There comes a time for all of us when we realize that we have reached a personal point of no return. For me, that time was today.
Setting: the paper goods aisle in the commissary
Characters: one middle-aged housewife, formerly known as fetching and flirtatious, and one nicely built middle-aged guy with a great haircut
The scene opens with the housewife kneeling in her hip jeans (not mom jeans!) and trendy clogs and lace-trimmed T-shirt by the toilet paper display, brow furrowed, trying to figure out the best buy. Irresistible!
Guy: Hey, this brand here (gesticulating at package in his hand) is only 5 dollars for 12!
HW: Yes, but what's the square footage?
HW: (grabbing package) See? Right here? Only 320 sheets per roll! I bought the cheaper kind once, and I was changing the toilet paper roll twice a day!
Guy: Oh, wow - I never thought of that. (Switches brands) (Walks out of HW's life forever)
I think Larry can rest assured that I will never be swept off my feet by some good-looking would-be home wrecker - I'll be too busy showing off my math skills and divulging my personal potty habits to ever attract any unwonted attention.