Saturday, May 16, 2009

Edible Art

Oh, people, I have been busy here. With Larry away, the refrigerator situation quickly deteriorated to the point where extreme measures had to be taken. And they were, as evidenced by the shining picture of refrigerated perfection that you see to the right. Admire that clean crisper drawer at the bottom. Take note of the single(!) jar of opened applesauce at the top right. And don't forget to gasp at the homemade goodness of the fresh coleslaw on the bottom shelf.

How did I do it? It was simple really. I took all the other stuff out of there and piled it on my counter. In fact, I think I have some photographic evidence available somewhere...


Aha! Here it is:

I know! I have outdone myself! You are gasping in amazement at the veritable cornucopia of expired foodstuffs that I have managed to amass within the confines of a single household appliance. I will point out some quick highlights:
  1. I don't drink diet Pepsi. No one in my household drinks diet Pepsi. The presence of a can of diet Pepsi is truly a mystery.
  2. The chewable acidophilus on the left? It had an expiration date of August 2007. Yes, it was older than this blog.
  3. The bottom Gladware container is full of scallion bulbs. I meant to plant them sometime last year.
  4. I don't know when the apple juice is from. It smelled funny.
  5. We don't use the junky hydrogenated-oil sugared-up peanut butter that is pictured in the center (red lid). That is the one last healthy guideline to which I have clung, tenaciously, as all my other nutritional principles have fallen to the wayside. Candy for breakfast? Check! French fries for dinner? Certainly! But no Jif. Not yet. I'm guessing Larry picked up this piece of nutritional crap for some camping trip and it was never used. Again, at least a year ago...it expired in 2008.

But wait - there's more! We have not yet seen the special collections. We have the usual contestants such as ketchup and salsa, of course.






But this month I branched out and experimented with new artistic media. There is, for example, this piece on the right, which juxtaposes cream cheese with (pareve) margarine, thereby representing the eternal dichotomy of bagel-topping preferences. Notice the repetition of the number 3, most likely a reference to the Holy Trinity - a reference, the viewer may note, which contrasts ironically with the Jewish-American medium of the bagel. Is it a plea for religious inclusiveness? Or is it an unflattering comparison of the punitive laws of Deuteronomy with the more forgiving tenets of Christianity? Only the artist knows...





And, finally, what I have titled "The Futility Of Cake Decorating." The followers of this blog have long known the disappointments and misery endured by the author of this blog in the pursuit of an adequately adorned birthday cake. Learning to properly decorate a cake may seem like a great idea; but really, it all comes down to an overabundance of Crisco in various states of decomposition (if Crisco can indeed ever truly decompose). I like to think that this piece represents the fate of our deepest unrealized ambitions. Well, my deepest unrealized ambitions, anyway...





Now that's a good day's work!

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25 comments:

  1. My husband is a big Diet Pepsi drinker--has he been visiting your house while I was visiting your blog??

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  2. are we taking guesses as to how many weeks till we see the slaw in the fridge post again?

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  3. Ahh, a sparkling fridge is a happy fridge. You nearly had me this week... I just about grabbed the camera and a cleaning cloth and set to work on my fridge. But then I had a nap and got over it :)
    We have a random diet coke in our fridge. Wolf cleaned the fridge and put it back in there. I have no idea when it's from, diet drinks are not allowed in this house!

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  4. A betting pool for the cole slaw...not a bad idea...

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  5. I use crisco for making my FAVORITE ginger bread cookies. Let me know if you need the recipe to use some of the crisco up... but you may need ginger, molasses, sugar, flour, and eggs as well, just to name a few. So I may be causing more of a problem instead of less.

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  6. Something died in my refrigerator a couple of weeks ago. Finally, after pulling everything out, I found a piece of chicken that the Diva wrapped in plastic wrap that was disintegrating.

    I just quarantined that part of the refrigerator. Sometime, I'm going to have to actually disinfect that sucker - you've inspired me.

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  7. Oh I love when you empty your fridge! (makes me feel normal ~I too have an interesting collection of ummm crap? that needs to be thrown out)
    Thanks for the inspiration!

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  8. Oooof. I now feel compelled to go look. Feeling quite certain an expiration pre-dates my blog as well.

