Playing With Scissors

Well, Rachel seems to have put her toilet-stuffing phase behind her. Maybe we can just forget all those unhappy episodes, at least after Larry patches up the holes in the livingroom ceiling. The house is still habitable, after all; fortunately, my teenagers know where to find the shut-off valve for the upstairs toilet. I'm just glad we didn't have to call the plumber. It would have been hard to explain to him exactly why there were 3 large towels shoved into the toilet. As a matter of fact, we're having a hard time understanding it ourselves.

Unfortunately, Rachel has instead become obsessed with scissors. And, yes, we've hidden all of them, and, yes, I am watching her constantly. It's getting to the point where Larry dreads coming home from work, as he doesn't want to hear the latest Rachel exploit when what he really needs is a beer and some peace and quiet. I'm living some bad I Love Lucy episode - just picture Larry as Desi Arnaz, waving his alarm clock with the cord snipped in two and saying, "Looocy, you have some 'splainin' to do!" And I'm standing there, wringing my hands, and insisting, "I didn't take my eyes off her for a minute, Ricky!" Lately she's been laying off the electrical stuff in favor of what appears to be her true calling - amateur taxidermist. We've had to stow all the stuffed animals for safekeeping until Rachel stops decapitating them and mounting their heads on the wall as trophies. True, this seems to be a rather sophisticated prank for a 4-year-old; but our by now well-honed interrogation methods have exonerated both Brian and Theo. As for David, he was absolutely prostrate with grief over Froggy and Teddy Bear. He spent all of one evening sewing Teddy's head back on.

The scary part is, Rachel just will not stop. Every day, somewhere in the house, Larry or I will stumble upon mute witness to her obsession - nothing big, just a headless bear, say, with its arms sticking out as if to plead, "Help me!" And the head itself will be nowhere in sight. Because she hides them. Yes, that's right - she collects heads, so she can mount them later. Now, I've thumbed through many a child development book in my day; and I just don't recall seeing this sort of thing mentioned in "Your Child at Four" or "The Magic Years" or the like. She hasn't, of course, victimized her own animal, a very attractive white stuffed rabbit. So Larry, obviously feeling desperate, told her a few days ago that he would take Bunny away if he found another headless body. That's right, folks - "Stop it, or the rabbit gets it!" It probably would have been smarter for him to take Bunny hostage then and there; because the next day, there was another headless bear, and Bunny was nowhere to be found. Because Rachel hid it. Remember all the Bugs Bunny episodes where Elmer Fudd throws down his gun and jumps up and down with steam coming out of his ears as he says, "oooh, that wascally wabbit!"? That's what Larry looked like when he realized he'd been outsmarted by a 4-year-old. I must admit, I haven't laughed so hard in years.

We need to physically restrain Rachel, that's all. I would google "shackles (size small)," but I'm betting that the results would be as shocking as they were when I googled "slave costume" for Anna. Better yet, we could ship Rachel off to preschool; but I think the shackles would be cheaper than even one month's tuition. And I can only find half-day programs anyway.

Other children? Oh, yes, them....well, Anna still hates us. We're the worst parents ever. Compliment accepted. And let me point out that her father spent his weekend off painting her room the color she wants it. We should have painted it black. David has turned into a very helpful, competent young man; that is, when he isn't mourning yet another decapitated friend. Brian is 6 1/2 now, which can be an annoying age for little boys; but as anything he does pales in comparison with the deeds of his demonically-possessed 4-year-old sister, we still regard him as a positive addition to our family. Susie is enchanting, toddling around with her fat little legs and cute baby shoes. Of course, Rachel used to be enchanting, also. Theo used to be my right-hand man around here, but now he spends all his time taking pictures of Rachel's latest exploit or else trying to understand his Algebra text. Both our gardens are suffering monstrous neglect.

Well, it's time to get ready to celebrate Larry's birthday. He's 39 today; but, for some reason or other, he's been looking a lot older lately.

