Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Good Morning, Sunshine

Whew! I went missing. I didn't run away from home with my gambling winnings, in case that is what you were thinking...but I did fall asleep early, directly after informing Anna that she wasn't going to her ensemble rehearsal in the evening as planned. Because, if she's gonna make me feel like crap all day, I'm gonna make her life miserable.

Then I went to bed and slept the sleep of the just.

It amazes me how teen daughters think that they can out-b*tch their mothers. Don't they realize that we've had way more practice than they have at acting that way?

For those of you with only cute, younger children - I apologize. 5 years ago, I would have been as shocked to read this as you are feeling right now. Obviously, I have done something wrong with raising my offspring.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! That was a joke! For mothers of teen daughters to share! We've done nothing wrong - it is merely a case of demonic possession amongst our young. Why don't you 20-somethings go off and make some more playdough for your darling tots, all right? You can leave us old witches here to discuss how to torture the ungrateful teens that we cherished and nurtured all through their early years, just like you are doing with your small children now.

I don't know what's wrong with me this morning. Maybe 10 and a half hours of sleep isn't good for my psyche. It felt good, though. That is, until I staggered downstairs to find the dishwasher unrun, and the kitchen smelly, and the "left over" dishes scattered, willy-nilly, here and there. (My kids, as I have mentioned before, are union workers; they only wash the dishes that are in the sink - any left on the counter, no matter how dirty, are outside the terms of their contract)

Did you click on that link? Why not? Trying to rush off to some other blog? Don't be rude, click on it! It's funny, dammit.

Anyone want to go upstairs and wake Anna? The younger kids won't do it for me anymore. Even little Susie says it's "scary." I could save myself the trouble of dealing with her and let her sleep in, but she might like that. So forget it.

I have a dentist appointment today. Did I mention that? It's at one o'clock. Because I was smart this time and didn't let Larry make the appointment for me. If I had let Larry make the appointment, I would be there already.

Which may not have been such a bad idea, actually - because then he would have been stuck with the job of waking Anna...


  1. Blahhaahaaaaa....I got it. I got the joke. It was funny too...even if all those youthful mama's are staring at us with that "my child will never, because I have been reading and I know how to raise my child right" look.

    It is scary....I recommend using a very long stick to nudge them awake.

  2. AnonymousMay 14, 2008

    Add me to your list of old witches who are in the trenches with you right this moment.

    Teenage girls can SUCK SUCK SUCK! Even my 18 year old son (6'3" and 200 pounds) won't go up against Banshee Girl on a bad day. She can remind me of the queen alien from the "Aliens" movies. HISSSSS! Snap, snap! snap! Yikes! Run for your life!

  3. And it is at times like these that I wonder if having only boys perhaps isn't all that bad...


  4. I think I need to find more moms of teens out there. Reading you makes me realize that my daughter is not the only possessed one out there determined to eat me alive. Most days she's good, but there are other day...

    Of course she just turned 13 this spring.

  5. AnonymousMay 14, 2008

    Moments like these you need a dog to go in and wake the beast. I mean, girl. Honey, my boys are young but I have 11+ years of teaching high school under my belt and you are right RIGHT! The teenage girl when sullen (usually unprovoked) and bitchy and mean, is a beast best sent to military camp in another country.

    My sympathies!
    You are so funny.

  6. AnonymousMay 14, 2008

    Ha! Maybe your dentist can give you some ancillary drugs to take the edge off the teen-dom you are dealing with today.

    And yes, my kids are still young and adorable. But they are already back-talky little buggers. Kids grow up WAAAAY too fast nowadays, especially when it comes to the sassification.

  7. My computer rebooted in mid-sentence...

    Like I was saying, I think I will have to take up fishing (don't like it) soon, because for approximately the next fifteen years, it will be touch-and-go with my young ladies (10,8,5). Although the ten year old hasn't reach the ultimate in bitching, yet. She has been prcticing a lot as of late.

    My younger kids think that they are in trouble when I ask them to wake up the two eldest. They boycott doing it, unless there is something in it for them - like return torture, I imagine. :)

  8. That's it, my mind's made up. When my daughter hits puberty I'm shipping her off to your house.

  9. Love the Union worker thing - now I know what's wrong with my kids! The odd thing is, my kids (9 and 7) fight over *wanting* to pick up the dog's poop as opposed to emptying the dishwasher....they're must be something inherently evil about dishes that we just don't notice when food is on them!

    As for the teenagers - even though my oldest is 9, I so totally get it. I firmly believe that the last source of real fun is messing with your kids. And I don't mean the happy, constructive wrestling on the ground or playing board games kind of messing.

    Crap - if I'm not nurturing *now* does this mean my teenagers and really, *really* going to be heinous?

