Friday, May 27, 2016

Lazy, Hazy, Crazy

They only hire the best, you know
Brian, having reached the magic age of 16 and all, finally managed to land a "real" job (as opposed to all the yard work, pet sitting, and garbage-can hauling he's been doing over the past few years for the neighbors). And can I just say here that, hey, I'm against child labor as much as the next guy, but people? 15-year-olds are really old enough to work; what's more, they would be much happier and healthier working scheduled jobs than spending all their free time on their smartphones. So what is UP with all the extra laws about employing under-16's that keep employers from hiring them? 2 years of a part-time job is not long enough to save for college, you know.

Where was I? Oh, yes, so Brian was just hired, and can I just say here how impressed I am by the hiring people at Best Buy who realized what an awesome employee he would be? What a great store!

Dang, I'm proud.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. Oh, well, moving on...

Summer hit us with a vengeance over the past 2 days - humidity and temps shot up, which meant that I was able to resume my hot-weather hobby of torturing the children. You see, everyone around here, homes and stores alike, seems to set the thermostat all the way down at 70 degrees, which I find incredibly excessive.

Helpful hint: if you have to put on a sweater, maybe you should raise the temp on your AC first?

Being somewhat of a cheapskate, I generally set the air at 78. But often, the air isn't on at all. I'm convinced that, if I just keep the blinds and windows on the sunny side of the house closed (we have an east-west orientation), we can manage our indoor temps the old-fashioned way. My children call this abuse, but I call it bringing them up right.

So yesterday Larry got home close to 7 PM,, glanced at the thermostat, and said heatedly (ha, ha, I SLAY me), "It's 85 degrees in here!" Which sort of surprised me - I mean, I'm not a monster; it's just that if you are sitting in the heat all day, you don't notice it as much. Sort of like that experiment where a frog is boiled in water but doesn't jump out because the water temp is raised so gradually?

Okay, maybe I am a monster. Still, it wasn't on purpose. And now the kids like Larry better. Is that fair? And is it a coincidence that Brian made "place with air conditioning" a priority on his job search list?

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Missing: One Cute Squeezy Baby

My new baby
Susie turned 11 today. My BABY turned 11. She opened presents (2 stuffed puppies, one hair straightener, a scarf, a tote bag, and a bunch of candy). We went bowling with some friends, and we took her out to dinner. On the way out of the restaurant, Susie found a $20 bill in the parking lot. Because she leads a charmed life, that girl does.

Susie helped Anna make her cake. They added in sugared strawberries, powdered strawberry jello, and homemade strawberry jam. They covered it with cream cheese/strawberry/sugar frosting. I can't even LOOK at it without needing insulin.

After cake, we watched "Raiders of the Lost Ark." You see, in our family, you have to wait until you are 11 to watch that movie. Not quite as good as receiving a Hogwarts letter, I know, but it will have to do. [Fun fact: the actor who plays the African pirate ship captain also plays Kingsley Shacklebolt in the Harry Potter movies.]

So I think we can all agree it was a pretty good day, so far as 11th birthdays go. Nevertheless, I've been feeling gobsmacked all day. Only 11 years? That's all it took for Susie to go from a fat, round dumpling of a baby to someone who is taller than I am, someone who can walk and talk and straighten her own hair?

Time flies. Kids grow fast. Insert your own platitude here.

You know, all I've managed to do over the past 11 years is gain 10 pounds and a bunch of wrinkles. And get a LOT dumber. Seriously, do the kids suck brain cells from us as they grow? Is that how it works? And where has my cute squeezable baby gone? Can anyone tell me that?

Excuse me while I go hug her stuffed puppy again - it's all I've got.

Friday, May 20, 2016


Remember this, last summer? When I was in a lot of pain and thought it was my gall bladder, but it wasn't, and then I thought it was my pancreas, but it wasn't, and it turned out to be shingles? Well, in the middle of all that, I had a dental cleaning scheduled, which naturally I canceled.

That was 9 MONTHS AGO.

