Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

That's right, you didn't hear from me last night. I had to go to bed early, as my husband apparently thinks I need to be up at the crack of dawn. There's nothing like a dentist appointment to make me wish I weren't a grown-up. I don't want to be mature and take myself to the dentist. I want to be dragged kicking and screaming to the car, and I definitely need a balloon afterwards. And a sticker.

Is that weird?

I made up for my unhappiness this morning by being grouchy towards Larry. I'll give him credit - he didn't take the bait. And he actually heated up the car for me, which was nice. So I forgive him. But I did schedule the next appointment myself.

I needed x-rays today, which I hate, because I have the smallest mouth for an adult (something Larry finds hard to believe); and those squares they stick in your mouth for the x-ray are always too big. The dental hygienist (I guess just for emphasis) (or maybe she didn't like my looks) went into a back room where they apparently store tools left over from medieval torture chambers and came back with some sort of huge device to hold the already too big squares in place; then she shoved it all into my tiny little mouth, probably because she likes to watch people bleed.

So I cried. I have no shame. And she went out and came back in with a small teeny-tiny thing that did the job just fine. What's up with that? Why didn't she use the little thing in the first place?

Don't you love all these technical dentisty terms I'm using? I couldn't ask for the proper names of all the equipment, because there was stuff in my mouth. And this hygienist was definitely nicer than the one I had a couple of cleanings back, who was insisting that my teeth were all going to fall out of my mouth within a week because of premature gum disease. That woman was really fun. She kept going on and on about the importance of flossing, even though I had already told her that I floss every single day (honestly). I almost jumped out of the chair to grab her by her stupid smock and scream, "You callin' me a liar, you Listerine-soused dental tramp?!" Because really, I don't like that.

And, yes, I do feel silly complaining about a dental cleaning appointment, particularly when some people have way bigger problems....


  1. I think it may be time to try a different dentist. Mine is H-O-T so I don't mind going so much. That should be your new goal: find a hot dentist and the eye candy will be enough to squelch any dental anxiety.

  2. LOL! Soooo true. Hilarious stuff.

  3. I hope your kids didn't inherit your freakishly small mouth (as mine did mine). In our family, small mouth + big ol' chiclet teeth = major money on orthodontia.

    I use the money I have left over from my own periodontal surgeries. Yes, I'm crying as I type this.

  4. I can empathize with you! I hate the dentist too. I even blogged about it once.

  5. There's something about the dentist that really depresses me - it's such a necessary evil I just feel like a drone whenever I go - I HATE it!

  6. "something Larry finds hard to believe"


  7. I've got to take No 2 to the dentist on Friday - a mouthful of problems - all because I let her catch chicken pox as a tot (maternal guilt).

    At the hospital, when asked, she will answer "No,no everything's fine REALLY".
    We'll trot out of the hospital, and she will wail, oh my teeth really HURT.

    Teeth are pieces of ivory from hell.

  8. Listerine-soused dental tramp?


    I once went to a hygenist that could have been described as a "Gum shredding, blood letting, bad breathed listerine-soused dental tramp".

    She worked for DR. "There's really nothing wrong with your teeth but I'm going to tell you all of your fillings are bad and replace them so I can make the next payment on my Ferrari"

    Who's dental assistant was known as Miss "I'm so busy watching the soap opera in the television in the ceiling that I can't notice that I'm shoving that spit sucking thingie so far down your throat that I've completely cut off your airway, and you're turning blue due to the lack of oxygen"

    We have since changed dentists, and I have a very nice hygenist that hardly ever causes me pain.
    We are however, dealing with our own dental crisis right now.

    Do you think It's a bad sign if the Orthodontist gets your son's x-rays and immediately calls you to make an appointment?

  9. You just plain crack me up! I'm not laughing at you, just your wonderful wit. Honest.

  10. I actually like getting my teeth cleaned. I know, I'm a freak.

  11. i absolutely, 100 percent HATE the dentist. and the x-ray thing. i had to have a cavity filled a couple of weeks ago. i got the happy gas. i asked if i could stay all day.

  12. I think you should also get a sucker.

  13. My husband and I are convinced there is a dental conspiracy. Once I was told I had 2 cavities. One hurt, so I wasn't surprised, but the other one - they barely even poked at it. I asked them to show me again and I could feel them poke a different place. I opted not to have that one filled. 6 months later at the check up, they didnt read my chart closely and I didn't have that cavity anymore. As far as I know teeth cavities don't fill themselves with more healthy teeth. LIARS! Plus we think they do too many X-rays. So, we are only going to do X-rays once every 2 years unless we are having a problem now. Our insurance doesn't cover the x-rays totally anyway. I mean, if you have sore bones you have to practically BEG for an orthopedic x-ray, but the dentist wants to x-ray every time they see you. IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!
    I am not a paranoid person, by the way.

