AWOL Appliance Poetry

I completely forgot to include Mrs. Ohtobe's truly excellent contributions to our poetry slam. Her exclusion could render the results of this contest null and void (I'd hate to be sued). Check it out:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a dishwasher full of dirty dishes, will break down at the most inopportune time.

From: Grime & Prejudice

-or-

How about a little Poe?

Once upon a midnight dreary
Dinner's done and I am weary
Load the glasses then the plates
Silverware is in, the pots: they can wait
I shut the door and press the button
But that dang thing, it ain't a runnin'
From deep inside there is a clanking, clanking
And my head I begin a banging, banging
Run the dishwasher? Nevermore.

I'm feeling marginally better today, but not well enough to be coherent. Back tomorrow with the final (if questionable) results from our appliance poetry slam and other unrelated thoughts about illness, mortality, and that pesky " in sickness and in health" item in the wedding vows....

In Which It Feels That My Head Will Explode

Once upon a time there was a blogger (that would be...um... me) who, over the course of 17 years of childbirthing and nursing, was sick a lot of the time. Every cold, every flu, every everything had her family's name on it; and she suffered right along with the rest of them. An unseemly number of blog posts regaled her readers with details of the latest pestilence to strike her apparently immune-suppressed household. Vomit was her middle name.

Then, lo and behold, the milk dried up. And she didn't get sick for 8 whole months. Oh, there was that one Saturday she had to lie down for a few hours because she felt a bit under the weather; but, really, no Sudafed, no Tylenol, no anything medicinal was required for over half a year. Amazing! Unbelievable!

While other members of the household stubbornly persisted in their illness-catching ways, she remained untouchable - it was as if her body had forgotten how to get sick. Things progressed to the point where it puzzled her how the others could pick up all those nasty colds and fevers - what was their problem, anyway? Honking their noses and coughing all the time....sheesh!

Oh, but she was the picture of health!

And now? Because of one traitorous kiss, her sound constitution lies in ruins. She has the head cold to end all head colds, finishing up its 3rd day (so far). It's the kind of head cold where her head hurts so much that she can't sleep, and the lack of sleep makes her head hurt more - a vicious cycle. It's the kind of head cold, in fact, that makes her wonder just what is the point of living, really? And how can people stand being sick?

So y'all will excuse her if she doesn't post this evening. Maybe you'll even excuse her for this weird 3rd-person thing she's got going on here - it must be some sort of out-of-body experience that helps her escape the pain. But you won't excuse her if she keeps whining like this, so she's going to call it quits for now.


PS That first hyperlink up there? Is for the entire month of December 2007....it was that bad.

PPS I think I overdosed on the Sudafed again - will you grant a poor Blogger's dying wish and vote for your favorite poem in our first-ever appliance poetry slam? Thanks.

Coming Attractions

I'm leaving the appliance poetry poll (left sidebar) up over the weekend, because one of the contestants went and asked all her blog readers to vote for her; so I figure the rest of the contestants might want to do the same (just to make it fair). Plus, I'm so proud of figuring out how to put up the darn thing (even though the print is so tiny as to be almost unreadable), I figure I should leave it up there a little longer. Anyone who hasn't done so already, visit our appliance poetry slam and vote in our little contest. I mean, unless you have something better to do....

How come I'm the only one who finds time to blog over holiday weekends? Looks like I've perfected the fine art of neglecting my family, unlike the rest of you slackers. That's okay, I'll just stay on the computer talking to myself....I don't mind. Plus, now that I have this work-from-home editing job, Larry thinks I'm earning money when he sees me at the computer. I've got it made.

Dawn is tempting me with further updates to my blog layout. Stay tuned. I know, you are all agog with anticipation. Can I help it if I don't have a life? Ever since I stopped having babies, I've sort of been at loose ends. For years I told myself that once there were no more babies in the house, I would have more time to cook and clean and homeschool and all that sort of stuff. But now that my youngest is 4, I've had an epiphany: I don't want to spend more time doing those things. I do them enough already.

So I blog instead. And - occasionally - knit. An update on the 9-day (plus several months) Baby Surprise Jacket is in the works. No, the jacket isn't done yet. You can't rush a masterpiece, you know. Even if it does turn out to be a masterpiece of ineptitude...

Appliance Poetry Slam! Right Here!