Bad Craziness

I've lost track of the time, I've been so busy unstuffing toilets and pulling scissors out of Rachel's hands. What a little monster - she sneaked into Anna's room and tore the covers off 3 of her textbooks and hid the innards in Theo's bureau drawer. In case you're wondering why she did that, please think - could there possibly be any reasonable answer to that question? Of course not. And yes, she's been getting plenty of positive attention (in between punishments for her various misdemeanors) and yes, she still loves Susie. So you can all quit your amateur psychoanalyzing and accept the basic chaotic nature of the universe, all right? Sheesh.

Well, the basic chaotic nature of my universe, anyway.

In between all the craziness, I'm expected to start dreaming up Halloween costumes for everyone. The boys have informed me that they don't want to be pirates for the 4th year in a row. So we're going to make scarecrow costumes for them. That will be a piece of cake compared to what Anna wants - she and her best friend want to dress as Turkish harem girls (G-rated version, of course). We were looking for costume patterns and ideas on the web together (this was back when Anna was still talking to me, by the way). A word to the wise - never google "slave costume" while your teenage daughter is sitting at the computer with you.

It doesn't matter now, anyway - Anna has gone back to hating all of us all the time, so she's on her own for Halloween. Basically, we don't let her do what she wants whenever she wants - aren't we mean? I comfort myself with the thought that I have 2 other daughters who may grow up to love me (well, if Rachel isn't sent away to reform school). The oldest girl is just a prototype anyway - the beta model, if you will.

Our next-door neighbors are still trying to sell their house. They seem desperate to get away from us - they've already dropped the price 100,000 dollars. I blame the killer apple tree; Larry seems to think it has something to do with the junk heap of assorted plastic riding toys which populate our front patio. Or the childish screams emanating from the open front door all hours of the day and night. Or maybe Theo's mess of an experimental container garden littering the back deck. All of the above, perhaps? I guess when our neighbors paid almost half-a-million dollars for their place 2 years ago, they didn't expect to be living next-door to the Trailer Park Family from Hell. Real estate is full of surprises, isn't it?

Well, here's to October! I for one am looking forward to some real fall weather finally and the traditional autumn activities that go with it: drinking fresh apple cider, carving ridiculously elaborate jack-o-lanterns (we're going high-tech this year - we've got a CD-Rom of pumpkin patterns), and eating the kids' Halloween candy while they sleep. Especially Rachel's.

Well, I just can't seem to stop, can I? I'm going to make a serious effort not to mention toilets even once in this missive. I need the challenge.

We're hoping that Rachel has turned over a new leaf, but we're not counting on it. She was confined to her room at various times this past week and made to repeat ad nauseam the 3 rules: obey Mommy and Daddy, always tell the truth, and don't put things in the potty (darn, I blew it already); this approach only yielded mixed success, unfortunately. Part of the problem is that she may not have perceived it as the punishment it was meant to be. Seems I forgot that I had hidden the Halloween candy in her bedroom closet. That kid was having a party up there.

Anna is still in school, but the road seems a bit rockier. She tried out for the school play (Stuart Little) and wasn't accepted. I explained to her it was a compliment that she wasn't picked to be a mouse, or a bird, or a cat. She didn't fall for that. I didn't make her day any better by announcing that she couldn't go ice skating that evening with all her new school friends because she was being rude to me and Larry all week and we just weren't going to take it anymore. She worked on homework all weekend and seems a tad burned-out; but I keep reminding her that going to school is worth it. To me, that is. I love watching her realize that I'm not quite the evil taskmistress she had made me out to be. Let her get mad at someone else for a change. I'm enjoying my vacation.

The little boys are happier, too. Now they can sit around all day and pick their noses without Anna yelling at them. I've given up on the whole thing; just so long as they don't rub it on the furniture, that's all I ask.

I can't believe I just typed that. I'm in bad shape.

Larry took me out on a date tonight. He wanted to check out some Peruvian chicken place a colleague had recommended. Whatever - I don't care, as long as I'm not cooking it. So we pull up and it looks to be some South American version of KFC. Larry insisted on going in and was wanting to try it out anyway, but I put my foot down. Some advice to guys - if you're trying to do something special for your wife, a restaurant with paper crowns for the kids does not cut it. I would think most grown men would know that, but apparently not.

