Thursday, September 19, 2013

Gone

Quick note to say I'll be back soon.  My dad passed away on Sunday, and we've been busy doing stuff - funeral, sitting shiva, eating ridiculous amounts of cake and cookies, and trying to figure out how to clean out a house that was lived in by the same person for over 50 years.

I'm grateful he isn't suffering anymore, very grateful - but it is disorienting (to say the least) that someone who has always been in my life is not there anymore.  Apparently, judging from my surprise at this situation, I have just figured out what death means.  Some of us are slow learners, you know.

And now, to bed - last night I didn't sleep well, as I was alone in my dad's house, with ALL the lights on.  I was working with the theory that a well-lit house would discourage other-worldly visits.  And then I turned half of the lights off, because I remembered my dad scolding us for leaving the house "lit up like a Christmas tree" and figured that my overuse of electricity might trigger a haunting.

But seriously, it just felt as though he would come walking around the corner any minute.  How could he not?  He had always been there.


38 comments:

  1. My condolences on the death of your father.

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  2. I am so sorry. I have similar feelings about my mom, 10 years later I still feel she's going to call me at 1 p.m.

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  3. I'm sorry about your dad. I think I know how it's possible to be sad and relieved at the same time. I bet if he WERE to visit you from --you know, beyond-- he'd say, don't be scared. I'm okay now. I love you and miss you, but I'm fine.

    Sometimes I think that's what my dad says to me.

    xoxo

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  4. I am so very sorry. Good luck with the house. That sounds like a particularly painful chore, but I hope you find some peace in it, too.

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  5. I'm sorry to hear about your father. Good luck with the house purge.

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  6. They are never fully gone they walk through life with us. In memory.
    Best of luck with cleaning.
    But big hugs for healing.

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  7. So sorry for your loss. Knew something was wrong. Cleaning out the house is very difficult. Been there, done that. What do you keep/trash/donate/sell. Can be overwhelming.

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  8. I am so very sorry. My father died last year after a lengthy illness and in some ways it still does not seem real to me.

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  9. I'm so sorry. I noticed your silence and wondered (and worried), so I'm glad you let us know. I'm thinking such loving, strong thoughts for you. xo

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  10. I'm sorry :( There are no other words.

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  11. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you healing thoughts and hugs.

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  12. I will be praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

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  13. I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about gratitude for the end of suffering and yet the accompaniment of sadness and disorientation. I am praying for you to have restful sleep, some cheer in the midst of the sorrow, and good remembrances with those around you.

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  14. I'm so sorry. G-d bless.

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  15. Sending condolences and healing thoughts to you. You didn't want him to linger in pain and struggle. My dad went quickly with a massive stroke but my mom suffered for her last two years. Dad's way was better. We are never the same after our parents die. It's been eleven years for my mom and I still think of things I want to tell her. I hope you have help in closing up his house.

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  16. I'm very sorry. You'll always have his voice in your head.

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, "knew" what death was before my father died, but really learned it then. Take care of yourself.

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  18. I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard in many ways--maybe even more so if relationships have been complicated (as most are). Good luck with the house--that is a monumental task. I was never so exhausted in my life as after my mother died, so remember to take care of yourself.

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  19. You made me laugh, and in a post about death, too. Naughty you.

    Seriously, though. You express it so well: "...it is disorienting (to say the least) that someone who has always been in my life is not there anymore."

    Hugs to you. May these sad days be a celebration, and rich with family/friend togetherness.

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  20. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  21. My heart goes out to you. Even when we know the end is coming, it is still a shock. My mom has been gone for more than 2 years and I still keep her number in my cell phone for those times when I feel like calling... I know I can't but it's good/sad to think about sometimes.
    Take your time. We'll still be here when you are ready to return.

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  22. I know I've already said this to you, but my thoughts and prayers and love are with you and your family. We are never ready, even though we think we are. We never really know what it will feel like, how it will hit us, until it does.

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  23. Sending big warm hugs and a shoulder to cry on. YOur father will always be with you, but sometimes it's hard when you can't touch them. I hope you find peace and joy in this difficult time.

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  24. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I still move to pick up the phone and tell my mom something, and she's been gone 18 years. Sending you hugs.

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  25. Oh, SC~ tears on my cheeks for you. So very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you.

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  26. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  27. So sorry to hear your sad news - have you some help to get through the huge task ahead? One step at a time and you'll get there.

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  28. You are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine being ready for this and I think you described that so truthfully. Much love.

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  29. I'm sorry to hear the news about your father. I'm hoping you have the help you need on the house, as Hubby's family went through the same thing a few years ago. Parents who saved a lot of stuff and no time to sort it all. In the end, my BIL decided that anything not claimed by a family member was going in a dumpster.

    At least my oldest was able to get the steamer trunks down from their attic that she wanted. They are still sitting on my front porch, as there is no place for them in the house. Maybe after I finish cleaning out our attic, I will have the boys haul them up stairs? One of these days she will either take them home with her or we will throw them in the van and take then to her in Seattle.

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  30. Oh, I'm so sorry about your dad. Going through the stuff afterwards is really hard.Hang in there, it gets a little better with time.

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  31. So sorry. And I know what you mean. It's an adjustment, and a horrible one. Blessings!

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  32. So sorry. It is definitely an adjustment. You will forget sometimes....and then get sad all over again. Try to focus on the good stories and memories...it helps.

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  33. I'm so sorry. Hugs and good vibes heading your way as you come to terms with all of it.

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  34. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with your family.

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  35. So sorry for your loss and sending you lots of hugs and prayers as you go through this process. It really is a process, one we are still working through after losing the Captain's mom in June. We knew it was coming, but why do we pick up the phone STILL and try to call her?!

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  36. I'm so sorry about your dad. I've been thinking of you and am just checking in after a long absence, so I apologize for how late this is. But my heart goes out to you.

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