Friday, December 30, 2011

Love And Marriage

Okay, someone landed here by searching on the term 

 marriage "resigned to my fate"

I would just like to say that I am sorry your Google-esque cry for help was answered with a blog post comparing a dishwasher to a dead Osama bin Laden.  I'm sure that didn't provide any answers.  If you need inspiration on achieving conjugal bliss, though, you can read about how Larry and I manage to choose paint colors, share toothpaste tubes, and divvy up household tools.
Your marriage looks pretty good by comparison, no?

[marriage picture: Facebook]

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My Favorite Tweets of 2011

[The idea for this post was stolen from Where Hot Comes To Die.  I am telling you this so that Suzy doesn't hunt me down and kill me.  She's not the type to fall for that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" nonsense.]

@Borowitz Report
If you're happy and you know it you're not Jewish.

Note to self. Don't put sunblock lotion near toothpaste.

I have one joke about the Jim Jones Guyana tragedy but it's got a very long punch line.

Jack LaLanne dead at 96. Obviously he wasn't in as good a shape as he led us to believe.

Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

Yet more Jobs lost under Obama's watch

Parenting is like manning a control panel with unmarked buttons. You just hope you don't accidentally initiate the bell tower sequence.

Complaining about lack of privacy on Facebook is like complaining about nudity at an orgy.

[Twitter image: ConverStations]

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Praise The Lord And Pass The Chocolate Santas

A couple of weeks ago, Susie said, "Santa doesn't bring enough candy."

"You think he should bring more candy?" I asked.

"Yup.  Fun candy.  Christmas candy!"

People, her request struck me as the Christmas equivalent of a Get Out of Jail Free card.   Just think - an end to hunting for small wooden toys that look to be of elfin manufacture! No more agonizing over buying cheap playthings that will end up in a landfill!

So, instead of searching for thoughtful and age-appropriate presents this year, I went for the edibles.  In a very big way.  I filled the kids' stockings with sure-to-be-consumed Christmas-themed confections - marshmallow Santas, Krisp Kringles, Christmas Peeps - you name it, I stuffed it in there.  Under the tree were 5 wrapped packages of Harry and David Moose Munch (wickedly cheap with my 30%-off coupon at Kohl's), Hot Tamales, and whatever else I could find in my candy-shopping frenzy. 

Oh, and some cheap plastic sleds from Target...which gift has completely jinxed any possibility of snowfall in this region in the coming months.

A side benefit to this surfeit of sweetmeats?  The kids were all too full for lunch.  Now I call that a merry Christmas indeed.

[Moose Munch image: Welcome to Mooseville]

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Does She...Or Doesn't She?

Larry and I went to an honest-to-goodness cocktail party on Saturday.  Oh, yes, we did.  Many of my friends and acquaintances were there, and I sat down next to Cheryl, the lovely lady who teaches my David (along with other homeschooled teens) the basics of high school biology and chemistry.  Needless to say, I adore her.  She greeted me with "Oh, I love your hair! Did you just get it done?"

"Yes! Thanks, I like it, too!" [Oh, wasn't I smart to schedule that hair appointment in time for the party?]

She continued gazing at me.  "That color looks really good."

[Oh, dear, does she think I had it colored, or is she just complimenting my natural shade?  Let's move past this.  Quickly.]  "Thanks!"

Let me note here that I have never known Cheryl to simply blurt out the first thought that comes into her mind.  Ever.  Her naturally reserved demeanor makes me feel as though I am a chattering magpie.  And yet here she was now, continuing to stare at my hair while saying, "Have you had it colored before?"

[What now?  I could lie and let her save face.  But the truth will out.]  "Actually, it's not colored - it's just my normal shade. The encroaching gray looks like highlights!" I ended with a disarmingly lighthearted laugh meant to communicate amusement and a complete absence of umbrage.  [There! That should do it.]

But no.  Still eyeing my hair, she took a page out of my own foot-in-mouth playbook by asking, "Are you sure?"

Um, yes.  Yes, I'm sure.  I'm way too cheap to pay for color treatments.  But I didn't say that.  I just stuffed my mouth full of canapés and nodded amiably.  Because, you know, it's not every day I get to go to a cocktail party.

[Clairol Ad image: I Am Grateful]

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

God Rest Ye, Merry Knitters...

Tonight I scored a sock monkey tree ornament, a snowman cookie plate, and 2 skeins of Happy Feet sock yarn from the Plymouth Sock Company, all from the Yankee Swap gift exchange at my knitting group's annual Christmas party.  Beats my usual evening of editing documents until my eyes fall out, you know?

This is awesome yarn.  Just look at those colors!
And by this time tomorrow, my felted Lopi tote nightmare might just be over.  A Lopi tote Christmas seemed like such a fun idea back in October, didn't it?  That's because in October, December seems VERY FAR AWAY.  But it isn't.  It lies in wait just behind Halloween, laughing at my ambitious knitterly plans.

I swear, I can't even remember November.  Did it happen this year?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Self Awareness

I've realized a few things about myself lately:

I am the only blogger alive who does not care whether or not she learns to take better photos.  No matter how you focus it, a finger up the nose is a finger up the nose.

I am never going to be able to eat whatever I want and stay thin.  It only took me 35 years to figure that one out.

This is me, only I don't have a cat.  Yet.
Without a baby to take care of, I'm nothing but a disorganized slob without a purpose in life.  What's more, I'm okay with that.

If the above thought starts bothering me, I knit until it goes away.

I really don't like to cook anymore.  I used to.  I even baked my own rye bread, for heaven's sake.  I dabbled in yogurt-making, too.  That's all behind me now.  The time I used to spend cooking, I now spend finding coupons for 5-dollar pizzas and buy one/get one free entrees.  Also?  Kids Eat Free deals...those rock.

