Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Maunderings

Forgive my crankiness yesterday - I was coming down with something, is my excuse. So today? Even more cranky. I do hate being sick. Anyone else have this problem that, when you're sick, everything - as in, say, your entire life - seems horrible and hopeless? It's like looking at the world through vomit-colored glasses.

Susie's still sick, also. But mostly at night. Because we wouldn't want to get a decent night's sleep, right?

I feel fat, too. That's not helping my mood. And have I mentioned the ants? They're back.

Maybe I'll do all short paragraphs today. In honor of BlogHer. Which I am sure would be really fun if I actually went to it.

And I do like mamabird. I'm glad she can take a joke. But I still wish she had given me her plane ticket.

Except I would have been too sick to go anyway. So there.

Alas, the humor well is dry today. Nothing funny. Nothing even halfway amusing. So why am I here?

I mean, in general?

See? Being sick depresses me. Someone tell me something funny. Anything. Laughter's the best medicine. Or that's what I read in the Reader's Digest, anyway.

Why am I quoting Reader's Digest? I hate them. They never want to buy my jokes. I've been trying to get their attention ever since I was in the 6th grade and I spotted "Our ryes have seen the glory..." on a poster in a Jewish deli. I sent that in, and they never even answered me.

I coulda been a contender.

I'm gonna go listen to the Brian Regan Live CD that Suzy recommended. I bet the Reader's Digest never took any of his jokes, either.

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31 comments:

  1. Summer colds are the worst. I hope you're feeling better soon. By the way, we were up last week at 4am with an unholy mess to clean up--three loads of laundry total that day, I think? I didn't blog about it. You're all welcome.

    My sister recommends diatamaceous (sp?) earth around the outside of the house, to keep out ants. For what that's worth, just passing it on. I prefer the trained assassin, myself.

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  2. Poor SC. Sorry you're not feeling well. I hate when I don't feel well. Blast those little critters!
    We've had spiders this year. Guts ones...they will join you on the couch. Snorkie is totally freaked out.
    Prayers for your quick recovery.
    I'm not at Blog Her, either...we should have a pity party.
    Pax, E

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  3. I hope you are all feeling better soon. I'm right along with you with Blogher...wish I could be there and I'd give up time with the kid for it...not much, but a little time :-)

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  4. ugh. Hope you feel better. Maybe lay off the reader's digest for awhile...

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  5. YOu know, readers digest humor is too canned anyway. Your humor is much more real.

    I think "our RYES have seen the glory" is bonafide hilarious. Well, I would have when I was in 6th grade anyway.

    I don't know why I feel like I have to keep validating you and helping you feel better.

    I also like the short paragraph format. It is easier to read and I have been trying to do it more and more.

    We also have ants - outside that is. chipmunks, too. Trade you.

    KEEP BELIEVING

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  6. I'm sorry you aren't feeling great (I'm smiling over the rye poster though). I've been cranky lately but am not sick. What's my excuse?

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  7. What is it with the chipmunks this year? I practically stepped on one the other day.

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  8. Oh, if only I'd "known" you sooner. My brother was a writer at Readers Digest for years. Maybe I could have gotten you in. Too late now, he's freelancing.
    Anyway, is it wrong to admit I don't really know anything about BlogHer? What it is, why they have a conference, what they do, why they exist...totally clueless. Not because I haven't seen references all over the blogosphere. So I don't have to feel sad or jealous or anything. Just live in a smaller world, oblivious to everything around you and so many things will pass you by without you even knowing. Sooo much easier.

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  9. Brian Regan is the man! Let me know when you get to the part about poptarts...

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  10. Well, I don't have anything funny to offer you, but you did make me laugh with, "I coulda been a contender."

    Hysterical.

    Get well soon!

    ~Luke

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  11. You're still pretty funny when you're grumpy.

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  12. I'd tell you a joke but the only one I know is dirty. And kind of long.

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  13. At least you have an excuse, I've just been cranky for cranky's sake the last few days.

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  14. get better ok? I can't be funny on demand! geez. ok, i can't even be funny, but whatever.

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  15. They probably didn't take his jokes either. I left you some meds on my blog; I hope they make you feel better. They are below the video (which you shouldn't watch if you have a headache right now)in the previous post, about 3/4 of the way down. Get better!

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  16. So sorry you're sick and cranky. You shouldn't be expected to deal with ants at the same time.

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  17. Scr*w the People's Party at BlogHer. Let's have a People's Pity Party.

    Way more fun, and the drinks are stronger.

    Did you see that kirtsy is hosting a webcast of the People's Party. Whatevs.

    Of course, I'm totally going to watch it.

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  18. And now I see Elizabeth's comment about a pity party.

    I'm so not original.

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  19. Well at least you only feel fat-I am fat. A week at the beach will do that you know.

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  20. There are a lot of weird bugs going around.

    Well, you know...I'm just going to tell Readers Digest to SUCK IT - there, I said it for you! :)

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  21. There's nothing worse than being sick when you have kids. No matter how much you feel like curling up and crawling into a dark cave for weeks, there are those little dependents that still need their daily Cheerios ration or somebody to turn on the new episode of Little Einsteins.

    In fact, the only thing that's worse is when your hubby is stricken as well. Except, somehow, he always manages to have the cooties "worse" than you do. At least, according to him. Plus, there's all the groaning.

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  22. I think you're funnier than all get-out. I like to say "all get-out" even though I'm not really sure about its etymology. Or origins. Just in case I misspelled etymology.

    How embarrassing.

    I hope you feel better soon.

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  23. Oh, I hope you feel better! Being sick is terrible- especially when you're still expected to run the house. I gicve you permission to curl up in bed and ignore the world for a few days. (That might happen, right?)

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  24. Hope you feel better soon. Is there anything I can do?

    No, no not that. Anything except give you my airplane ticket.

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  25. Hope you feel better soon. Being sick and taking care of kids is THE WORST.

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  26. I love "Our Ryes Have Seen the Glory." It would have totally fit right into Life in These United States.

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  27. I tried to come up with something funny to say, but I'm sick too.
    I guess I'm lucky because I'm the only one in my family who is sick.
    So far.

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  28. A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

    The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

    The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

    The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

    The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

    "Of course you do," said the policeman.

    "No sir, I don't," said the man.

    "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

    "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

    "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

    "Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

    Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

    The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

    "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

    "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

    "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

    "WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

    "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

    "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don�t move, don�t even breathe."

    So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

    He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

    "I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

    "I'll be right there," said the chief.

    In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

    The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

    "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

    Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

    "Yes," said the man.

    "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

    The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

    "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

    "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

    "I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

    "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

    "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

    "Yes," said the man,

    "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

    "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

    "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

    "The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding to!"

    Did you laugh? Sorry, it's the best I could do. What do you think I am, Reader's Digest? Did I ever tell you about the one I read in that magazine, something about rye at a Jewish Deli....

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  29. Brian Regan is hilarious!

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  30. Congrats on being a Saucy Blog this week, from a fellow SITSta and Reader's Digest Submission Reject! :D It's an elite club, I tell ya!

    Hope you're feeling better by now!

    Cheers!

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