Volcano Virgin

That title came from somewhere - an old Doonesbury joke, I think...

For weeks, Brian has been planning his birthday celebration. He had drawn up extremely elaborate plans of how I was to decorate his sheet cake - the final design included a volcano spewing lava and ash into the air, people running away in terror, etc. All of which was way beyond my skill level. (Actually, anything more difficult to draw than a smiley face is beyond my skill level.) So then, naturally, I was beating myself up over how I don't make super creative cakes for my kids' b'days - you know, the way Dawn (Because I Said So) does. Because she has 6 kids, too, you know; but you don't see her telling them, "Hey, I let you pick out the frosting color - what more do you want?" Nope - she makes cakes shaped like cars and...and...other stuff like that. Which just points out to me my complete inadequacy as a mother. (You hear that, Dawn? Stop torturing me.)

Anyway, necessity is the mother of invention and all that; so, even as I despaired of ever being the fun sort of mother who makes Wow! birthday cakes, I suddenly remembered the Barbie Doll cake (check it out), where one uses a 2-qt measure to bake the batter in so that it comes out skirt-shaped. Which, I realized in a flash of brilliance (or maybe it was a flash of desperation), is also volcano-shaped. And thus great ideas are born...only, it didn't work quite as I envisioned.


Not very volcanic-looking, is it?

Not only did it look pathetic, but it was so dense and chewy as to be almost inedible. Hmmm....so I made a regular sheet cake (that we could actually eat) and plopped my poor excuse for a volcano on top. And, whaddaya know? It still looked pathetic.



But Brian and David, bless their imaginative little-boy hearts, decorated it with frosting and lava-like frozen strawberries and little Monopoly houses and hotels, and they thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Really. It seems that my kids refuse to accept the fact that I am most emphatically not up to the job of giving them a fun childhood. They like me, in fact (well, the non-teens do, anyway). And how great is that?

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

The tale of Brian's Volcano Cake will have to wait until tomorrow. I don't want all the b'day pictures lumped together with the pictures I dumped off the camera this morning in preparation for the festivities. The b'day pictures need to be downloaded on a different day. I know there is probably a way for me to download them tonight into a separate "album," but it is beyond my capabilities. Do not try to explain it to me; my brain will explode.

So, instead, I will share with you the most exciting news of the day. Today Susie became the very first kid in our family to actually poop in the potty before reaching her 3rd b'day. Yup, she is amazing. Well, actually, I am just amazingly lousy at potty training; but I've made my peace with that. We all went out for ice cream to celebrate her great feat. Which, I do realize, poses a problem the next time she chooses to poop in the potty....

Oh, and we left a message for Larry at work - I got Susie to say into the phone (in her sweet little 2-year-old voice), "Hi, Daddy! I pooped in the potty!" I sure hope Larry doesn't listen to his office voice mail on speakerphone.

How many times can I type some variation of "poop in the potty" in a single post? I'm up to 3 already. No, 4...and I am just getting warmed up.

It was spring-like here today, so spring-like that I even considered putting on my (knee-length) shorts. But I really didn't want to find out whether I could button them or not, so I put off that pleasure for another day. I did finally figure out a simple way to reach my goal weight, though - I increased it. So now, instead of being 7 pounds away from my goal, I am only one pound over. I feel so much skinnier! Larry was not impressed with my new approach to weight loss.

I really wish I could show you those Volcano Cake pictures....

Smokey and Me - BFF

Nothing exciting, today. Well, unless you call my teen daughter screaming, "Mommy! Fire!" from the kitchen exciting. I ran in there (without my camera, darn) to find flames leaping up from the burner all around my 12-qt pot. Even though I am a veteran of many oven and stove fires, this particular display of pyrotechnics was quite impressive. Luckily, it died down when I turned the burner off; and I coated the remaining embers with a generous sprinkling of baking soda to make sure nothing relit.

So there it sits. For some reason, it didn't occur to me to actually clean the mess up. I mean, I just cleaned the stove, remember? I have photographic proof.

I'm exhausted tonight (firefighting really takes it out of me); I hope I will be up to the task of creating a volcano cake for Brian's birthday tomorrow. I trust that a volcano cake is easier to make than a tornado costume was. And I have to wrap the Lego set that Larry picked up on his lunch hour today, once we show it to David to make sure it isn't another duplicate. Of course we will be having Brian's favorite dinner - Skillet Lasagna. Only, the boys call it Kill it! Lasagna as they stab at it with their forks. Which behavior irritates Anna to no end. She also hated it when the boys taught Rachel (back when she was 3) to sing, "Pig brains for dinner! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!" Little brothers are annoying that way.

But it was a catchy tune. Sometimes I still find myself humming it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Target Practice

[Welcome, CarTalk visitors! For more automotive mishaps, you can go here. Or here. But, seriously? This site is really all about the vomit. And the mice. Oh, yes - and the somewhat strange kids, too.]

Larry agreed to go to Target with me this evening to look for a birthday present for Brian. He was doing his typically male thing of backing into a parking space instead of going into it the normal way (he likes to show off, because I am too spatially-challenged to ever be able to back into anything)...anyway, he was busy impressing me with his driving skills when I noticed that a woman in a van right behind ours was mouthing some words at us, and the intent of these words did not seem particularly friendly. Maybe because she had been aiming for that same parking spot. I was fretting over the possibility of an embarrassing altercation in the store; but Larry wasn't worried - he had a plan. "Don't worry," he told me. "If she starts yelling at us, we can pretend we don't speak English."

I just wanted to buy some stupid Lego thing, not audition for the Theatre of the Absurd, you know? Next time, I'm going to Target by myself. And parking the way one is supposed to park. The non-confrontational way.

Anyway, after much discussion and back-and-forth (in English), Larry and I agreed on which Lego kit to purchase. When we got home, I proudly showed it to David for his approval. And he informed me that Brian already owns that particular set.

At least I know what my kid likes, right?

How To Get More Me-Time

I am loving this article. For those of you too lazy to click (and what is your problem, anyway?) , it talks about a recent spate of deaths among high-profile, posting-every-day bloggers. If you read the article (c'mon, click already!), however, you will notice a pattern: all the "victims" are men. Apparently, they can't handle the mental and physical stress of being on call 24/7.

Think about that for a minute. You don't see any Mommy bloggers dropping dead, do you? No, of course not; because we are used to those working conditions. Mental and physical stress, 24/7? That's our job description, for heaven's sake. So, gentlemen? My advice to you is, if you can't take the heat...

And speaking about not being able to take the heat, a lot of you are stressed out by the demands of being an Idle Parent. "I'd like to pay less attention to my kids, Suburban Correspondent, but I don't know how." That's what a lot of people are telling me (at least according to the voices in my head). So let me give you a few pointers on...

How to Get Your Children to Leave You Alone
(without resorting to screentime)
(because that's too easy, that's why; so quit whining and listen to me)

1. Hide in your bedroom closet (bring your knitting and a good book, of course); make sure to have a mini-fridge in there well-stocked with the libation of your choice and a bag of chocolate or two. Don't forget the Ott-Lite!
2. Announce to the kids that it is time to clean house and...and...hey! Where'd they go?! Works like magic...
3. Tell them you have hidden candy all over the house and they have to find it. This technique can buy you a lot of time; but it is not for the weak of heart, as the children tend to start crying when they (finally) realize you lied to them.
4. Send them outside to play; but remember to lock the door behind them. The little sneaks are always trying to get back inside, and they're not even bleeding! What's up with that, anyway?