this semester, I can tell you.

The stomach-virus fairy is still conducting mop-up operations around here (no pun intended); David "felt funny" last night (we weren't sure what that meant, but we supplied him with a dishpan and got him off the top bunk, just in case) and Anna woke up complaining this morning. I mean, more than usual. So she's downstairs watching Fiddler on the Roof, a nice wholesome movie that may have a pogrom or two, but at least Tevye isn't snorting cocaine out in the barn and none of the daughters' butt cracks are showing. And all the swear words are in Yiddish. I'm sure Carol Brady would approve.