Saturday, May 10, 2008

Friends Don't Let Friends E-Mail Drunk

A friend of mine had the privilege of receiving this e-mail this evening from me, because it was that kind of day:

I'm sorry, first I meant to e-mail you and then to call you, and here it is almost 9 and I feel too stupid to talk to anyone because I fell asleep with the one who really isn't a baby anymore but we're gonna keep calling her that until she is 30, and I just woke up and my brain is fried but it is too early to go back to bed. Now Larry is trying to talk to me about something intelligent and I swear I'm going to lose it, because I know it's something complicated and I don't want to think about anything complicated right now.

Where was I? Oh, yes, sorry. My whole life is like that first paragraph right now and I have no idea why, as we don't even have a baby anymore and I'm not pregnant; but Lord knows, I am drowning in a sea of crap and no one listens to me anymore and what is the point anyway?

I keep getting off track, don't I?

So, getting together next Saturday! Is it too late? I guess I hesitated to commit because your plans would cost us real money and what if someone threw up the night before and I had to stay home and wash 16,000 sets of bed linens, because that is what I always have to do whenever anyone throws up around here, which is way too often, and do you even remember throwing up more than once or twice in your entire childhood? I don't. So why is it like a flippin' hobby with my kids, huh?

Now Larry is mad at me because I just said that I don't
care what he is talking about and I don't want to build our long-awaited summer vacation around his niece's wedding in Portland, Maine, which she had the gall to schedule on Labor Day weekend, because doesn't that make it really easy to travel up and down the East Coast? Us and every single other human being who owns a car east of the Mississippi?

So, I was going to say I'll just skip the whole thing, but the more I type, the more I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and screw the fact that Larry needs to spend that Saturday making our backyard into even more of a pit than it actually is, when I know he won't even
bother moving the woodpile away from the side of the house, even though it is filled with ants (and termites, too, probably), which are infiltrating our house in record numbers...

Anyway, is this invite still open? If not, I certainly understand. Or maybe we can just meet at
IKEA instead, where I need to pick up sheets, because, even though we have a zillion pieces of bed linens, no one ever has both a top sheet and a bottom sheet at the same time to make their beds with. I know other places sell sheets, but IKEA has the cheapest ones, and it's a good excuse to go buy some more frozen meatballs, since that is absolutely the only thing I cook that makes them all happy (except the vegetarian of course). Frozen meatballs, heated up in the oven and covered with sauce from a can, are apparently the nectar and ambrosia of the gods...I don't know why I ever even try to cook anything else.

So, IKEA, Saturday, you and me...right? Don't bring your kids, or I'll pretend not to know you. Thanks.

Ever have a day like that?


  1. Yes. Absolutely! What did your friend email back?


  2. I dont drink and still have days like that.

  3. That would be today. And yesterday. And all of last year for that matter.

  4. Hehehe no, not recently.....
    That is prety funny though, I like getting crazy drunk emails from friends. It keeps things fun.

  5. I think we really need to meet and commiserate together - hang on a sec there's a cow mooing at my front door, no joke - not as easy to scare away as you'd think because you don't want to frighten them too much in case they get overly scared and leave a smelly deposit on the front doorstep (which I would rather clean up than vomit any day mind you.) Anyway, tell Larry you need a vacation down under and we can have a good old mag about kids and husbands.

  6. I wish I got drunk emails from friends!

    This was hilarious.

  7. Don't forget, IKEA has those $1 frozen yogurt cones.

    That makes the trip completely worth it.

  8. It's good to have a day like that just before Mother's Day, don't you think? Because then you are ready for the day where they make you meals and you have to clean it up, and once they wish you a happy mother's day and give you a kiss, then it's back to the normal routine, and then they wonder why you are so cranky on Mother's Day.

    Good, good, you're just getting through your warm up!

  9. hee hee Please blog drunk.

  10. Yeah, I definitely know that feeling. And those meatballs - yum.

    ps - your physics links will be on their way soon. Apparently four years is an internet lifetime and many of my favorites are missing.

  11. I think you probably have a very nice friend.

  12. AnonymousMay 11, 2008

    Uh just EVERY day. (almost)

  13. Is it bad if I could write an email like that every day? And that I have to remind myself that I honestly like the people I live with?

    It's funny because it's true :)

  14. So, did you go to IKEA?

    I am the same with sheets. There are never enough.

    Very funny post! You are hilarious.

  15. hello! that is every day at my house. actually, the last three weeks double it. what is going on? when does this slow down?

  16. And your friend said??


  17. Honey, I've had weeks and months and years like that. Happy Mother's Day. I hope they were really good to you today.

  18. You better believe it sister. Once I pour a drink, I shut down the computer. I never want to drink and blog-it could get way ugly.

  19. AnonymousMay 11, 2008

    You can drunk email me anytime.

    And Happy Mother's Day!

  20. I'm about 1/2-way through a cosmopolitan and think what you wrote makes perfect sense. It's sad how quickly alcohol affects me these days.

    Hope you had fun at Ikea. I could live in there.

  21. Happy (quiet) mothers day to you!

  22. "I swear I'm going to lose it, because I know it's something complicated and I don't want to think about anything complicated right now." This is me each and every day of my life!!!

    I think you should blog drunk occasionally :-)

  23. There was no such thing as email the last time I was drunk; it was back when computers filled an entire room and required mukluks to enter The Great Programming Chamber.

    I can identify with great steaming chunks of this post. And speaking of great steaming chunks, there will be *vomit* on my own post, tomorrow.

    I am such a tease.

  24. I gotta say, I too have kinda wondered why your kids puke so much.

  25. ooooh....IKEA!
    Have fun AND leave kids at home.
    BTW: the baby is Always the baby...
    My 91 year old Great Aunt Mary, youngest of Twelve, is STILL annoyed that her mother never introduced her by name...she'd go through the other 11 and the say "and this is my baby". Some emotional scars last a lifetime...
    Happy Mother's Day (belated)
    Pax Christi, EJT

  26. O.....M.....G

    I just totally laughed my A$$ off!

  27. Please tell me she is meeting you without her children or I am coming to meet you without mine. OMG. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time because it rings soooo true.

    Oh, and the meatballs...heaven. We had them last night with that little sauce packet that IKEA sells for $1.49.

  28. Ha ha ha - that is priceless.

  29. Ever had a day not like that?