Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Any Excuse For Some Online Shopping

Remember this post? Where I theorized that the stinging, burning pain along my rib cage was caused by an allergic reaction to the metal in my bra?  Well, it got worse and was mostly on the left side, so I decided I was dying of pancreatic cancer (because hypochondria, of course).  I called a friend to tell her the bad news, and she convinced me that maybe it would be a good idea to get an opinion from someone who was actually, you know, a medical doctor; that is, one of those people who, unlike myself, have actually spent several years studying the human body and all that can go wrong with it.

My friend is sensible that way.

So, convinced that I was going to be handed a death sentence, I headed off to the medical center this morning, weeping a little inside at the thought of my 2 youngest having to grow up without me.  Poor motherless creatures! And let's not even talk about how haunted I felt by the thought of all the family photos I haven't sorted through yet.  The guilt was overwhelming.

My poor girls, after my demise.  I hope they can sing.

As it turns out, however, I'm not dying.  Yet.   The doctor said it just feels that way because I probably have shingles.  In my defense, the rash hasn't shown up yet, so it was hard to recognize.

I just looked up pictures of a shingles rash.  That was gross.  Don't do it.  Save yourselves.

Torture device, by Wacoal

You know, I have heard people talk about shingles and how painful it is, but I never really believed them. Of course, it doesn't help that this outbreak is focused precisely where my bra makes contact with my body, thus magnifying the pain, oh, about a hundredfold.  Why couldn't I get it around my waist, like other people? WHY? I would have had an excuse to lounge on the couch in comfy pajama pants for a few weeks, while eating Breyer's strawberry ice cream straight from the carton. Silver lining, right?

But no, my over-endowed self either has to go around bra-less (thereby traumatizing my teen boys no end) and risk getting my nipples caught in my pants zipper, or else I have to suck it up by fastening my bra and enduring the pain of a thousand knives under my breastbone.  Nice choice, right?

What I should do is go out and try to find something comfier and looser to hold up the girls - but that would involve putting on the torture bra and visiting umpteen dozen stores to find something that fits.  I just don't think I am physically capable of doing that right now.  Particularly since I am under the influence, as it were, of some nice drugs whose effects might render driving a tad dangerous.

She doesn't look like she's in pain.

Of course, there's always Amazon...they have everything, right? What do you think, will these (in XXL) do the trick? And isn't it a wonderful century we live in, where I could conceivably have a drone deliver brassieres to my door? I mean, it's like the Jetsons, only weirder.

Do you think Jane Jetson ever got shingles?

[Orphan image: Live Theater in MA and RI]
[Bra image: Linda, the Bra Lady]
[Jane Jetson image: The Jetson Wiki]


  1. Seriously?!? You are the second blogger I know to come down with shingles this week! She's miserable. I'm sorry you aren't doing too hot either. I hope those drugs work their magic quickly so you feel better. I'd be walking around without the bra. No question about it.

  2. Sorry about the shingles. But yeah for the pain killers!

    Clicked on the link to the Hanes bras. Might have to try those myself.

  3. So sorry to hear this, but at least they aren't on your face. They can be very dangerous then. I had them on my waist as a kid. I thought it was because I slept with my red bathrobe on! Glad you got some treatment early!

  4. I am very sorry to hear you have shingles. I kind of dread getting shingles, but I also dread the vaccine, for some reason.

    I personally very much prefer the athletic bra that zips in the front. It can be hell struggling into or out of a pullover bra, especially if one is already suffering from some other ailment. I will try to put in some links in a separate comment box.

  5. Argh, I live in fear of shingles. I want to get the vaccine but there is an age requirement before insurance will pay. The more stories I hear of people my age with shingles the more I'm thinking it could be worth the out of pocket expense. Get well soon!

  6. Okay, I hope you don't find this obnoxious, and I hope your browser accepts this comment, with all these links. I did this research last December, so I don't know if these items still are being sold. I did not buy any of these myself - this research was for an elderly person who doesn't do internet. I have bought mine at Sears; last time I looked they did not have any front-zipper ones in stock. Good luck.

    Valmont Women's Zipper Front Sports Bra - Online Exclusive (probably means you can't get it in the actual store)
    Comes in lots of numbered sizes. All the photos are gray but it says it comes in white and black also.

    Body Language Playtex Play™ Zip-Zip Hurray™ bra #4886
    In white. In the back, this one has the racer-back plus the more traditional straps.
    It comes in gray, which is listed separately: http://www.sears.com/body-language-women-s-zipper-front-racerback-sports-bra/p-018VA71550012P?prdNo=25&blockNo=25&blockType=G25

    Hanes Women's Zip-Front High-Impact Sports Bra - HC32

    Everlast® Sport Women's Padded Zip Front Athletic Bra
    Available in black/gray and white/blue

    1. Thanks - I'll check these out, if the ones arriving tomorrow don't work out.

  7. I ordered a sports bra from Amazon and its my favorite, so I say go for it. Given shingles and back pain, a slightly ill-fitting bra may be the least of your troubles. Hope you fell better soon!

  8. The only good news about shingles is that you went to the doctor before the rash even appeared--getting the medicine EARLY will keep it from being quite as terrible. I'm sure he was happy to tell you that it's likely to get pretty terrible anyway, just not AS terrible. And that it can take a LONG time to go away completely. Shingles is some kind of gruesome cosmic punishment from hell. I am SO sorry! Good luck finding a lidocaine-infused bra. (There is hope that the chickenpox vaccine might circumvent shingles later! I can't wait to be old enough to get the dang shingles vaccine.)

  9. As soon as I read the words "mostly on the left side" I shouted, "SHINGLES! Noooooooo!" in my best Mr. Bill voice. Because it truly is awful and yes, a bra cannot touch that rash. Literally, truly, forever-and-ever-amen. I am so very sorry. I do know your pain -- I had shingles on my scalp a few years ago and I couldn't bear to have my hair move. Teenage boys must avert their eyes and do whatever they can to make your life easier.

  10. Came back to make sure my comment posted this time (other comments I've made disappear sometimes... strange) and after reading the other comments am now going to go get that shingles vaccine. Based on a quick internet search it seems I'm old enough to get it. One good thing about being old I guess.

  11. Whoa! I'm glad you got a legit diagnosis from an actual, real live doctor, but OH HONEY. I am so sorry to read this sad news.

  12. Oh I am so sorry but if there is a silver lining, it's that the situation gave you material for a very funny and creative post! For which I thank you!
    A friend's mother currently has shingles in one eye. Awful. I am old enough for the shingles shot and have had it. I think I would get it even if insurance didn't pay for it but I don't know what it costs.

  13. wow. you're having a hellish summer. I'm so sorry.

    1. Well, as you are probably coming to realize, summer in these parts tends to be sort of hellish anyway.