Somewhere, along about January, I thought, "Oh, hey, I missed that appointment, which means it's been a year since I've had my teeth cleaned. I need to call and make a new appointment." And, of course, I didn't. I was too busy, if "busy" is what you call sitting around and avoiding housework while whining about not having a job. So a few more months passed and I thought, "Oh, hey, now it's over a year and I really need to act like a grown-up and make an appointment." I even took the effort to install a new calendar app on my IPad at one point and carefully add to the to-do list "Make dental appointment."

Hides well among egg cartons...
Considering that I have the dentist's number memorized, it would have taken me less time to, you know, just call and MAKE THE APPOINTMENT. But no, that item sat on my shiny new to-do list, right under "Bring Zappo's box to UPS store," and nothing happened. (In my defense, the Zappo's box had disappeared into the junk heap that is the inside of my car, and I forgot about it. Because I never looked at that to-do list again.)

Note to self: To-do lists don't work.

I was NOT this happy yesterday.
Long story short, I finally dragged me and my mouth in there yesterday, where I had a different hygienist, not my usual one who knows that I normally am a very good dental patient, etc. So the new chick (who really was very good) was cleaning my teeth and kept saying things like, "These gums don't look good. Flossing is very important."

"I floss every night," I told her. "I missed an appointment [two appointments, I know, shut up], that's why they are bad."

"Also, you need to brush along the gum line. Angle your brush..."

"I do that," I interrupted. "My gums used to be great. Electric tooth brush, brush the gum line, floss every day - I'm just a little late for my appointment, is all."

Five minutes later, she said, "When you floss, you need to get up under the gums..."

"YES. I DO. I'm a moron, all right? I missed coming here for OVER A YEAR."

You know, I think she just wanted to hear me come right out and say it, confession being good for the soul, and all that. And how nice is it that I have a hygienist that is concerned about not only my gum health but also my eternal salvation, hmmm? I'm one lucky gal.

But I still hate being an adult.

[Zappos box image: Catalog Agency]
[Dentist image: Cliparts]

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Procrastination Is Healthy

Better than homemade, I swear...
Well! I woke up yesterday, feeling worse than ever, and read all your comments on the last post and thought, "Yup, I definitely should go to the doctor. But not today. Today I have to bake brownies for Susie's Girl Scout thing and go to Target for more hair products and go to the store for dinner ingredients. And then I have to cook dinner. But tomorrow! Tomorrow I will go to the doctor."

Wouldn't you know, by 9 PM last night, I felt perfectly fine? Apparently, just planning to go the doctor has a salubrious effect. Or else it was the brownies...

And now, here we are - it's raining again. May has been confused this year, thinking it's April, and we have been having cold rains all month - not even the summer thunderstorms that we tend to get in May. Just cold dreary rain. Oh, occasionally the sky clears and the sun peeks out and we all run out to our yards to dump standing water (Zika!) and maybe try to plant something in the garden; but then the clouds come back and it rains once more. I'm handling it okay, until someone says, "May showers bring May flowers!" which happens about 3 times a day, and then I feel sort of homicidal.

Apropos of nothing, Rachel's flip phone fell into the toilet the other night (before she used it, so somewhat clean water). After agonizing, she did reach in and pull it out. When I told Larry about it, he said, "Well, at least she didn't put it there on purpose." You know, old trauma dies hard.

That's all today, folks. I have to head to the commissary, because we are all out of toilet paper and half a dozen other items, and anyway, why not? It's not as if we can go outside and enjoy the spring weather right now. Besides, we've got the Harry Potter books on Audible now, so any excuse for a car ride, eh?

[Brownie box image: Duncan Hines]

Monday, May 16, 2016

Sick Of This

I rode bicycles with Susie today, and I went to Costco, and I walked to the drugstore for more cough lozenges, because I AM STILL SICK. I keep trying to pretend that I am not (see above re cycling and shopping and walking), but I am. A friend suggested that maybe some real medical advice is in order, but I can't imagine what they would say. This doesn't feel bad enough to be pneumonia (well, most of the time) and I've crossed diphtheria off my list, since I'm still alive. What else is there?

Can you tell I really hate going to the doctor? HATE.

So I'm sitting here, sucking on my Ricolas and pretending I will feel better tomorrow. If you don't hear from me again, you can safely assume I dropped dead of menthol overdose. Is that even a thing? Should I Google it?


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