Worried about gaining weight over the holidays? Follow Suburban Correspondent's handy guide for keeping those unwanted pounds away!
1. Cancel Chanukah party (with its attendant calorie-laden fried potato pancakes) due to best friend's parasite-ridden children. Whew! One hurdle jumped!
2. Approximately 10 days before Christmas, contract a cold with a wicked sore throat. Add in 2 cold sores on the inside of your lower lip. Voila! You can't ingest anything without extreme pain! This should get you through all those pre-holiday pageants and parties quite handily. Careful! Wine hurts too!
3. As the sore throat wanes, make sure to pick up a stomach bug from your 10-year-old son. Perfect for keeping you from tasting any of the treats you still have to bake for everyone else!
4. Fail to recover from said stomach bug within 48 hours. Lie in bed on the third day and decide you have some sort of intestinal cancer. Wrap presents for your children (the last you'll ever give them) while weeping copiously. Burns more calories than wrapping cheerfully! Stop frequently to blow nose and lament your poor motherless children's bleak future to your confused husband. That burns more calories, also (the nose-blowing and lamentations, that is, not the confused husband). You are on your way to becoming one svelte sick chick.
Kenny Loggins ruined one innocent 7-year-old girl's Christmas. ROTFL. And, hey, all that rolling on the floor laughing burns extra calories, too...
[sneezing photo credit: Salon]
[photo credit: Hyperbole and a Half]