Teen Girl Survival Guide

Slight crisis last night - tiny little sugar ants infesting my computer desk. Hysterical does not even begin to describe my reaction. I mean, here we had my admitted addiction to blogging having a head-on collision with my complete aversion to all creepy-crawly things. I went to bed a very conflicted person.

Things seem to have improved this morning, though I am typing very gingerly and am standing as far away as my short arms will allow me from the keyboard.

Aaagh! Just saw another one. Okay, quickly, then - I've just read yet another post about insanely-acting teen/preteen girls. Let me shorten the learning curve for all you people whose daughters have just recently been possessed.

Surviving Teens (and Preteens) of the Female Persuasion

1. Do not, I repeat, do not try to reason with these creatures. You could reason better with a pet iguana. They do not want to see your way of looking at things. Because that would make them as much of a loser as you are.

2. Insist on the outward forms of respect. That is, unless you want to live for a couple of years with a screaming, wall-kicking, door-slamming she-monster....

3. Remember, you are dealing with someone who has regressed to the mental state of a 2-year-old. Treat her as one. Short, simple commands work best. Tolerate no questioning or backtalk - she just wants to waste an hour of your time.

3. Never does the pain/pleasure principle work so well as it does for teenagers. Making a teen write "I will not hiss at my mother while she is speaking" 200 times has more of a salutatory effect than lecturing her. Make sure to take away all computer/phone/music-playing privileges until she is done.

4. Carry a hand-mirror at all times to avoid looking directly in the face of the teen-girl death glare. Confronting the death glare directly has been known to turn formerly rational parents into screaming, out-of-control maniacs.

5. Acknowledge everything she says and agree with it. (Yes, dear, we are ruining your life. That's right, we are losers. Now go shovel off the floor in that hellhole you call your room.) It drives her absolutely crazy.

6. When they complain about simple household chores, give them more. When they complain about that, add even more work. Eventually, it gets through their pea-size brains that there is a pattern here, and they shut up. (Not permanently, alas, but that would be too much to ask for)

7. Do not acknowledge her presence when she is standing directly above you, glowering like a summer storm cloud, flashes of lightning emanating from her eyes. Asking what is wrong is just asking for trouble. Instead, smile sweetly and say, "My, don't you look lovely today!"

8. Develop an early-warning system with your spouse. Do not let him come home from a hard day of work to be greeted by, "Either she goes or I go!" These sort of histrionics are very hard on the menfolk.

9. Don't be afraid to be drastic. Removing an oft-slammed bedroom door is a reasonable tactic for an otherwise unsolvable situation. So is refusing to allow her a driver's license until the teen is capable of thinking in a rational fashion once more.

10. Remember, this is a test of endurance; it's a marathon, not a sprint. Conserve your energy. Hydrate well (preferably with something that has some alcohol content). Stay in shape for those times you have to prevent your daughter's doing damage to personal property or a younger sibling. Laugh a lot, especially in front of her. She hates that.

Reluctant Housewife has tagged me with a book meme, where you open the book you are reading to a certain page and post what is there. But, seeing as how her entry was, in part, "Household pig-killings are important social status indicators and are used as a semipublic measure of familial well-being," I don't think anyone can top that for absolute weirdness. I wonder, are stuffed-animal decapitations also valid as a measure of familial well-being?