Thursday, February 07, 2019

Before And After

Apparently, I post once every two weeks now, whether I have anything to say or not.

Is it possible to feel exhausted and energetic all at the same time? Apparently. I look forward to work each day, I come home tired but feeling very accomplished. Okay it's a little hard to get up at 6:30 every morning, but hey, it's dark out! I bet even Kimmy Schmidt hates getting up in the dark.

The house is sort of falling apart around the edges, and I try to catch up on the weekends, but currently there are two baskets of laundry in my bedroom, waiting to be put away, and a ton of dust under my bed, threatening to choke me in my sleep if I don't start Swiffering. Also, there are approximately 40 dozen winter coats in our hall closet, and there are only 4 people currently living in this house. Why? I know not why, and I don't have time to find out.

We won't talk about the refrigerator, okay? Lord knows what's happening in there. We'll just let the CDC sort that out.

All my IRL friends are tired of hearing me talk about how I love having a job, and I don't blame them. So I'll just say it here: I love having a job. It helps that I'm doing something I enjoy, and I get to work with fairly interesting people, and the hours are somewhat flexible. But what I hadn't realized is how, before I was working, my day was filled with unrealistic (for me) expectations: there were a zillion things I didn't get to, and WHY didn't I get to them? AFTER ALL I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

What I'm saying is, the self-talk was pretty negative, and constant, and I didn't even realize it was there. It was even stealing the joy from my knitting. WHY WASN'T I GETTING MORE DONE? I HAD ALL DAY.

January socks
But now, with full-time work? I have a finite number of things expected of me on a day-to-day basis: go to work, come home, play with Susie (she's on a Yahtzee kick), drive/nag Rachel (yes, she still lives here, but with a breathtaking amount of disdain for her housemates, as befits a 16-year-old girl), make sure the fridge has some basic comestibles in it.

That's it. If I do cook dinner, well, it qualifies as an amazing feat. Yay, me! (Whereas, BEFORE, I was SUPPOSED to cook dinner. ALL THE TIME. See the difference?)

Yes, we HAVE seen this recipe before, but this time? I'm amazing for cooking it
Having a job has pared down the number of things expected of me to a manageable number. Who woulda thunk it? I swear, I feel lighter than I have in years.

None of this is ha-ha funny (and I do prefer to make people laugh), but I wanted to write it down here, in case there is anyone else out there who is feeling dragged down but doesn't know why. You might just be suffering from a case of irrational expectations, is what I'm saying. I'll repeat: BEFORE, the self-talk was pretty negative, and constant, and I didn't even realize it was there. 

I mean, I (unwittingly) fought past it pretty well. I took care of the house, I took care of the kids, I pretended I didn't mind feeling as though I was always dropping the ball (ALL THE BALLS). But it's tiring, all that fighting. No wonder I feel so much more energized now - it's as if someone took 20 pounds of weight off me.

Now if I could just lose the actual 20 pounds that have attached themselves to me since menopause...but hey, I guess that's why God invented spandex...

Coming up next time: Larry makes me do taxes. Also, my favorite shapewear. I know! Riveting!


  1. Yay!

    That dinner looks amazing!

  2. Hmm I work and I still feel that way lol.

    1. Don't tell me that! I'm worried what will happen once the euphoria wears off...

  3. Both the socks and the dinner are things of beauty.

    As for having a job - you may be right that before you had the job it was irrational expectations about what could be accomplished. In my experience, managing children and their schedules and a household is damned hard work and takes a lot of brain power (although sometimes it is just mind-numbing) not to mention muscle, and therefore it is sort of like doing 3 to 20 jobs all at once, each one with expectations. All women in the thick of that stuff should tell themselves that they are not dropping the ball. They are there for their family.

    You reminded me that I have to do our taxes soon. Groan.

  4. That's the thing about working - it lowers your own expectations about what you can get done at home. Don't even say the "T" husband will be asking when we are going to sit down and do them and I don't wanna.

  5. Yay you is right - that dinner looks delish! So, what I am hearing is that I should get a job outside of the house so I can feel more accomplished and feel less pressure to accomplish EVERYTHING in the house as pertains to meals, groceries, laundry, cleaning house, paying bills, setting ortho appointments, driving kids, finding winter boots come winter, ETC!!!! In that case, SING ME UP! (cause I am feeling swamped over here)

  6. I loved working because I was no longer expected to do everything around the house. Now that I'm not working I feel guilty about all that I'm not accomplishing, so your theory makes sense.

  7. I know you are busy and working, but can I ask you how you manage to have no captcha when someone comments on you blog? I have a comment from a fellow blogger who informed me it takes a long time to leave comments on my blog because of my captcha. No idea how to change it, update it, or get rid of it? Any idea?!

  8. Fantastic! So happy for your euphoria!

  9. Working both shifts (I call them first and second) is EXHAUSTING. There's a lot to juggle on the homefront, so go gentle on yourself while you adjust.
    I chuckled at the idea of the CDC taking over the fridge for you--we have a(nother) snow day today and I just tackled mine.