Thursday, December 23, 2010

Holiday Weight-Loss Tips

Worried about gaining weight over the holidays?  Follow Suburban Correspondent's handy guide for keeping those unwanted pounds away!

1. Cancel Chanukah party (with its attendant calorie-laden fried potato pancakes) due to best friend's parasite-ridden children.  Whew!  One hurdle jumped!

2. Approximately 10 days before Christmas, contract a cold with a wicked sore throat.  Add in 2 cold sores on the inside of your lower lip.  Voila!  You can't ingest anything without extreme pain!  This should get you through all those pre-holiday pageants and parties quite handily.  Careful!  Wine hurts too!

3. As the sore throat wanes, make sure to pick up a stomach bug from your 10-year-old son.  Perfect for keeping you from tasting any of the treats you still have to bake for everyone else!

4. Fail to recover from said stomach bug within 48 hours.  Lie in bed on the third day and decide you have some sort of intestinal cancer.  Wrap presents for your children (the last you'll ever give them) while weeping copiously.  Burns more calories than wrapping cheerfully!  Stop frequently to blow nose and lament your poor motherless children's bleak future to your confused husband.  That burns more calories, also (the nose-blowing and lamentations, that is, not the confused husband).  You are on your way to becoming one svelte sick chick.

5. Recall that laughter is the best medicine.  Forget your troubles (and your hunger) by reading about how Kenny Loggins ruined one innocent 7-year-old girl's Christmas.  ROTFL.  And, hey, all that rolling on the floor laughing burns extra calories, too...

[sneezing photo credit: Salon]
[photo credit: Hyperbole and a Half]


  1. I guess that it's a good thing I didn't mail you chocolate?

    Once I finish wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes ("Kennnnyyyy Logggggiinnnsss") I'll be blowing my nose, washing my hands, and baking cookies.
    Wishing you good health SOON!!

  2. I've been working that stomach virus for almost two weeks now (I think I got better, then caught it back from the toddler). It comes, it goes. The school nurse sent out an email the day my younger son's class was half out of school. The health dept thinks it's norovirus. The most hysterical part of the fact sheet was the bit on how anyone with symptoms shouldn't prepare food until the symptoms are gone and for three days thereafter. Talk about rolling on the floor laughing. So when I first got this and my husband was in Europe I should have had my 9yo cook for everyone? Oh, that CDC. They crack me up.

  3. LOL. So so so true! Last week my daughter came down with the flu which turned into bronchitis. Two days later it was my turn. She is fine now. I am not.

    I love Hyperbole and a Half, so glad you read it too!

  4. Sorry you're sick, but, um, thanks for the tips. I think. :) Get well soon!

  5. The only good thing about being sick is that sometimes it is a forced weight loss program. I think to myself, well, you've lost some weight, now how about some chocolate. But sadly, being sick decreases my desire for such food. Life is so unfair!

    Here's hoping you feel better real soon. If it's any consolation, my daughter and I still fondly remember the Christmas 10 years or more ago when her younger brothers got sick (only a fever and sleeping) for three days before Christmas, and the two of us spent the whole time baking cookies uninterrupted. It still ranks as one of my best Christmas's ever. How bad is that?!!!