More Gray Hairs

That chair? The one that the kids were having so much fun on? The one that was such a great deal at a yard sale? Tonight it cost us a 50-dollar emergency room copay after Rachel swung it around too fast and Susie fell off, landing on her chin.

I didn't know chins could bleed that much.

On the bright side (because that's where I like to live), Susie's teeth weren't knocked out, the stitches at the ER only took 2 hours, and none of the other kids drank Larry's untouched glass of beer while he and I were at the hospital with our injured one.

Yeah, Larry was just settling down for a rare relaxing evening when all this happened. He should have known better, right?

While Susie was still screaming and Larry was attempting to stanch (sp?) the flow of blood, Rachel was yelling at me, "Get the band-aids! Get the Bactine!" She's a natural medic. I just hope she doesn't get any weird sewing ideas after she sees Susie's stitches.

There are 8 stitches on that little chin. Sensible guy that he is, Larry, after getting an initial glimpse of the damage inflicted, said to me, "Let's go. And don't look." I guess he didn't want to deal with an unconscious wife in addition to an injured child. Good call.

And, as usual in these situations, the parents are more traumatized than the child. Susie didn't even cry during the stitching. And she sang herself to sleep tonight while playing with the pretty hospital bracelet the "nice lady" gave her.

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It turns out that the manager at the bookstore is interested in hiring someone who has a kid-induced lobotomy. Imagine that! Can I interest you in our members' discount card?

Shameless Begging And Other Blogging Hazards

Scribbit is having its monthly Write-Away contest, and the subject is "Going Places." If you are interested in participating, head on over to this post with the entry instructions. Scribbit happens to be one of those bloggers that Sue is insanely jealous of, with companies fairly knocking down her door and falling all over themselves in an effort to give her free products to review. Gourmet popcorn, immersion blenders, you name it - Scribbit finds them on her doorstep. Most recently, she reviewed her free Sony e-reader and gave it a thumbs-up.

Do you hear that, Amazon? How about sending a Kindle this way? I'll write a glowing report that will leave that Sony e-reader in the dust, so to speak. And I promise, the word "vomit" will appear nowhere in the review.

I wouldn't mind some of that gourmet popcorn, either.

Not to alarm anyone, but I have incurred a blogging injury. I sat down at the computer before doing my yoga this morning and managed to pull a muscle in my neck simply by turning my head. My morning yoga routine takes a mere 5 minutes, so don't be too impressed at my regular exercise habits. But, if today is any indication, it does seem that those 5 minutes are all that stand between me and partial paralysis.

Are there personal trainers that specialize in keeping mommy bloggers limber enough for cruising the blogosphere? I think that's what I need. Especially if he is good-looking and does neck massages...

I'm staying up late tonight; if I go to bed, morning will come faster and then it will be time for my endodontist appointment. I wish I had a good movie to watch...

Hypochondria, Unleashed

Sometimes, I like to fantasize what my life might be like if I could take a shower in the morning without 2 little girls in the bathroom with me, bickering over which one gets to unwrap Mommy's Kotex. Just in case you thought there was a cure for sibling rivalry, I'm here to tell you that no, there isn't. Siblings will fight over anything. They're programmed that way.

I managed to pierce my foot on some sharp piece of jewelry crap on the girls' room floor this morning, and the doctor's office recommended that I come in for a long-overdue tetanus shot. So, blowing some finely-laid morning plans to hell, I headed out, down my ice-glazed steps and to my ice-glazed car, which I couldn't open. So I called the doctor's office to tell them that my car was frozen shut. Meanwhile, Theo, always intrigued by a challenge, went outside to see what he could do and came back in to report that the reason I couldn't get the car open was because the doors were...um...locked.

I hate smart-aleck teens, don't you? Especially when they're right?

So now I am defrosting the car. Hopefully I will remember to go back out before I run out of gas. Because otherwise I would be stuck here without a tetanus shot and my inner hypochondriac would take over and convince me that death is imminent. And that would result in my devoting my day to what any mother would do if she felt that her time on earth was soon to end - I would try to organize all the thousands of pictures on my computer so that my poor motherless chicks would at least have a few happy memories of their childhood.

I really don't have the energy to do all that right now, so I think I'll go outside and check on that car.

Danger on the Playground

Rachel managed to almost break her nose today by somehow slamming a heavy-duty tire swing into it. I was a little bummed it was self-inflicted; I was half-hoping that the neighbor kid (the one whose head was almost cracked open by Brian) had done it. Then we and our neighbors would be even. But no such luck. Rachel was sobbing hysterically until she realized that she'd get a popsicle; then she turned the waterworks off like that (picture a snapping finger, okay?). Susie of course required a sympathy popsicle or two; girls are empathetic like that, you know? I think they take turns injuring themselves, just to get popsicles.