  14. mrs. g. - Dentists' offices don't hand out candy anymore, though I'm sure that practice certainly couldn't have been bad for business.

    jill - No, it's just a sign that he bought a vacation house in an over-extended market and he needs some cash to forestall a foreclosure.

    domestically challenged - Chicken pox? Equals bad teeth? What?!

    jenn - so far we have been incredibly lucky - no orthodontia - I know, that can't continue forever...

  15. I went to the dentist yesterday. My husband tricked me into it.

  16. Those things ARE big; and they gag me every time. And then the lady looks at you like YOU'RE the one not cooperating. You know what else is really fun to do in the morning though? Get up at 5:30 so you can shower and put on "nice" clothes to meet your kid's teacher at 7 a.m., and be stood up. STOOD UP. I coulda been sleeping, I coulda been exercising... but no, standing in an empty school hallway for 25 minutes....

    OK. Nah, yours is still worse.

  17. Oh what fun times... the dentist.

    I don't like going, however I do love when they do the actual cleaning part.

    I too have a extremely small mouth plus I have a very sensitive gag reflex, which means I practically throw up every time they shove those x-ray squares way back in my mouth. I just warn them way up front (small mouth + gag reflex = I throw up on you) so they always use smaller ones on me.

    then the hygienists are nice at my dentist... however one is a larger size girl and so when she cleans my mouth my head keeps getting pounded by her boobs, but how do you say "UM, your boobs are on my head" with her hands, equipment and/or that spit sucking thingie in your mouth (I do have to say my husband loves having her - what guy would complain when boobs are touching them)

  18. I'm the other freak who loves going to the dentist.

    But I didn't have your hygienist, the Listerine-soused dental tramp. I hear she's terrible. :-)

  19. The dentist is the WORST. I just hate it. I never floss. Every night, I mean to but then I just feel too tired. I promise myself.. the next night for sure...

    And I always skip the x-rays because i have very good teeth but they always make me feel like I'm going to suffer GREAT consequences.

    I think they all go to guilt school or something.

  20. I swear, the cleaning prior to my last one. She had to use some kind of machinery to ram that floss into my gums. WHY, because she thought I didnt floss, so what be mean? then the last time I went, from the time I parked my car until I signed in, paid my copay, got cleaned, was back out in my car was 22 minutes. Like I think she did a good job? NOT, how can you do all that, even get flossed, read one page of my book, get called back, walk back, get seated, check my chart and all that other stuff in 22 minutes? I hate them! IF I have to go, I want it done right and softly. we are paying for it right! (in more ways than one) Take care, love your blog

  21. My condolences for the dental agony. It stinks! I'll toast to your healthy gums and well-flossed teeth!

  22. LOL!

    Plus the dentist's office smells horrid.

    Once, when I was in the chair, back when I practiced law, the dentist started telling me about his divorce and asked my opinion. I sweetly said (sweetly is how I remember it), "You know, with all due respect, I'm not sure that you should be charging me while I'm giving you free advice with a mouth full of cotton."


  23. Chicken pox from 0 - 6 months can cause enamel malformation in the child's forming adult teeth - "Hyper-plasic enamel" - great isn't it?

    Wish I had known about that way back then!

    I'm with Angie and Jill...being a dentist is a license to print money!

  24. Sorry about your little mouth. It would be quite unbelievable but for the fact that I have been told the same thing. My dentist keeps asking me to open wider when I am stretching skin as it is - like an episiotomy or something.

  25. not many people like the dentist chair - i hear you completely - loud and clear!

    and why do they always feel the need to LECTURE YOU!!! ??? grrrrr....maybe if they were a little nicer, we wouldn't mind the torture so much!

  26. Oh the dental exam is a horrid thing. I've tried to spin it though, by thinking of it as a sort of spa treatement. I'm reclined in a comfy chair and no one can bother me and I will speak to no one, shut my eyes, and perhaps even nod off for A WHOLE HALF HOUR. I just hope you didn't have any cavities.

  27. I worked as a dental assistant for 6 years and people would come in and say to you, "I really hate coming here." Everyday we would get that!! One guy said, "I really hate this chair!" I was greatful he hated the chair and not us.
    I loved working there though. It was fun. And people really do hate going to the dentist. I am sick I truely love a good cleaning!! If you go for cleanings then you won't have bigger problems. Well, sometimes that is true!!

  28. I just wrote a post today on my first dental cleaning in 7 years! 7 years yep you read that right. Your visit sounds kinda like the one I had 7 years ago!