No, not me, silly - Suzy. Suzy Soro. She played the woman who got the last chocolate babka in Season 4 of Seinfeld , and now she's written a book where she indulges to the max in her 2 favorite pastimes - telling funny stories and name dropping.
Did I mention that I actually am acquainted with Suzy Soro? In the Internet sense, anyway. I mean, I email her and EVERYTHING. Also, I bought her book. So, we're practically related.
Anywhoo, she has a lot more names to drop than I do. Apparently, she has made it her life mission to embarrass herself in front of as many celebrities as possible. In the end, she comes across as a sort of Hollywood Zelig.
Does anyone remember Zelig? I'd like to point out, Suzy, that the one celebrity you never mentioned was Woody Allen. And he's the one I've met (or at least stalked). So, between us, we've seen everyone.
It was this way. I had taken my college roommate Carol into NYC for the day, on our way back up to school. She hailed from Houston, you see, and I was determined to show her a REAL city. Plus, we wanted to see a Broadway play. Amadeus, I think it was.
|The only celebrities I've almost stalked|
So! We were walking along the streets of the Greatest City in the World when suddenly Carol, a tall, blonde young woman with way more sophistication than Miss Short and Dark NJ here will ever have, grabbed my arm and started jumping up and down like a maniac. "Look! Woody Allen! It's Woody Allen and Mia Farrow! They just passed us!" she yelled in a voice I could only assume she used for telling all her Texas dogies to git a long. People were staring at us. I glanced in the direction she was pointing and saw 2 short-ish people hustling along, heads down, arm-in-arm. Carol, still jumping up and down, was insisting on following them.
"Carol," I said, "We're not going to chase
people. Besides, I don't think that's even them."
At that moment, in a textbook case of Life imitating Art (Art, in this case, meaning "Annie Hall"), a guy standing in a doorway started pointing and shouting, "It's Woody Allen! Look, folks, that's Woody Allen!" in the thickest New York accent imaginable.
At which point both Woody and Mia jogged around a corner and out of my life.
So, see, I could have practically written this book myself, Suzy. You just thought of it first. And you're funnier. And I really don't know where I'm going with this book review.
Only, the book made me realize that Suzy and I have a whole heck of a lot in common, so far as our backgrounds go. I mean, we're practically twins. For instance, Suzy used to stay up with her mother and watch The Tonight Show featuring Johnny Carson. Well, my
mother used to let me stay up to watch it, too! Does anyone remember when Johnny came out dressed up as the Sun, stood there a minute (timing is everything, folks), and then said, "Is it hot in here, or is it me?"
It still makes me laugh.
Also? According to Suzy, she spent the majority of her youth watching I Love Lucy
. Well, same here. I think it's time to have an I Love Lucy
Slam, Suzy. Hey! What was the chicken doing in the camera case? Do you remember? I do
See what I mean? Twins
. I mean, except for the part where she is a professional stand-up comedian and I'm nothing professional whatsoever. Also, I have 6 kids, and she is not particularly enamored of children. And I'm happily married, and she is happily not. Also, she looks to be way taller than I am.
So! Now that I've finished this book, I'm giving it away to one lucky reader who comments below. I mean, lucky if you are the type of reader who would appreciate the experience of sitting with Suzy in a coffee shop while she regales you with one crazy true story after another. But if you don't enjoy
a rollicking good yarn, don't even bother to comment. Go back to reading The Economist
or whatever other boring reading material you normally subject yourself to. I mean, you wouldn't want to have to laugh or anything, now would you?
[Woody Allen/Mia Farrow image: Business Insider]
[I Love Lucy image: TVLand]