Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Raising Vandals

It's taken me a year to get around to spending 50 dollars (an exorbitant amount for us) to attractively frame and mat a poster I found at a yard sale. It took my kids approximately 3 and a half seconds to get their hands on a bouncy ball (not on my watch, I would like to point out) and bounce it right into the picture and break the glass. I was tempted to hang it that way, so it would coordinate with the slipcovers that have been shredded in strategic places by a certain 4-year-old with scissors, and with the pretty lamps I found at Target which now sport unattractively spliced cords (same 4-year-old, same scissors), and with the beautiful maple coffee table which was gouged across the top by my eldest daughter's belt buckle within 24 hours of entering our house. Martha Stewart, eat your heart out.

Did I mention that Larry just installed granite counters in our kitchen, on the assumption that they would be indestructible? I, for one, am not betting any money on that.

Larry has left me, by the way. Oh, not permanently, of course - if he had done that, I would have made him take the kids with him. Just 2 days - long enough for me to feel sorry for myself, but not so long that he can't atone for this abandonment by showering me with lovely gifts upon his return. Chocolate would be nice.


  1. Oh, man, that stinks about the poster. NO RESPECT. These kids have no respect for anything, do they? (I mean kids in general, of course, not just yours.)

    I try to get the chocolate in advance, to help cope with the absence of the other parent. That way, when the kids are riding roughshod over me, the cats, and the house, at least I can hole up in the bathroom with the chocolate.

  2. Indestructible, eh? We will see about that!

  3. Don't worry -- you're certainly not alone regarding kids and destruction. Sigh.

    What makes it worse is that my husband doesn't remember his mom allowing her three boys to destroy anything. She kept a clean house apparently all the time. Another sigh.

  4. And that's why we can't have nice things

  5. We have the same decorator... Or is it un-decorator?

  6. I just tell my visitors I'm sure I had one at some point) that my house is decorated in "early Preschool."

    I finally got cocky enough to buy new furniture this summer, since my youngest is six and I thought that was the official age of reason.

    Apparently, I was smoking crack or something because, while, the little one has only marked on the newest couch ONCE (And I swear it was an accident. I swear, Mom.), we have two cats with claws, one insane border collie mix and one geriatric dog with some...um... digestion issues.

    I'm not buying another new thing until the kids leave home and/or we kill the pets.

  7. It sounds like we sport the same "taste" in home decor. Okay, so it's not my taste in the least, but I ain't changin' it until my kids are grown (and have moved far, far away). I'm so sorry about your picture, but I have grand hopes for your granite countertop.

  8. What Rancher said!! (Mine is nail polish remover taking the finish of the damn coffee table. Dudes!)

  9. In the immortal words of "The Brady Bunch":
    "Mom always said not to play ball in the house."

  10. Yap, parallel lives. As for the granite, it's either it or the kids. So if it is truly indestructable, make sure you've got your insurance cards safely tucked in your wallet. I see a nasty head wound in your future.

    Andy knows if he ever leaves me, I.will.find.him.

  11. Nothing is indestructible with kids, nothing. Well, maybe the granite. We've had our granite countertop for 8 years, and not a scratch to be seen. My husband is away for 4 days this week, and so far we've had lost schoolbooks, a 2 hour back to school meeting, one sick cat, the neighbor twins torturing said cat, endless afternoons of "You're still not done with your homework?", two stuffy noses, one sore throat and a partridge in a pear tree (all except the partridge are true). But he did leave me his laptop and chocolate.

  12. Chocolate would have been a nice going-away present, too. I feel pretty bad for him if he returns home this evening without any.

  13. ROTFL... I love this post. I think anyone with kids can relate.

    I know our biggest 'uh oh' was the day we invested in decent furniture after being married about 5 years. We had beige leather furniture (whole set... plus coffee table) delivered around 2:pm.

    That evening at 5:30 my husband came home from work and suprised me with flowers. I was in the kitchen taking a fresh baked pie out of the oven. Our 15 month old son walked into the kitchen with ink all over his hands and face and Daddy said, "Oh, has someone been playing with a blue pen today?" LOL.

    I turned around in a split second and said "NO!"

    Sure enough - in few minutes I was in the kitchen he took the blue pen to couch cushions, the arms, the arms of the love seat, the ottoman and the cushion of the love seat.


    I let him live though... he's 15 now and laughs when I tell that story.

  14. It sounds like your house is decorated just like mine! Early American Garage Sale with a touch of "Tornado" thrown in for good measure.
    You crack me up! Very funny!