Oh, Lord, that still cracks me up. Gets me every single time...
I mean, if only, right? If only we could rest assured that by doing everything "right" (whatever that means) when raising our children, we would be rewarded with responsible, loving, hard-working teens and adults. But, um, no. Doesn't work that way. I've seen kids raised on TV and junk food and general neglect turn into the most wonderful people, and I've witnessed children nurtured and read to and lovingly disciplined develop into the most nightmarish teens you would wish to see.
There are no guarantees, folks! Parenting is a crap shoot! Isn't that great? So let me supply some of you unsuspecting innocents with a little guidance, gleaned painfully from personal experience. You're welcome.
How To Know Your Formerly-Precious Daughter Has Been Possessed By The Devil
(A Guide For The Perplexed)
- She thinks it's okay to sleep on a bare mattress rather than exert herself to put her sheets on the bed.
- You give her a gift card to Target for Christmas, and she lets you know (in a particularly non-endearing fashion) that it isn't for nearly enough money [and you bet I took it back].
- She expresses anger toward pants hangers. She hates them! Because you suggested she use some in her closet to save space.
- Being required to eat a quarter cup of oatmeal in the morning becomes an intolerable affront to her free will, equivalent to a violation of the Geneva Conventions
- The confusion and discomfort in her facial expression, when spoken to by a parental unit, would be more appropriate for an encounter with an (unshowered) crazy homeless person on a city street. Who is this woman? her expression clearly indicates. Why is she babbling? Do I know her?
- Teachers and other parents praise her comportment and behavior, as her satanic possession is only in effect around the people who have loved and cared for her her entire life. (Bothers me much? You bet!) Please do not comment that that is because she feels "safe" around us. Is it okay for a man to be verbally abusive to his wife because he feels "safe" around her? That was a rhetorical question. The answer is no. Go peddle your pop psychology elsewhere. Thanks. [Lord, I'm touchy tonight. Must be because of the hanger incident (see #3)].
- Do not attempt to reason with victim. The possession disables most cognitive processes.
- When accused of Nazi-like behavior, salute and yell, "Heil, Hitler!"
- Be aware that any semblance of pre-possession behavior heralds a request for cash or favors.
- When others compliment your daughter's behavior, refrain from emitting the hysterical laughter that wells up from within. No one understands. No one.
- If possession is prolonged (lasting longer than 2 years), boarding school, while expensive, might be a reasonable recourse. Or, if she is old enough by then, hand her off to a military recruiter. And right before she heads off to basic training at Parris Island, tell her that drill sergeants love when recruits roll their eyes.