Sunday, April 05, 2009

Paper Chase

There comes a time for all of us when we realize that we have reached a personal point of no return. For me, that time was today.

Setting: the paper goods aisle in the commissary
Characters: one middle-aged housewife, formerly known as fetching and flirtatious, and one nicely built middle-aged guy with a great haircut

The scene opens with the housewife kneeling in her hip jeans (not mom jeans!) and trendy clogs and lace-trimmed T-shirt by the toilet paper display, brow furrowed, trying to figure out the best buy. Irresistible!

Guy: Hey, this brand here (gesticulating at package in his hand) is only 5 dollars for 12!

HW: Yes, but what's the square footage?

Guy: Huh?

HW: (grabbing package) See? Right here? Only 320 sheets per roll! I bought the cheaper kind once, and I was changing the toilet paper roll twice a day!

Guy: Oh, wow - I never thought of that. (Switches brands) (Walks out of HW's life forever)


I think Larry can rest assured that I will never be swept off my feet by some good-looking would-be home wrecker - I'll be too busy showing off my math skills and divulging my personal potty habits to ever attract any unwonted attention.




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15 comments:

  1. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

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  2. We just finished of a package of the 'single' roll, not double or triple roll and I told my husband if he ever buys that cheap single roll stuff again I would make him return it. I think my kids used a roll per seating.

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  3. Thats hilarious, totally something I would do. If someone would actually flirt with me I think I would run away crying! hehe

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  4. Hmmm...I remember that day. Mine happened on the baking aisle. A guy asked me about flour, I pointed him in the right direction. Then I noticed a coupon on the bag behind the one he picked up, so I pointed it out (ya know, the free money thing) and I will never forget the look on his face when he said,"but this is the right stuff...right?"

    *sigh*

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  5. I look at the squares per roll, too. Very sexy.

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  6. You do have to be so careful buying that toilet paper. I hate when I buy the wrong kind.

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  7. Kinda ranks right up there with the bag boy calling you "ma'am".

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  8. We can only hope that Larry finds your math skills to be Hawt. He does, right??

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  9. The potty is certainly the way to the man's heart.

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  10. i can't stop laughing! sorry for you but happy for Larry ;-)

    and one of those posts where i am making mental notes about the things i should not do 15 years or so down the road.

    franzi

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  11. Why has no attractive guy in the grocery store ever pointed that out to me?

    Heck I''ll take an attractive gal. I just need a lot of toilet paper!

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  12. I have neither trendy clogs nor math skills. I'm hosed.

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  13. I don't know about you, but I don't want a guy who can't appreciate the hotness of a woman who knows her toilet paper.

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  14. Anything involving an good looking guy and toilet paper can never turn out well

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