Thank you to all who participated in our appliance poetry slam. It was fun and inspiring to read all the entries. Please, please vote (poll on left somewhere) (unless, that is, it is on the right) (I mix them up a lot). If hardly anyone votes, I'll feel sort of embarrassed, like I threw a party and no one showed up. Not that that's ever happened to me, or anything...

Of course, it was Cheri at Blog This Mom who started us off with her comment on the death of my dishwasher:

Any KitchenAid death diminishes me, because my dishes are in this model too,
and therefore never send to know for whom the repairman tolls;
it tolls for thee.

My apologies to John Donne.

Thus inspired, several other regular readers chimed in with their contributions:


Green Girl in Wisconsin rhapsodized -

Oh Amana, shall I compare thee to a week without children?
Thou art so soft, so quiet, so clean.
Your lovely chime when the load is done,
Is as refreshing as the morn's sun.
The sleek, smooth steel of your spinning core,
Always leaves me wanting more.

kcinnova sent in this "Ode to a Microwave," with apologies to ee cummings:

electric emotion
the sound of 3 long beeps
or is it 3 short beeps
or 2 shorts and a long?
matters not
only that my water heats
and then
the teabag slides
slowly
in

From Hairline Fracture, a pithy bit of Shakespeare:

"Alas, poor KitchenAid! I knew him, Horatio."

From Mom On The Verge, 2 verses of appliance haiku:

I scrape my child's food
Into the Disposall drain.
Cooking wastes my time.


My Disposall died.
I don't know what to do with
My toddler's dinner.

She also composed this little ditty (it would make a good jumprope jingle) (I mean, if anyone jumps rope anymore):

My microwave defrosts the food;
My oven cooks it up.
The garbage disposal eats the food,
And the dishwasher cleans the cup.

From The Hotfessional, an impassioned ode to her air conditioner, with help from Joyce Kilmer:

I think that I shall never see,
A thing as lovely as A/C,

A/C whose cooling air is prest
Against my sweaty, heaving br3ast.

A/C that runs the entire day,
And causes me to thankfully pray;

A/C that keeps my family cool,
during this summer heat so cruel;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make A/C.

Jenn at Juggling Life has composed the following little gem, with apologies to William Carlos Williams:

So much depends
upon

the insta-hot water
dispenser

ruby red rooibos
ready

in my mug
now

SubWife was inspired by Robert Burns (and Best Buy):

My heart is in Best Buy, my heart is not here
My heart is in Best Buy, a-chasing dishwasher
A-chasing dishwasher and ogling new fridge
My heart is in Best Buy whenever I dream.

Again, thank you all for participating. It's good to know that I am not the only blogger inspired to poetic meter by my electronic house servants.

The poll! Don't forget the poll!

Three Things

A word of advice to any cheating husbands who profess to want to save their marriages: stop talking about how much you love the other woman. It doesn't help.

What's up with all that, anyway? Why does Governor Sanford insist on sharing his feelings with the press? How besotted can one guy be? Has he doodled his and his paramour's initials on his desk in the South Carolina State House yet?

***************

I can't tell you how disturbing it is to me to realize that every single day disgruntled parents are Googling "ungrateful grown children." How do I know that there are so many people dissatisfied with their adult offspring's behavior? Because this post comes up first. They all come here, these Ghosts of Parenting Future, not realizing that I cannot help them.

Go away - please. You're scaring me.

***************

Today I had to submit an invoice detailing what I had done on my new job so that I could be paid. Imagine if I could do that with my full-time job here at home:

1. Serving and clean-up of meals - 3 hours @ $10 per hour - $30
2. Wiping down 2 bathrooms - 15 minutes - $2.50
3. Reading A Baby Sister For Frances - 15 minutes plus the Frances book surcharge of $5 - $7.50
4. Wiping 2 poopy bottoms @ $10 per bottom (hey, that's what Anna tried charging me once) - $20
5. 2 loads of laundry @ $5 a load - $10
6. Showing up at the pool in a bathing suit - let's see, public humiliation goes for, oh, $30 an hour, I'd say - so I'll charge $60.
7. Settling fights and supervising chores - flat daily rate of $100 (it's a bargain!)

Let's see...that all adds up to....hey! $230! Not bad work, if you can get it. Now if I only had someone to submit this invoice to...