Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Playing With Scissors

Well, Rachel seems to have put her toilet-stuffing phase behind her. Maybe we can just forget all those unhappy episodes, at least after Larry patches up the holes in the livingroom ceiling. The house is still habitable, after all; fortunately, my teenagers know where to find the shut-off valve for the upstairs toilet. I'm just glad we didn't have to call the plumber. It would have been hard to explain to him exactly why there were 3 large towels shoved into the toilet. As a matter of fact, we're having a hard time understanding it ourselves.

Unfortunately, Rachel has instead become obsessed with scissors. And, yes, we've hidden all of them, and, yes, I am watching her constantly. It's getting to the point where Larry dreads coming home from work, as he doesn't want to hear the latest Rachel exploit when what he really needs is a beer and some peace and quiet. I'm living some bad I Love Lucy episode - just picture Larry as Desi Arnaz, waving his alarm clock with the cord snipped in two and saying, "Looocy, you have some 'splainin' to do!" And I'm standing there, wringing my hands, and insisting, "I didn't take my eyes off her for a minute, Ricky!" Lately she's been laying off the electrical stuff in favor of what appears to be her true calling - amateur taxidermist. We've had to stow all the stuffed animals for safekeeping until Rachel stops decapitating them and mounting their heads on the wall as trophies. True, this seems to be a rather sophisticated prank for a 4-year-old; but our by now well-honed interrogation methods have exonerated both Brian and Theo. As for David, he was absolutely prostrate with grief over Froggy and Teddy Bear. He spent all of one evening sewing Teddy's head back on.

The scary part is, Rachel just will not stop. Every day, somewhere in the house, Larry or I will stumble upon mute witness to her obsession - nothing big, just a headless bear, say, with its arms sticking out as if to plead, "Help me!" And the head itself will be nowhere in sight. Because she hides them. Yes, that's right - she collects heads, so she can mount them later. Now, I've thumbed through many a child development book in my day; and I just don't recall seeing this sort of thing mentioned in "Your Child at Four" or "The Magic Years" or the like. She hasn't, of course, victimized her own animal, a very attractive white stuffed rabbit. So Larry, obviously feeling desperate, told her a few days ago that he would take Bunny away if he found another headless body. That's right, folks - "Stop it, or the rabbit gets it!" It probably would have been smarter for him to take Bunny hostage then and there; because the next day, there was another headless bear, and Bunny was nowhere to be found. Because Rachel hid it. Remember all the Bugs Bunny episodes where Elmer Fudd throws down his gun and jumps up and down with steam coming out of his ears as he says, "oooh, that wascally wabbit!"? That's what Larry looked like when he realized he'd been outsmarted by a 4-year-old. I must admit, I haven't laughed so hard in years.

We need to physically restrain Rachel, that's all. I would google "shackles (size small)," but I'm betting that the results would be as shocking as they were when I googled "slave costume" for Anna. Better yet, we could ship Rachel off to preschool; but I think the shackles would be cheaper than even one month's tuition. And I can only find half-day programs anyway.

Other children? Oh, yes, them....well, Anna still hates us. We're the worst parents ever. Compliment accepted. And let me point out that her father spent his weekend off painting her room the color she wants it. We should have painted it black. David has turned into a very helpful, competent young man; that is, when he isn't mourning yet another decapitated friend. Brian is 6 1/2 now, which can be an annoying age for little boys; but as anything he does pales in comparison with the deeds of his demonically-possessed 4-year-old sister, we still regard him as a positive addition to our family. Susie is enchanting, toddling around with her fat little legs and cute baby shoes. Of course, Rachel used to be enchanting, also. Theo used to be my right-hand man around here, but now he spends all his time taking pictures of Rachel's latest exploit or else trying to understand his Algebra text. Both our gardens are suffering monstrous neglect.

Well, it's time to get ready to celebrate Larry's birthday. He's 39 today; but, for some reason or other, he's been looking a lot older lately.

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  1. I am absolutely cracking up about the amateur taxidermist....Yeah good luck with all that. LOL!

  2. I'd read this entry before, but it was fun to read it again. LOL! "Amateur taxidermist"!

  3. OMG My daughter is your daughter's twin sister....I cannot find any articles on this topic? Should we be worried? Here is my blog...not quite as fun as yours...more on shopping... If you found any advice on this will you let me know?

  4. wow! i would be scared. do you have any pets? keep her away from them. and i say this as the mother of a 9 year old girl who may or may not have done some of the same things when she was younger. she has moved on to greener pastures. and now that she is in school she seems to be more interested in friends than causing trouble. thank goodness!

  5. Has she outgrown this from it's original post date?


  6. Yes, or we would be insane by now. It ran its course in about 6 months. But we haven't rested quite easy in our beds since.

  7. Holy crap! That is so funny. I love that she took her calling seriously despite any restraints. I am hoping her scissors never touched her own hair...

    Thanks for linking in today!
    I did delete the previous link as requested--haha.

  8. This is the funniest thing!!! Your 4 year old at the time was a head hunter!! Did you ever find like a box full of stuffed animal heads?

  9. LOL okay that is a laugh I needed- now I don't know whether to admit this but my girls- every time they got Barbies as gifts... let's just say after being swung from the neck on the ceiling fans they all ended up in the shrunken head collection. So as not to fill the landfills with waste they went from kids biting (feet and hands???) to dog chew toys.
    The heads- I am pretty sure they used them to perform black magic on me but they aren't fessing up.
    Hahahahha if it is any consolation my kids are older and don't display the same violent tendencies.

  10. I'm still imagining the "shackles (size small)"


  11. That is sooo funny. I had an Edward Scissorhands, too. Now she doea it to her clothing to add thumb holes. (?) I guess I am WAY too uncool to get that. Great Post! I have 7 kids, so I feel your pain about being hated. That just means we are doing our job!

  12. Dear Lord. I realize this is a little time-machine because this post is several years old, so spare me the suspense--is Rachel a Rhodes scholar or does she have the biggest stash of cigarettes at the local lock-up?

  13. cracked me up! Slave costumes and shackels on google?! I'm surprised your door wasn't busted down by FBI! So funny!!! Your girl will grow onto other stuff. Who knows, maybe she's training to be a doctor!



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