Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Year's Eve

We're having a wild and crazy night here: Larry and Susie have fallen asleep on the couch, David is doing college applications, and Brian (with 2 of his friends) is having a Dr. Who marathon in the basement.  Rachel is waiting for me to play cards with her (I know! The excitement!), so - for the final night of 2014 - I will leave you with some of my favorite tweets of the year. A Happy New Year to all of you! 

My superpower is the ability to be the only one in this house who can see the trash overflowing.

If Mary was visited by the angel Gabriel today, instead of saying "what manner of salutation is this? " she'd just say, "OMG, WTF?"
The last machine I raged against had my bag of Funyons stuck on the spindle thingy.
If I were holding my baby, and I saw a spider on my arm, I'm not confident of what my instinct would be.
A tornado siren but for when my daughter rolls her eyes at my wife.
You always hear about how scary clowns are yet nobody ever mentions middle-aged women in pigtails.
"Finish your homework before you get online, Malala." "I must have misplaced it, maybe I'll check here under my NOBEL PEACE PRIZE."
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

How dare you refer to the internet as "outrage culture," you stupid talentless hack. Unbelievable.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Nothing helps you realize your parents weren't assholes for no good reason than trying to put a fitted sheet on the top bunk.
The closest we've ever come to time travel is saying, "Hang on I'm just gonna check one thing on the internet," and then it's 5 hours later.
So we’re all just going to keep pretending Putin isn’t Dobby’s long lost brother? Ok cool.
Tennille to Captain: "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Captain now."
Teenage daughters: because God hates parents.

[Twitter image: Edudemic
[Happy Twitter: The Telegraph]
[Hat Twitter: seoclerks]


  1. Time travel, Dobby, and the angel Gabriel were all big winners when I read them the first time and they haven't lost their magic. What would I do without your twitter feed over on the side?
    Happy New Year, from a much more boring household I've just swallowed a book whole on my kindle, dh is playing his computer game and/or working on his next sermon, EB is reading a book online, and the two teens abandoned us to hang out with friends.

  2. I love these. The only contact I have with The Twitter is that window to the right on your blog, and your window has the best of the best. I love the one about "Every time God closes a door."

  3. Ha Ha! Those are some good tweets. My feed is so boring. I need to start following some of your people.

  4. Oooh...thanks for the chuckle. The spider one was priceless. Good stuff here!