Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Time For The Swimsuit Competition!

Hey, menfolk? Go away. Just...go, okay? This is Ladies' Night.

Are they gone? Good. Because they can't understand. Do you realize that men never have a bad hair day? They never "feel fat"? They don't suck in their stomachs every time they walk past a mirror?

It's as if they are a different species, you know?

So, today was the day. That once-a-year day of reckoning. It was hot. It was sunny. And the kids were begging me, "Let's go to the pool! We haven't been there yet!"

That's right, we hadn't gone to our particular Mecca of summer fun just yet. Because I was dreading that first wearing of the swimsuit, dreading pulling it on and observing yet again that, though it is of the modest variety (thank you, Lord, for tankinis with skirted bottoms!), it can never be modest enough. It can't cover the bulging varicose veins in my calves, it can't hide the wrinkles above my knees. Yet I am required to walk around in it in full view of other people; not only that, I have to pretend that I don't feel as though I am parading around buck-naked.

Sigh. I never want to hear my grown children say I didn't sacrifice for them. Because I did. Every summer, at that damn pool....

[Save yourselves, by the way, and do not Google images for "swimsuit competition." When will I learn?]

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23 comments:

  1. Hate swimsuits!! Why can't we go back to the early 1900's when they wore everything covered!


    ARGGGHHHH!

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  2. I loathe swimsuits. The cover-ups are cute though. I'm all for a sarong and a mai-tai while I sit next to the pool and watch the kids.

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  3. Amen to what SHAWN says.

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  4. Move to Australia... we cover EVERYTHING up and call it "setting a good example" or say "I don't want to get skin cancer, my kids still need me". Rashy and boardies and no one even knows what your togs look like.

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  5. That's why I just bought a pool for the back yard. I figure it was cheaper than therapy for the kids from seeing me in the suit.

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  6. Three cheers for short bottoms and skirted bottoms for us more "modest" swimmer types. But it does get better a few weeks in--I hardly notice anymore after a while. But that first week is self-conscious, pale and fleshly.

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  7. I haven't been brave enough to put on the suit. We went to a pool party on Sunday, but only the kids swam. My suit is modest, but I could not find a skirted bottom in long-torso, women's size (and I can barely sew a valance, so sewing my own is out).

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  8. I distinctly remember saying to one of my sisters, oh so many years ago, "Please shoot me and put me out of my misery if I ever get to the point where I wear one of those gigantic Mom swimsuits with a skirt." We went off into gales of laughter...at the ridiculousness of such a thought, there was no way we would ever do that, we were too thin and firm and hot…it wouldn’t happen to us.......and yet here we all are....and my sister can't shoot me because she is wearing one too.

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  9. This is the first summer it's bothering me. Well, last summer I felt like a whale, but I was pregnant. I had a good excuse. This summer I feel woefully out of shape and I'm dreading it. And it's not like I'm ever not wearing a cover-up (for the sun, yes, and the kids wear SPF swim shirts, too). I'm not even sure my bathing suit fits, and I'm scared to try it on, because if it doesn't, I'll have to go swimsuit shopping. Gah.

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  10. Skin cancer runs in my and hubby's families. That is a good enough excuse for me to stay covered up and not go swimming. :) I still wear my string bikini top around the house. We haven't put all the window air conditioners yet and the dining room and kitchen are hot, sometimes. I hope seeing me hasn't scarred or scared my kids. LOL.

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  11. Well, really, no one is looking, you know.

    They'd better not be.

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  12. I live for Lands' End *TALL* skirted tankinis!! The top actually meets the bottom and overlaps it. Otherwise, I'd have to parade around with that fleshy bulge hanging out between the two. And the skirt hides the awful fact that I never did figure out the "bikini area" shaving thing very well. Oh the shame of it all...

    Meanwhile the men wander around in baggy shorts. With their man-boobs and huge, hairy belly hanging out. LOL! It's the semi-thin ones that walk around sucking in their guts. ;)

    I think that there are men who hate this, too -- they just don't admit it to us...

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  13. I just make my husband take the kids to the pool and I stay home.

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  14. Shoot me cuz I lurve my bathing suit. And I'm not super skinny, either. I weigh over 140 and my suit is a size 10. For the first time ever I think I look really nice in my swimsuit. Even when I'm next to the mom with the six-pack and the new boobies.

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  15. This is why I want to learn to photoshop and hack because I will draw long biker shorts under all those thong bikinis in ads all over the net and start a new fad of covering up. My aunt had lupus and her legs were always covered with bruises, plus she couldn't be exposed to much sun so she had the guts to make a vintage 1900's swimsuit and hat. It was awesome. I wish we could go back to that.

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  16. If your pool is anything like my pool, everyone has veiny calves and wrinkly knees. I feel right at home there!

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  17. I agree with all the above. I really don't like wearing swim suits either. All the preparation is exhausting...
    This post did remind me of this article that I just read:
    http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/my-brief-life-as-a-woman/?em
    Maybe then the men-folk would understand the swimsuit issues we have as well? :)

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  18. I always wear a sarong over the bathing suit. Trust me, it's worth it.

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  19. I have not worn a swimsuit since my youngest learned to swim and it was no longer nedessary for me to enter the pool.

    Actually, the exception to that was a couple of years ago in Puerto Rico when my kids insisted I prove I know how to body surf.

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  20. Okay, here's what's worse. I used to do swim therapy for arthritis five days a week, and one day I encounter some random person in the parking lot (thank goodness not inside!) of the grocery store I regularly went to. He's not wearing a cap on his head, he's actually got hair (and it's dry), and I'm trying to place where I know him as the guy says hi.

    And then he bellows--and you just knew he'd been waiting a long time to use this line--"Ha! You don't RECOGNIZE me with my CLOTHES ON!"

    Thanks, dude. That was SO kind of you.

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  21. I am thinking a muumuu with an underwire bra sewn in wouldn't be enough for me to not feel naked! I got to do the same thing with a bunch of teenaged girls. If that doesn't make you want to slit your own throat, I don't know what would.

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  22. oh. my. word. I just posted today about the horrors of shopping for a bathing suit.

    But here's something that always keeps my head up at the neighborhood pool: there is always, always some people who look worse. There. That always makes me feel better . . . shallow, but better.

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