Monday, December 22, 2014

Marriage. For Reals.

So, Larry and I had a cocktail party to go to on Saturday night.  It's an annual thing at a friend's house - someone we don't get to see very often during the year, now that all our kids are older and we spend all our time driving them around.  Other people show up whom we also rarely get to see, so it is a pleasant yearly reunion of sorts.

At 6:45, Larry headed upstairs.  "Oh, yeah," I thought. "I should start getting ready, too."  When I reached the bedroom, however, I discovered that the floor in front of the master bathroom and the master closet was covered by things that Larry had apparently just pulled out from under the sink.  ALL THE THINGS.  A veritable cornucopia of Q-Tips, deodorants, razors, panty liners, and hair appliances effectively blocked my access to my dress-up clothes, my make-up, and my hair goo.  The bathroom door was closed, and I could hear banging going on.  "What happened?" I called to Larry. "Was something leaking?"

"No," he called back. "I'm just fixing the drain."

Fixing the drain...

"You mean the one that has been clogged all month?" I asked.

"Yeah, that one."

Don Draper never fancies himself a plumber
People, I had to go into the other bathroom and sit down with my head between my knees.  The man formerly known as my beloved had just spent a good 4 hours relaxing on the couch with a book - 4 hours during which the urge to fix a long-clogged drain had not once seized him. But now? Right before a party? Hey, why not?

Now, perhaps Larry thinks I am naturally beautiful and isn't aware that this face takes a bit of work if I am going to go out in public.  Or maybe he wrongly assumes that  I keep my party clothes somewhere besides the master closet.  Or maybe he is just a passive-aggressive psycho who likes to destroy the bathroom minutes before his wife needs it to get ready for a fancy party.

And yes, I do think it's that last one, actually.

I returned to my formerly functional living quarters and let loose with all the reasons that attempting to fix a clogged sink 45 minutes before a social engagement is a BAD IDEA.  Larry - apparently sensing displeasure in my tone - left the bathroom, muttering, "I was just trying to help," as if he had the right to feel aggrieved.  And then he acted huffy because I threw him out of the bedroom area altogether while I got dressed.  For better or for worse, people, but not for watching your middle-aged spouse struggle into Spanx and support hose.

[Mad Men image: Queen of Style]


  1. I share your WTF.So many times. "Whyare you doing that NOW?" instead of when I told you about it months ago?

  2. We were headed to a party on Saturday evening. When it was time to go, I walked into the kitchen, dressed and ready, while my husband got up from his computer game and rushed about saying he needed help with ornaments for his reindeer sweater (long story). Hello, man who just spent 2 hours on a stupid computer game? It's time to GO. *sigh*

  3. If he is anything like my husband, the clogged drain must have finally had an effect on him and that is why he decided to fix it then. Up to that point, he probably knew about it, but it wasn't really bothering him, but now finally it annoyed him when he was trying to do something and it must be fixed at that second. I hope the party was nice.

  4. I agree with Anonymous...if it's not bothering my husband then there is no rush to fix it; seems like this a universal problem for women everywhere.

  5. Now my hubby would point out the problem, then think it would fix itself. Either I would fix it, or if I didn't know how or chose not to, I would call a repair person. He makes carpentry type repairs, fixes bike flat tires and paints things. :P

  6. Oh my goodness! Been there! Like we are already 20 minutes late, and you want to clean out the car. I think not.

    1. Yup. Oh, and there was the party years ago where, while I was dashing around getting things ready, Larry decided to "help" by taking care of the registration stickers on our cars.

    2. I think it's sort of cute, in a "guys can be so clueless" sort of a way...

  7. Bless his heart....there are no other words.

  8. In my marriage, I'm the one who does stuff like that. What can I say? My kids INSIST that there was an incident in which I told them to get in the car, that I would be right out to drive us all somewhere, and then I took a BATH and left them waiting for me in the car.

  9. When we are expecting guests from out of town, my husband always makes sure his workshop is glistening. Because everyone knows that's how your friends judge you.

  10. Great blog. I have to say though, I think I'm a typical 'Larry'. I'm sure his impromptu do it yourself jobs have no malice attached. But on occasion, I too get a little distracted, usually at an inappropriate times. I recommend making the most of these DIY urges, if he is anything like me, they are few and far between.

    Wilfred Andrews @ LB Plumbing and Heating