Anna still hates me. And I still don't care. I garnished part of her allowance to pay for ice cream treats for her little siblings, because she wrecked their Duplo creations during one of her hissy fits. Yes, I am the meanest mother ever. It was good ice cream, too. McDonald's has these little sundaes on their dollar menu - what a deal! That wasn't a paid promo, by the way. With 6 kids, I'm just very enthusiastic about Dollar Menus.

General Juvenile Behavior

Saturday was shaping up to be a good day until one of our neighbor's very sweet 4-year-olds suffered a blunt force trauma to the head, an injury which was, unfortunately, inflicted by my Brian in our basement. It didn't help that I didn't know which twin it was (nothing like shouting at a bleeding 4-year-old, "Who are you?!" while running to get his mother). Brian claims it was an accident (by-product of a pillow fight), and fortunately the victim's older sister corroborates his story. Whew. I'd hate to have to move again.

Larry and I went out for dinner that night to a "real" restaurant (meaning we didn't have to stand up to order our food). I spent the evening trying not to be grossed out by the fact that we unfortunately had a front row view of the butt crack (excuse my wording - I can't think of a polite way to say that) of some teenager sitting at the table next to us with a bunch of his friends. I would like to say in this underdressed teenager's defense, however, that he had good enough manners to put his napkin in his lap while he ate. Now if he could have just draped it behind him instead....

I decided that yesterday would be a pleasant stay-at-home day. Unfortunately, I forgot that the children would be there too. You know, the longer I'm a parent, the more I start thinking that "Children should be seen and not heard" is a really good idea. The little creatures whine and cry a lot. In a sudden fit of insanity, I decided to be a super-nice mommy and bake cookies with them in the afternoon; the first 5 minutes, Rachel screamed because we were making oatmeal raisin. The next few minutes, Susie screamed because Brian was mixing and she wasn't. Then Brian spent a while sobbing because Rachel (who had gotten over her disappointment) and Susie (likewise) were stirring in the wet ingredients without him. Then they all cried because I came to my senses and threw them out of the kitchen and put the dough on the cookie sheets myself.

Mealtimes are no better. If Susie doesn't like something that she has put into her mouth, she can't just spit it out onto her plate. She has to hold it in her hand and then scream at me until I take the masticated, spit-filled item from her personally. Besotted as I am with her, I still don't find this behavior charming. And for some reason, Rachel is unable to sit down at table for a meal without automatically whining about something on her plate. Brian pouts and whimpers if we expect him to eat anything that does not fall into the category of meat and potatoes, while Anna complains about everyone else's eating habits. We can't even invite anyone over for dinner - it's that embarrassing. I can't tape their mouths shut, because then they couldn't get the food in. IV feeding for the whole family is looking better and better to me.

There - have I complained enough? We're getting summer cabin fever here. And it's predicted to be in the 90's all week. The only saving grace this summer has been the kids' obsession with jigsaw puzzles - the real ones, the 1000-piece kind. I think we've done 4 already. They're sort of addictive. And Susie helps to make them even more challenging by taking apart the pieces when we're not looking. And throwing them back into the box. It's a good thing she's still cute.

Anna's birthday is coming up, and we're not sure what to get her. What does one get for the girl who hates everything? Or, at least, everything to do with us? Larry figures he may surprise her by giving her her bedroom door back. She slammed it one too many times a few weeks ago, and he snapped. I think it's in the attic now. I don't know - I'm staying out of this one.

Theo is heading back home next week, and I, for one, am looking forward to it. We've been eating so much dairy while he was gone that I've gained another 5 pounds. Talk about too much of a good thing.

Wow - I can't believe we still have all of August to endure down here in the semi-tropics. The mosquitoes are just starting to come out in force (they got a late start this year - sometimes a drought can be a good thing), my garden's dead, and Larry doesn't take me seriously when I tell him that what this family needs is a summer house on Martha's Vineyard. Or Nantucket. Everyone needs a change of pace every once in a while, is my thinking. Larry's thinking probably runs more along the lines of "Wives - they'll spend whatever you make." Well, yes - boredom will do that. It would be a little less boring around here if either one of us could figure out how to set up our DVD player - ever since the move, it's just been sitting there, defying all our attempts to get both sound and picture at once. I suggested that we just buy a new one. But Larry just got that look on his face again - you know, the one that says, "Wives...."

It's late - I have to post this before it becomes August, now don't I? Good-night, all.