Saturday, September 27, 2008

Mortality Beckons...

Well! Where has the time gone? Larry got home Thursday late, but I didn't even get to talk to him until this morning; by the time he got home from work yesterday, I was in bed suffering from the gallstones that I don't have. Or maybe it's not gallstones, maybe it's pancreatic cancer and it's spreading and soon my children will be motherless...at least, that's what I spent the evening thinking.

Yeah, it's rough being a hypochondriac.

So, I dragged myself out of bed this morning to buy a bushel of apples at the local farmers' market; and then I came home and lay down some more (all the while wondering if my prognosis would give me enough time to catch up on all the scrapbooking) and then I got up and ironed all the summer clothes I haven't ironed in 3 weeks because someone told me it's getting warm again this week, and even if I am dying, I don't want to look like it.

Especially
if I'm dying...I don't want to spend my last weeks hearing everyone whispering, "She looks awful." I want everyone to be saying, "But she looks great! I can't believe it's terminal!"

Ah, vanity - thy name is woman.

Well, Larry is tapping his foot, waiting for me to go out on a lunch date. I don't really see the point to strengthening our marriage right now, as I am apparently not long for this world; but maybe if I do what he wants, he won't remarry too quickly after my demise.

A year - he's got to wait at least a year, don't you think?

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21 comments:

  1. At least a year.

    Maybe two.

    And I really don't think that ironing is a good thing to do if you're dying. Just throw everything in the dryer, then take it out before it wrinkles.

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  2. With all those kids? I don't think so!

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  3. I knew I was REALLY maturing when I realized that I would want my husband to remarry (an ugly old hag) quickly -- so my kids will have a mother. Quickly = 10 years; less if she's super-fat, too.

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  4. At least a year. But remember, you have a teenage daughter. I don't think he'll be able to convince someone to move in for a while. ;-)

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  5. Now "Laura", you know that "Rob" would never want to remarry after you're gone. [Even if "Richie" needed mothering.] He'll just bronze the egg salad sandwiches ceremonially and keep your half of the closet closet as you left it.

    When your non-existent gallstones finally `come out, feel free to chuck them at the head of your doctor.

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  6. He may hire a butt-ugly nanny to assist with the rearing of children and housekeeping duties, but NO marriage for a year. That is a proper period of mourning. And of course he must gnash his teeth and wail during the week-long funeral ceremonies.

    I agree--we all want to go out looking GOOD.

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  7. Our deal is a year. Well, never for me, because I can't imagine anyone else, but I asked him to wait a year before getting involved. My dad waited, oh, four months maybe?

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  8. Definitely a year. A year and half would make him look sainted.

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  9. My hubby says I better die after he does, as no other woman would want an overwieght balding middle-aged man like him but me. Is this a compliment or not?

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  10. Um, well, I would agree with the one-year wait, but there are those six kids. When I think of the trouble my two kids can get up to when I take a two-hour nap, I cringe. Six kids, a whole year... good Lord. The potential for disaster is mind-boggling.

    Unless your kids are a LOT better-behaved than mine, which is actually pretty likely, now that I think about it.

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  11. Not to make you rethink this or anything, but as a widow, it took me four years to even think of looking, and even then, I sort of did it to shut up all my friends who kept "encouraging" me. Lo and behold, I met a widower! Who gets me...who would have thunk?!!! Certainly not me!

    All this aside...

    YOU are not dying...you need a new doctor, pronto. Monday morning, if you can last till then, on the phone, you need a referral to see someone else. Don't let them tell you no. Having been through cancer with my late husband I can tell you that you have to push to get your answers, so keep pushing, and start pushing HARD! You are too young for this!

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  12. Personally, I think you should jut tell him to re-marry quick and get it over with. I mean he's bound to make a horrible choice and miss you all the more.

    Oh, I've got kidney stones here, I think it's REALLY colon cancer though. Do we all do this?

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  13. Frankly, I don't care how long he waits. Because really what say do I have in the matter.
    If he can snag someone I am not going to get in the way. She has no idea what she is in for. I hope she is skinny and young,in a year she will look haggard and old just like I did at my untimely death.

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  14. I don't know, a year is a long time to wait when you have snotty teens driving you crazy. A year is kind of mean. How about a month til he starts dating again?

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  15. When my husband and I were discussing my looming demise, he said he'd never remarry. Geez, was it that bad? No, he said, but too late. So, I told him that I would want him to remarry, someone who would be a good mother for Laura (not an evil Disney-esque stepmother, but someone of whom my friends would approve) because I wouldn't want her motherless. My husband looked at my tenderly and said, "That's really big of you to think that way." I said, "Big of me? I'm not being big about anything. Under this scenario, I'm dead."

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  16. I am heavily insured, so if I kick it my husband would be a wealthy man. I think the golddiggers would be crawling from the woodwork within two weeks, TOPS.

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  17. He can hire a Mrs. Doubtfire look a like and wait a year. make sure you make him a really nice scrap book of just the two of you... and make a mixed tape.

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  18. for gods sake.....go see another doctor to put your mind at rest!!........

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  19. I've read that if men don't remarry within a year, they never do. Maybe 11 months is fair.

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  20. There are times for simply parking yourself in the waiting room and demanding to be seen. Book the appointment, and if they don't book it, go. I've found that easier to do when it's for one of my kids, but they were practice for when I had to do it for me. Best of luck!

    Oh, and--I've already told my hubby whom he's to call in hopes of dating, should she still be available, when I kick the bucket. The man can't make a decision to save his life, so I did it for him. Heh.

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  21. I think he should pine forever.

    After 10 years of wearing black my hubby is allowed to find some pale shadow of me with whom to fulfil his very basic needs.

    Very basic.

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