Saturday, May 30, 2009

All Over The Place

Has no one noticed that I have been without a working dishwasher for several weeks now? Do I receive no kudos for not even complaining about this situation? Does anyone even realize how many dishes I have washed by hand in the past month?

I think I'm needing a little pat on the back right now.


I'm not sure whether I've ever addressed this issue here before, but Larry tends to be a very thorough person. Whatever he does, he does to sort of an extreme (I mean, let's face it, he's got 6 kids). So when we bought this house 2 years ago and decided we needed to install ceiling fans in several rooms, the man went into hyperdrive. Whereas most people would have moseyed on down to the local Home Depot and come home with some fans that same day, Larry devoted a good 2 weeks of his life deciding which fans to buy and where to buy them.

He researched. He Googled. He compared and contrasted. There were spreadsheets, people, comparing various fans and their attributes. Larry was going to get the very best fans, by golly, so he wouldn't ever have to replace them and go through this process again.

He tends to go a little overboard, okay?

So! We installed the fans (ordered over the Internet) in 5 bedrooms, the dining room, the kitchen, and the family room. It took the electrician all day to get the job done. When he left, Larry proudly showed me what excellent fans he had purchased by flicking on the one in the master bedroom. "Look at this power!" he said. "These have the best motors!"

Folks, when that fan is on, it feels like a gale force wind. It is strong enough to alter local weather patterns. When we turn on all 4 bedroom fans upstairs, I wince. I expect the entire roof to lift off and go sailing away under their power.

And then there was the matter of the light fixtures. Larry chose them, because looking at all his spreadsheets made me whimper. The master bedroom and the kitchen fans ended up with this fixture where the chain for the light hangs down through a hole in the bottom of the globe. As the fan whirls, the chain tends to describe a small circle in the air, reminding me of that scene in The Graduate when Dustin Hoffman takes his date to a strip club, and the stripper stands over their table and twirls the tassels on her pasties (what? you don't remember that scene?).

I've told you all this just to explain why as I lie in bed - clutching the covers to keep them from blowing off and staring up at the chain twirling around and around - I am always trying to remember the name of the actress that played Anne Bancroft's daughter in The Graduate.

I guess sometimes a ceiling fan is not just a ceiling fan.


Tonight was my last night at the bookstore. In theory, I start my new job next week. But I've received no formal notification of that. I feel as if I made the whole thing up - you know, that thing about flexible hours and work from home and do you mind making 25 dollars an hour and setting your own schedule? Next thing you know, I'll be telling you I'm going to be an astronaut, or perhaps a trapeze artist. Hey, if I'm going to make things up, I should go a little wild, right?


  1. Theoretically, it sounds like a dream come true. The job--not the ceiling fans.

  2. (round of applause) Good job on the dishes! That is such a chore!!

  3. I was dishes by hand every freaking day. For 17 years. I think I could use a dish washer.

    My mom has a ceiling fan in her room that she calls a giant breast lol. She's always looking for a new one when we are out shopping.

  4. Katharine Ross.

    I'm trying to figure out how to keep the ceiling fans on the first floor of our ancient house from making the upstairs floors hum and vibrate. It keeps the child awake at night.

  5. 'pat pat pat pat' in the direction of your back.

  6. AnonymousMay 31, 2009

    kudos for doing the dishes. i don't own a dishwasher but i can only imagine the amount of dishes that need to be washed in such a big family (hey, pictures??)


  7. AnonymousMay 31, 2009

    I remember not having a dishwasher for around 1 year. So not fun. Send you a pat on the back and a little sympathy.

    Good luck with the job.

  8. I, too, have fallen victim to a broken dishwasher this week.

    My sympathies. I only have one child to clean up after and I'm tired of washing dishes already.

  9. OMG is larry's real name JOSH? Is this why we don't have kids - because he has 6 kids with you?!!? Because I DISTINCTLY recognize that research/google focus!!

