Sunday, April 05, 2009

Paper Chase

There comes a time for all of us when we realize that we have reached a personal point of no return. For me, that time was today.

Setting: the paper goods aisle in the commissary
Characters: one middle-aged housewife, formerly known as fetching and flirtatious, and one nicely built middle-aged guy with a great haircut

The scene opens with the housewife kneeling in her hip jeans (not mom jeans!) and trendy clogs and lace-trimmed T-shirt by the toilet paper display, brow furrowed, trying to figure out the best buy. Irresistible!

Guy: Hey, this brand here (gesticulating at package in his hand) is only 5 dollars for 12!

HW: Yes, but what's the square footage?

Guy: Huh?

HW: (grabbing package) See? Right here? Only 320 sheets per roll! I bought the cheaper kind once, and I was changing the toilet paper roll twice a day!

Guy: Oh, wow - I never thought of that. (Switches brands) (Walks out of HW's life forever)

I think Larry can rest assured that I will never be swept off my feet by some good-looking would-be home wrecker - I'll be too busy showing off my math skills and divulging my personal potty habits to ever attract any unwonted attention.


  1. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

  2. We just finished of a package of the 'single' roll, not double or triple roll and I told my husband if he ever buys that cheap single roll stuff again I would make him return it. I think my kids used a roll per seating.

  3. Thats hilarious, totally something I would do. If someone would actually flirt with me I think I would run away crying! hehe

  4. Hmmm...I remember that day. Mine happened on the baking aisle. A guy asked me about flour, I pointed him in the right direction. Then I noticed a coupon on the bag behind the one he picked up, so I pointed it out (ya know, the free money thing) and I will never forget the look on his face when he said,"but this is the right stuff...right?"


  5. I look at the squares per roll, too. Very sexy.

  6. You do have to be so careful buying that toilet paper. I hate when I buy the wrong kind.

  7. Kinda ranks right up there with the bag boy calling you "ma'am".

  8. We can only hope that Larry finds your math skills to be Hawt. He does, right??

  9. The potty is certainly the way to the man's heart.

  10. i can't stop laughing! sorry for you but happy for Larry ;-)

    and one of those posts where i am making mental notes about the things i should not do 15 years or so down the road.


  11. Why has no attractive guy in the grocery store ever pointed that out to me?

    Heck I''ll take an attractive gal. I just need a lot of toilet paper!

  12. I have neither trendy clogs nor math skills. I'm hosed.

  13. I don't know about you, but I don't want a guy who can't appreciate the hotness of a woman who knows her toilet paper.

  14. Anything involving an good looking guy and toilet paper can never turn out well



Blog Widget by LinkWithin