  10. I would tell my son once to get up. Then the 2nd time, I would take his blanket off and pour a pitcher of water on him. He would then have to change his sheet and he would get out of bed because who is going to stay in a wet bed. And it only happend twice, after that I would tell him if he didnt get up, he was going to get water poured on him,he got up.

  11. So they're part of a union! Thank you for clearing that up for me. I've always wondered why they can't see the dirty dishes on the counter, now I know, it's just not in their contract.
    You're scaring me with all this talk of teenage girls. My only daughter is ten and already quite moody. Frequently, DH will look at her and say "If she's this moody now, what will she be like as a teenager?"

    I don't even want to think about it.

  12. AnonymousMay 14, 2008

    Boys aren't much better.....they're just slower. ;-)

  13. I clicked.

    Yep, those teenage daughters can wear you down.

  14. my oldest (10, boy) is already given us pained looks of horror. i just laugh at him and say "wait five years, then you'll really be embarrassed!"

  15. Big sigh. I have four girls. Also, I clicked. My kids are in the union too.

  16. Right now the only one who talks back on a regular basis is the 7-year-old boy. Of course, my daughter's only 2 . . .
    But, remember? How my mom told you at the Webs thing that it gets better? Am I giving you any hope at all??

  17. My Brother used to nap between track practice and dinner. NO ONE wanted to waken him because he would swing at you and usually connect in the stomach...this lasted until my sister and I convinced my MOTHER to waken him. No.More.Naps.
    My kids get paid, so they are less troublesome. Lately we have begun docking their allowance if the Mandatory UNPAID work is not done.
    It helps. Some days they do work harder than me! I still wash the dishes though (that don't go in the dishwasher. Neither of the girls can handle hot enough water yet.
    Blessings and prayers, EJT

  18. AnonymousMay 14, 2008

    How about vacuuming right outside her door? That works for me sometimes.

  19. Don't get too carried away with that $15-though Target is having a sale on purses.

  20. I think you're a great mom. My parents were tough on me but I came out fine (debatable to a lot of people) so bitch on back girl!

  21. AnonymousMay 14, 2008

    Oh yes, waking the sleeping teen girl? Not something I'd want to do in a million years! I make Mr. C do it- but he just sits in the living room and calls her cell phone until she answers and then tells her to get up. Coward. :)

  22. May I suggest buying an air horn, then opening the door to her room, but don't cross the threshold, and let it blast. If that doesn't wake her up I am at a loss. Good Luck!

  23. 10 1/2 hours of sleep?

    That is a good use of time.

    Good luck at the dentist.

  24. The teen trait (exhibited by my 17 year old son)that is killing me this week is entitlement. "I know you explained that money would be very tight through the end of May, but did you honestly think that would stop me from hounding you constantly?"

    Have I mentioned that my oldest daughter is 12 and that I have 4 more right after her? The next 15 years are going to be sweeeeeeet.

  25. My oldest daughter is 8 and I have made it perfectly clear that I'm moving out when she turns 10. I'm not messing around with double digits, teens? No way.

  26. As a former teenage daughter who gave her mother hell, I say, do what you gotta do.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. That Sue seriously overestimated my ability . . .

  27. I am deeply, deeply shocked! Out bitching one's daughter? Truly, an honorable feat. And don't be sending us playdoh making mamas off - especially when we happen to be DOUBLE the 20 somethings.

    And I did like that link. Very funny team work. Kind of.

  28. AnonymousMay 15, 2008

    I'm just at the precipice of the teenager club - oh god it fills me with dread - at 12 she behaves like an crochety old maid one minute, a catwalk model the next followed shortly afterwards by wailing in the style of an 18mth old......

  29. I SOOOOO was one of those judgmental moms. Hah! I've seen the light. I don't even look shocked when I see a mother "abusing" her child in the grocery store. I know that the child has done a zillion frustrating things prior to the store visit and is getting his just rewards.

    My husband is GREAT at getting the kids out of bed. He just starts singing "Raindrops keep falling on my head . . ." and they are all jumping up. He doesn't even have to really hold water in his hand anymore. Amazing! And HE isn't afraid of HER. He is truly my hero.

  30. AnonymousMay 16, 2008

    This might help. When my son (16) won’t get up I threaten to get in bed with him. As I move towards him I say, “Move over, why should I get up if you don’t?” You should see how fast he gets up, works everytime.
    Now with a girl it might work with her father or maybe a younger or older brother. Especially one who, say, has just eaten and isn't too clean. Someone who can move fast if she decides to throw things, or give chase. Anyway, she is awake and probably too upset to go back to sleep. Good Luck. Susie

  31. AnonymousMay 25, 2008

    Having raised five daughters, I can hardly wait until my granddaughters are teenagers! My wisdom has already gone up a few notches in my daughters' eyes now that they have children of their own. They may be bowing at my feet in a few more years! Somehow we have all survived and can actually carry on mutually respectful conversations now.