Larry may just have been befuddled because of his financial difficulties. Apparently, our phone company got confused and sent our fully-paid-up account to some debt-collecting agency in Minnesota. Larry got to talk to a very interesting gentleman there who had seems to have spent his formative years working for a loan shark. And I thought everyone in Minnesota was nice. I'm going to tell Garrison Keillor on him. Larry did manage to straighten everything out with Verizon; but the 10 hours he spent doing it must have taken its toll on his brain function (see above paragraph).

I lost my head at the Farmer's Market on Saturday and bought 2 bushels of apples. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So we've been making apple crisp and applesauce all weekend and trying to figure out what to do with all the peels and cores. Anyone out there have some livestock they need to feed?

There are some weeks that defy description, that simultaneously beg to be written about and overwhelm the would-be writer with too much material. And,yes, this was one of those weeks. Where to start? Anna's first day of "real" school? Her best friend's advanced case of head lice? The eggshells in the basement bathroom toilet? I just don't know....

Anna fairly leapt onto the school bus for her first day of 8th grade, made several dozen friends, learned how to sit around and wait, and missed the bus on the way home. I graciously picked her up and, instead of inquiring as to how her day went, bluntly informed her that we were going home to "treat" her hair and hopefully not have to shave it off. I don't mess around. I hate insects. Hopefully, if she had caught it, we nipped it in the bud. All I can say is I really didn't need the 10 extra loads of laundry to do this week.

And speaking of bugs....how about those ants? Any time I wasn't smearing louse-smothering lotion on children's heads or washing bed linens, I was vacuuming up ants in the kitchen and laying down bait and spraying the outside of our house. That is, when I wasn't cleaning up raw egg from the basement bathroom floor. Seems that Rachel took our saying, "Do not ever enter this bathroom again" to mean the opposite. She took downstairs a dozen eggs to stir around in the sink (and some margarine to spread on her play toast). She decided to use the toilet as a trash can (mind you, she had to break the lidlock on the toilet to do this). Of course, she wholeheartedly denied everything (actually, she suggested that Susie did it). And...well, never mind. I don't even want to talk about it. We comfort ourselves with the fact that at least she isn't setting small animals on fire. Talk about grasping at straws....

Well, I can't let a week go by without bothering you folks. Actually, it's been pretty eventful around here. Larry and I came to the startling realization that if we sent Anna to school this year, she wouldn't be able to glare at all of us all day. She has expressed interest; so we figured she may as well see what it's like in 8th grade, so she can make an informed decision for high school. We checked out the school website for information on how to register her; unfortunately, it was full of indecipherable jargon along the lines of "actualizing your child's educational experience" and "areas of interaction," which is not helpful when you are simply trying to figure out who to talk to in an office full of bureaucrats. These people make Soviet apparatchniks look customer-driven. Actually, I'm not sure they are real people. What are those things called, avatars? I think the avatars just sit in for the real people - the real staff is at Starbucks, drinking lattes and inventing more educational-ese. Anyway, we managed to sign her up once, twice, and finally, after the third time, they got everything right. Anna is unspeakably thrilled about going to school and being in the company of other girls 7 hours a day. Of course, we haven't really told her everything. When I commented that she would be stuck on the school bus for half an hour every afternoon (we're actually only a 7-minute drive from the school), she said, "That's okay - I'll just get some of my homework done then." Some things are better to learn about on your own, aren't they? The pinnacle of our week would have been attending the new students orientation, but we arrived late and missed the school cheer. We picked up her schedule there (which we had to fix yet again) and bought a gym uniform (shorts and t-shirt - hey, they don't make the girls wear those goofy outfits anymore). Larry reprimanded me for making fun of the Civics teacher on the way home from the orientation. Is it my fault her name rhymes with "lobotomy"? And remember how when we were kids, it seemed the teachers dressed weird? They still do. Really. Apparently, we still aren't paying them enough to enable them to afford a full-length mirror at home.

Anyway, this should be an interesting year. Theo has redoubled his schoolwork efforts, to prevent our putting him in school too. Susie is walking everywhere now and enjoying it immensely. No one has put anything in the toilet for a whole week (I mean, except what belongs there). Larry took Brian and David on a 1-night camping trip and they had a blast.

You know, I love that word "avatar." Very useful.