Friday, December 30, 2011

Love And Marriage

Okay, someone landed here by searching on the term 

 marriage "resigned to my fate"



I would just like to say that I am sorry your Google-esque cry for help was answered with a blog post comparing a dishwasher to a dead Osama bin Laden.  I'm sure that didn't provide any answers.  If you need inspiration on achieving conjugal bliss, though, you can read about how Larry and I manage to choose paint colors, share toothpaste tubes, and divvy up household tools.
 
Your marriage looks pretty good by comparison, no?






[marriage picture: Facebook]

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My Favorite Tweets of 2011

[The idea for this post was stolen from Where Hot Comes To Die.  I am telling you this so that Suzy doesn't hunt me down and kill me.  She's not the type to fall for that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" nonsense.]


@Borowitz Report
If you're happy and you know it you're not Jewish.

@motherwise
Note to self. Don't put sunblock lotion near toothpaste.

@JohnFugelsang
I have one joke about the Jim Jones Guyana tragedy but it's got a very long punch line.

@HotComesToDie
Jack LaLanne dead at 96. Obviously he wasn't in as good a shape as he led us to believe.

@TheOnion
Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

@MinutesofMayhem
Yet more Jobs lost under Obama's watch

@badbanana
Parenting is like manning a control panel with unmarked buttons. You just hope you don't accidentally initiate the bell tower sequence.

@JohnFugelsang
Complaining about lack of privacy on Facebook is like complaining about nudity at an orgy.



[Twitter image: ConverStations]

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Praise The Lord And Pass The Chocolate Santas

A couple of weeks ago, Susie said, "Santa doesn't bring enough candy."

"You think he should bring more candy?" I asked.

"Yup.  Fun candy.  Christmas candy!"

People, her request struck me as the Christmas equivalent of a Get Out of Jail Free card.   Just think - an end to hunting for small wooden toys that look to be of elfin manufacture! No more agonizing over buying cheap playthings that will end up in a landfill!

So, instead of searching for thoughtful and age-appropriate presents this year, I went for the edibles.  In a very big way.  I filled the kids' stockings with sure-to-be-consumed Christmas-themed confections - marshmallow Santas, Krisp Kringles, Christmas Peeps - you name it, I stuffed it in there.  Under the tree were 5 wrapped packages of Harry and David Moose Munch (wickedly cheap with my 30%-off coupon at Kohl's), Hot Tamales, and whatever else I could find in my candy-shopping frenzy. 

Oh, and some cheap plastic sleds from Target...which gift has completely jinxed any possibility of snowfall in this region in the coming months.

A side benefit to this surfeit of sweetmeats?  The kids were all too full for lunch.  Now I call that a merry Christmas indeed.


[Moose Munch image: Welcome to Mooseville]

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Does She...Or Doesn't She?

Larry and I went to an honest-to-goodness cocktail party on Saturday.  Oh, yes, we did.  Many of my friends and acquaintances were there, and I sat down next to Cheryl, the lovely lady who teaches my David (along with other homeschooled teens) the basics of high school biology and chemistry.  Needless to say, I adore her.  She greeted me with "Oh, I love your hair! Did you just get it done?"

"Yes! Thanks, I like it, too!" [Oh, wasn't I smart to schedule that hair appointment in time for the party?]

She continued gazing at me.  "That color looks really good."

[Oh, dear, does she think I had it colored, or is she just complimenting my natural shade?  Let's move past this.  Quickly.]  "Thanks!"

Let me note here that I have never known Cheryl to simply blurt out the first thought that comes into her mind.  Ever.  Her naturally reserved demeanor makes me feel as though I am a chattering magpie.  And yet here she was now, continuing to stare at my hair while saying, "Have you had it colored before?"

[What now?  I could lie and let her save face.  But the truth will out.]  "Actually, it's not colored - it's just my normal shade. The encroaching gray looks like highlights!" I ended with a disarmingly lighthearted laugh meant to communicate amusement and a complete absence of umbrage.  [There! That should do it.]

But no.  Still eyeing my hair, she took a page out of my own foot-in-mouth playbook by asking, "Are you sure?"

Um, yes.  Yes, I'm sure.  I'm way too cheap to pay for color treatments.  But I didn't say that.  I just stuffed my mouth full of canapés and nodded amiably.  Because, you know, it's not every day I get to go to a cocktail party.

[Clairol Ad image: I Am Grateful]

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

God Rest Ye, Merry Knitters...

Tonight I scored a sock monkey tree ornament, a snowman cookie plate, and 2 skeins of Happy Feet sock yarn from the Plymouth Sock Company, all from the Yankee Swap gift exchange at my knitting group's annual Christmas party.  Beats my usual evening of editing documents until my eyes fall out, you know?

This is awesome yarn.  Just look at those colors!
And by this time tomorrow, my felted Lopi tote nightmare might just be over.  A Lopi tote Christmas seemed like such a fun idea back in October, didn't it?  That's because in October, December seems VERY FAR AWAY.  But it isn't.  It lies in wait just behind Halloween, laughing at my ambitious knitterly plans.

I swear, I can't even remember November.  Did it happen this year?