Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Health Care Reform's Hidden Chocolate Agenda

Well! Anyone seen this? For those of you who refuse to click, that link leads to a BBC article headlined "Calls To Downsize Chocolate Bars."

What?! Slow down, people! Let's not do anything we might regret later, okay? I mean, I'm all for good health and everything; but from reading this article you'd think chocolate were merely a candy.

Candy? I think not. Chocolate is medicinal. So why are those Europeans trying to lower the dose? And doesn't Obama realize that his infernal plan for health reform may put those of us here in America on this same slippery slope to chocolate restriction? I predict that, if health reform passes, you won't be able to get any chocolate without a prescription. And even that chocolate will be a generic. Tell me, is that progress?

And don't try to change the subject with all that talk about universal coverage and pre-existing conditions and affordability. That's all a smokescreen for what is really going on here - an attempt to socialize our chocolate consumption. Oh, sure, at first it will be all about making sure that everyone can see a doctor, regardless of income level or physical condition; and maybe Obama will even be radical enough to insist that everyone have decent dental care. (I know! I know! He's a madman!) But before you know it, those socialist government nannies will be telling your children to rat you out for that 1-pound Hershey bar (with almonds) in your cabinet. Give these people an inch, and they'll take a mile. Preposterous, you say? Well, it's happening right now in Europe. They're trying to limit the chocolate intake.

They came for all the European chocolate-eaters, and I did nothing...because I wasn't a European....They came for all the Canadian chocolate-eaters, and I did nothing...because I wasn't a Canadian...My fellow Americans, will you remain silent? We're next! A government big enough to give you affordable health care is big enough to take away your chocolate.

Call your Senators and Representative today and say, "We're on to you, you Socialist snakes-in-the-grass! Forget about assuring everyone in America affordable health care, because equal opportunity is not what America is all about. America is all about choice, and I choose to not have my chocolate rationed." And when they ask you to explain, just laugh maniacally and say, "Oh, like you don't know what I'm talking about! Why don't you just ask your comrades in Europe about their Mars bars, eh?" and hang up. I guarantee you will make quite an impression.

Phone the White House, too, while you're at it. They love those sort of calls.



[Man eating giant chocolate bar photo courtesy of scrapetv.com]

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23 comments:

  1. do what you want to me... but DONT TOUCH MY CHOCOLATE!!!

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  2. Oh no! That means I'm going to have to stow away my chocolate in my fake bookshelf safe... s!@# now you know about the safe too!

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  3. Chocolate has already been downsized!!! How small a portion do they want to sell?? Chocolate definitely prevents cancer!!! Better than an apple a day.

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  4. But what if they are simply making the candy bars smaller so that there is enough chocolate for the poor children and the elderly, that might not otherwise be able to afford ANY CHOCOLATE AT ALL??????

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  5. Mary Alice, it's bleeding-heart enablers like you that threaten our chocolate supply - the best chocolate supply in the world! If you give away the chocolate to the weakest members of our society, then they will have no incentive to work for it. So you just tell Grandma to stop being lazy and earn her own chocolate, all right? Besides, we already give the old people some chocolate and they just insist on the most expensive kind.

    At least, that's what I've read...

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  6. I love your Blog and SO agree with your opinions. FINALLY, a Blogger not afraid of offending the BO crowd. Bravo, you!

    And, thanks too!

    Janet

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  7. If they restrict my chocolate bars I might be able to fit into my non maternity clothes...that have been packed away for three and a half years now. Then again, they're probably no longer fashionable, so I'll throw my vote in with yours. They can't take away my hidden stash of goodies unless they promise to hand out valium in place of Godiva. There are days that a truffle is all that may be standing between me and a padded room.

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  8. This will go down as one of your best posts yet!!!!! Thank you for the laugh!

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  9. This is madness. Thank you for being willing to stand up to the chocolate-rationers of the world! We're all right behind you, munching on our chocolate.

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  10. I thought Hershey's was the generic brand? I guess they'll have to start manufacturing it in China. Everyone will be forced to eat it and made to take heavy-metal blood tests twice a year.

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  11. I'm gonna have to have some chocolate to recover from the shock of such heresy. Dont mess with my medication, people.

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  12. From a purely capitalistic standpoint, I think what I'm hearing is that I need to start stockpiling now so I can make a killing on the black market. That is the American way, is it not?

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  13. Now don't you wish you had voted for McCain?!
    LOL!!!

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  14. In the grocery store this morning, I left behind a pint of "New Limited Edition Dark Chocolate Haagen-Dazs" ice cream. Swear to God. I left it there. It's all I can think about today. I think I need to call my sponsor. First, I need to get a sponsor. Also, I just noticed that the background of your blog is chocolate. Pardon me, while I lick my screen.

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  15. Okay. Now I feel panicked

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  16. okay I have to know what the BO crowd is.
    Is it in Massachusetts? Cause that's where I am stranded, in a sea of people with no common sense.

    As a physician, I prescribe chocolate to all my patients who want it. And I am only sometimes tempted to keep some for myself

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  17. They've done it here! Don't let it happen to you! I see the truth now, Mars put full page ads in the paper claiming full responsibility but now I see it... Slight of hand by the Government is all it boils down to. We are being robbed of our chocolate! They have forced Cadbury into it too but they think no one has noticed... you can't hide behind a new fancy pack Cadbury... I saw that 50grams of chocolate you pinched from each block and I'm NOT HAPPY! That 50g was the bit I saved so I didn't feel like a pig eating the whole block in one sitting... I'll be sending you the bill for my therapy Mr Rudd!

    SC- Thank you for opening my eyes to this... I shall not rest until the chocolate equilibrium has been restored and large dose bars are available for ALL!

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  18. Don't touch my chocolate, or heads will roll! No one touches my chocolate, thats why I keep it locked in my desk at work. :)

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  19. That does it. I'm stocking up tomorrow.

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  20. Yesterday was awful. My son had to be dragged from the mall (Gymboree day camp) and then my daughter figured out how to undo her stroller straps and fell head first onto the asphalt. So, we were then late to pick the other kids up from their day camp. I was having a hard time taming the panic until I spotted a peanut butter cup package unopened in my door. I opened the package ignoring the fact that it had been in the hot car while we were at the mall and ate the chocolate the only way I could. My oldest said, "wow, watching your mom lick a peanut butter cup wrapper is pretty awkward." It was as the calm was restored and I started to laugh that I realized just how passionate I could become on this chocolate issue.

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  21. Oh, no, they can't possibly be socialists then, they must be commies! You got that? Commies!:)
    Plus, they can't get away with this- we are Americans and so we have a right to the best preventive healthcare there is out there, which includes keeping the most essential food groups like chocolate and whole grains in our diets. Remember, chocolate is a powerful antioxidant. But don't worry,
    they will never get all our chocolate. Don't they know all us Mormon Mommy Bloggers already have at least a year's supply in storage? They will never ever hunt all our chocolate down! I say get all the Mommy Bloggers in the land to make a rush on chocolate now. Let's show them who's boss!

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  22. Chocolate processed without alkali has more flavinoids than red wine. It's not being rationed, it's just being held up while the FDA establishes maximum-effectiveness doses.

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  23. Wow! It would seem YOU beat me to it. I had not read this until you liked today. And we both used the word "preposterous" in the same way. Very weird. Same wavelength. :)

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