    Thanks for the the motivation! ;)

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  9. I can't even open my fridge today without food falling out--as usual I overestimated the amount of food needed for a party.

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  10. I think that you are obsessed with your refridgerator---just sayin.

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  11. No, Shawn, this all started because the faithful readers of this blog were obsessed with my refrigerator - they begged me to tell all.

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  12. If it weren't for the fact that you have 6 kids and I know the craft would be stupidly messy and insane - I'd suggest you find pinecones and birdseed to make birdfeeders with the peanut butter in the picture. I couldn't even get 3 kids to cooperate with each other so that a few dozen Easter eggs could get colored without incident.
    And hi Shawn, you must be new here. Welcome ;)

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  13. I am proud of you. A little grossed out, too, but in a good way. It makes me want to dig some gross stuff out of my fridge so we can be friends. It's like comparing scars or something.

    Let's discuss Crisco, shall we? Because I use it quite a bit and I did not realize it needed to be refrigerated. Mine is stacked in the pantry. Hmm.

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  14. Two weeks until we see the slaw. That's my bet.

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  15. LOL! This post is hilarious. And probably not far off when it comes to some of the actual modern "art" I've witnessed! There's nothing quite like seeing educated people talk philosophically while referencing things like severed baby doll heads and rabbit poo.

    You should submit to the MOMA!

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  16. I remember trying that pinecone feeder project once. All I remember is that it didn't end well.

    And I think Jen is right - I don't know why I'm refrigerating that Crisco.

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  17. Why is it that those little containers of Crisco get icky so much faster than the nice big pails of Crisco? [Which reminds me, I owe my husband a pie.]

    I would blame recent visiting relatives for the Pepsi. I know that's where weird sodas come from at my house.
    If you use cheap plastic knives and wax paper or newspaper for the bird feeder project, it is quite so bad. Our cub scouts did this a few months ago (3rd grade boys).
    Your fridge is gorgeous in its cleanly state. I look forward to the coleslaw update next time you do a fridge post!

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  18. We found a Pepsi One in our fridge and it too is a mystery.
    Very deep post...

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  19. I keep the crisco in the fridge for two reasons. First, it doesn't go rancid nearly as fast there. I really don't use much, so it'd go way rancid before I use even the small tub. Second, cold shortening makes much better pie crust than warm. It's something to do with the shortening not melting into the flour as fast and giving you shoe leather.

    Jeez, I'm domestic today...

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  20. I cleaned my fridge last week, for the first time in a few months? A real cleaning, take everything out and scrub it and not my teenagers idea of clean. They make a half hearted attempt to wipe off the sticky spots and call it clean. :) I even cleaned out the fridge freezer, which immediately inspired my kids to make more popsicles in large uncovered cups. Someone had to spill one all over the bottom of the freezer. You can't have a clean area anywhere? Kids must mess them up. Mom just washed the car, bird must use it for target practice. Mom just changed a very wet diaper, baby must have a very large bm. It never ends? LOL!

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  21. We always have random cans of soda or juice that absolutely no one drinks. I never can figure out how they got there!

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  22. Amazing works of art. I hope the artist lets us in on some of those secrets :) The fridge looks great, too. Wish I could say the same for mine, but I think things are starting to levitate in there again. The frosting composition was the best. And the secret to cake decorating? Use rolled fondant and then stick action figures on it! Fast and foolproof!

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  23. So does three year old acidophilus go from a pro-biotic to a terrifying primordial stew? Now before you throw it out, should you check and see if it could be a fabulous new form of colon cleanse? Just trying to help you economize and reuse in this tough economy....;o)

    Blessings!

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  24. I love this--especially the mystery diet pepsi. I've noticed that my pantry always contains canned veggies that I have no recollection of buying--I HATE canned veggies. And if I were going to buy them I certainly wouldn't be buying creamed corn (ew) or wax beans (ewwww). Is my mother-in-law stocking up while my back is turned in case we run out of food or there's a natural disaster perhaps?

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  25. I will personally attest that there are few things as terrifying as failing to decorate a cake and needing to store your failures somewhere in the house. Particularly if your kids can get access to it. The reaction usually isn't very pretty.

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