I know I sound jaded, but I'm not.  I still get excited about rain puddles, snowstorms, and long walks in the park.

Boy, if I were ever to use an online dating site, I guess that last sentence would be a start.  No pina coladas, though.

Larry's not going to like the online-dating joke.  But he's probably still mad about the shirt.  I could write an online-dating blurb for him, too:  

Seeking SWWLP (Single Woman Who Likes Plaid).  Catching your own damn stinkbugs a plus!

I never really understood this song.  Shouldn't they have been mad at each other for secretly posting personal ads?

[Knitter image: The Unappreciated Knitter]

Friday, December 09, 2011

7 Quick Takes: The Anti-Plaid Edition

--- 1 ---

Working on the fifth Lopi tote, folks - I'm getting there.  I think I'll get everything done, so long as I knit constantly between now and December 18th.

--- 2 ---

Theo is home.  I keep forgetting he is here and I get startled each time he walks into a room.

--- 3 ---

Does that only happen to me?

--- 4 ---

Larry, David, and Brian are all going on the Winter Survival camp out for Boy Scouts this weekend.  Sounds  Really.  Guess I'll just have to hold down the (comfortably warm) fort here at home.  I'm okay with that.

--- 5 ---

Oh, yes, Larry and I had a little disagreement this week.  Something to do with a shirt that had gone missing...

Larry: Hey, have you seen my shirt?

Me: Shirt?  What shirt?

Larry: The one hanging on the back of the bathroom door - I was going to wear it to church.

Me:  Oh, the one that didn't match the khaki pants you're wearing?  The ugly plaid one with the blue background and yellow stripes?

Larry: Yeah, the new plaid one from LLBean.  I like it.  Where is it?

Me:  I don't know.

He's cute when he looks confused like that.
--- 6 ---

I'll look like this, only without those lips
I swear, I don't interfere with Larry's wardrobe much.  But I can't look at him in Scotch plaid flannel.  I just can't.  Scotch plaid looks okay on a burly type of guy.  On skinny guys, though?  Plaid looks dorky, no matter how attractive the skinny guy is.  Plus, his dad (a very nice man, may he rest in peace) wore plaid.  With suspenders.  If  Larry insists on wearing that shirt, I'm going to dye my hair orange-ish red, just like my mom and all her friends did in their late 60's and 70's.

"What's with the orange hair?" Larry would ask me.  "Is it an old Jewish lady thing?" 

I don't know, Larry.  But what's with the damn plaid?  Is it an old New England guy sort of thing?  IS IT?

--- 7 ---

Jennifer is way too busy to confiscate her husband's plaid shirt.  For more Quick Takes, visit her at Conversion Diary!

[Woman knitting image: AVBBF
[Orange hair image: Your-Hairstyle]

Monday, December 05, 2011

Letter to NPR

Dear NPR,

Thank you so much for your informative piece on a scientific study of temper tantrums. It fascinated me to learn (after 20 years of parenting) that children have tantrums because they are angry and unhappy.  What's more, your piece informed me that you can't reason with a child having a tantrum.  Imagine that!  You could have knocked me over with a feather on that one.  I am glad to see that our research dollars are being well-spent on studies such as these rather than wasted on searching for silly cures for cancer.

I am hoping you will air more studies of equal value to your listeners.  Might I suggest a few titles for future scientific research segments?

Teenage Years:  Not the Age of Reason

Money, in Fact, Does NOT Grow on Trees

Women Prefer To Hear That They Do Not Look Fat

Thank you again for your commitment to bringing cutting-edge science to the masses.


Faithful Listener

Thursday, December 01, 2011

7 Quick Takes: Christmas Crafting Edition

--- 1 ---

I've still got mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving in my refrigerator.  I just wanted to put that out there.  You're welcome.

--- 2 ---

I'm knitting my fourth Lopi tote.  No pictures, because I haven't felted any of them yet.  I figured I would save time by doing them all at once.  It may have been wiser to felt the first one right away, to make sure I liked the way they come out.  But I cannot even consider the possibility that they might all look horrible.  I have no other Christmas gifts planned, aside from some cookies or fudge. 

Christmas Crafting without a net - that's what I"m doing...
--- 3 ---

Larry went away on yet another management retreat.  He says they are "team building."  Is that what Herman Cain said to his wife?

--- 4 ---

Poor Larry - the last thing he would do is philander, if only for the practical reason that he doesn't have the time.  Whenever he hears of an acquaintance or work colleague having an affair, he shakes his head and mutters something about logistics.  We do keep him busy around here.

--- 5 ---

Fare thee well, oh cheesy goodness!
Theo is coming home Tuesday night (oh, glory, hallelujah!); as per usual, David has been frantically cooking anything he can think of that involves cheese before we have to clean the dairy items out of the refrigerator.  Pizza last night (and leftovers at lunch today), lasagna tonight...I'm feeling a tad ill.  David, being our sole vegetarian, feels the loss of dairy in our diet much more keenly than the rest of us do.  I expect to see him standing by the side of the road in another few weeks holding a sign saying "Will Work For Cheese."

--- 6 ---

But I'll be happy, so long as I can convince Theo to prepare us his Chinese stir-fry and his Christmas lemon bars.  It's the least he can do for his doting (and tired) mother, right?  Think he'd like a Lopi tote for Christmas?

--- 7 ---

If you'd rather read some Quick Takes that don't involve handmade gifts, visit Jennifer at  Conversion Diary!

[Mug image: Zazzle]
[Lasagna image: thepassionatecook]