    No wait...Josh would have your poor kids lined up for PT at 0500. (If larry does this, pls call me IMMEDIATELY!!)

    I am officially sympathetic to your plight and am amazed you have not switched to paper yet. Because I totally would have!

  10. Yup. Katherine Ross.
    Sorry about the Gale Force fans...thet is always a bit difficult!
    ((((hugs)))) on the dishes...
    I would have assigned them to Anna ;)

  11. This was soo funny! I am like your husband with the research and the googling. I drive myself crazy. Hope your job is for realz.

  12. Yeah. Katherine Ross.

    I can't sleep with so much wind going up my nose---it ruffles my nose hairs, if you know what I mean...

  13. Ooh, now you have to CLEAN the fans. They pick up 2.5 pieces of dust every time they go around, and boy howdy, does that add up... Sorry, but that's the awful truth. Six kids = six people who can use the duster... ;)

  14. A) I hate washing dishes.
    B) Your husband and my husband are kindred spirits.
    C) My husband won't buy a potato peeler without looking it up on Consumer Reports.

  15. AnonymousJune 01, 2009

    I remember that scene... um, thanks, now I have something to think about today.
    There are many days when I WISH I had a gale force wind in my bedroom. But I won't complain, because I have a dishwasher. Please don't hate me.


  16. AnonymousJune 01, 2009

    No, no, no! Josh and Larry must also be named Tom!! Maybe they're clones?? You should have seen the spreadsheet Tom made when he was researching his next car! And have Larry or Josh ever made a spreadsheet to compare cereals and their nutritional values? I bet they have! I feel better knowing I'm not the only wife with a detail oriented hubby!

    Don't wait for him to buy the new dishwasher...after all, YOU are the one who uses it, YOU should be the one to choose it ;)

  17. Geez they teach that to Military Men, in Military Man School? The maddeningly methodical comparison shopping, replete with spread sheets? Mine does that too. I want just pick something and get it over with already.

  18. I have to say the last few weeks have been some of my favorite posts!! You have made me laugh during some tough times and for that I thank you!! :) Keep em'coming!!

  19. I thought you were going to tell us your new job involved tassels.

  20. Perhaps you can use the winds from the ceiling fans to dry those dishes!

  21. AnonymousJune 01, 2009

    Could be that Larry remembers that scene from The Graduate too... his M.O. reminds me of my friend's husband. We often ask him for advice knowing how well-researched his answer will be.
    BTW, I HAVE thought about you and your dishwasher--the broken one, not the teenage one.

  22. I don't understand how you have 6 children and still claim you don't have a dishwasher. I think you have 6 of them.

  23. I can't believe you are washing all those dishes by hand. You are a superstar!!

    I am not a ceiling fan girl. I hate air blowing on me.

  24. I don't even have a dishwasher. One day I looked in the sink and thought, WHERE DO THESE COME FROM? I LIVE ALONE. So I just stopped being so anal about it. It's very relaxing my way!

  25. Good luck with your space suit. Maybe you can just grab hold of one of your fans and be a work from home astronaut?

  26. I'm reading along thinking "No, he's not Larry or Josh...he's Tom." Then I get to Anon's comment.

    No wonder my poor husband is so exhausted at night and spends his mornings swilling caffeine to stay awake at work. In addition to all the spreadsheet-age at our house, he's doing it at y'all's houses, too? And fathering umpteen children? Yikes!

    We have a ceiling fan in every room except the bathrooms. There has been discussion about putting a ceiling fan in our bathroom; I am resisting that move.

    Tonight we are getting ready to finalize our cabinet order for a small-scale, low-budget kitchen remodel. The computer desktop is a patchwork of spreadsheets and Powerpoint plans and mock-ups.

    At least my dishwasher works...for now, anyway. It overheard me tell Tom that your broken d/w was a Bosch, and ever since then it has been making a sad whining noise as it runs.