Friday, June 07, 2013


Well, whaddaya know?  It appears that designing swimsuits for women with a short torso and big boobs still lies outside the reach of human achievement.  While I found a skirted bottom fairly easily last year, I failed magnificently in my attempt to find a top that would even begin to fit my particular proportions.  What this means is that I am starting out the pool season here with a halter tankini top that I purchased from Lands End back in 2006, one that - in its original, pristine state - marginally did the job but still left a lot to be desired. 

Dear swimsuit designers, I sort of hate you.

Me, in a few years...
Let's just say that the spandex in that thing (of which there was PLENTY to begin with) has simply given up the ghost.  This year I've had to put safety pins in the straps, in a pathetically unsuccessfully attempt to lift my boobs to the proper height (as in, anywhere near armpit level).  Let me tell you, nothing looks more chic at the neighborhood swimming hole than a saggy swimsuit with safety pins in it.  Ooh, la, la!  Desperate, I ordered 4 different tankini tops from Lands End a few days ago and have prayed for rain until they should manage to arrive.  But there is actually a fairly good chance that none of them will fit.  NONE.

Dear swimsuit designers, I really hate you.

Seriously, is it that difficult to take nylon and spandex (lots of it) and fit them around a DDD underwire bra? Oh, and to add adjustable straps so that the altitudinally challenged among us have some chance of hoisting the girls above our belly buttons? Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK?

No swimsuit required
Or maybe it's just our society that is to blame.  I mean, here we are, busy sending astronauts to the International Space Station while we studiously ignore the deleterious effects of gravity right here on Earth.  Why aren't our best minds looking for an answer to the bathing suit support problem, anyway?   One would think that, while chasing after the Higgs-Boson particle or whatever, scientists could at least keep an eye out for a decent swimsuit top for the well-endowed.  But, no - it's cancer cure this and God-particle that, with nary a thought for the under-served demographic of short, top-heavy bathing suit shoppers.  What sort of a world do we live in, anyway?

Dear society, I hate you almost as much as I hate the swimsuit designers.

The end.

[Swimsuit cartoon: Pam Laux]


  1. Too funny. I despise swimsuit shopping. For real. Last year, my ordeal was mind numbing. Adjustable straps are a fabulous idea. Fabulous. Don't swimsuit designers wear swimsuits? They should know this!

    Here are my full thoughts on the matter...

    Good luck!

  2. I found one swimsuit I like (a color-blocked thing by Inches Off) online, and since I burn through them pretty fast by swimming at the Y so often I recently bought one of every color combination they had when they went on sale. I am boring, but boy is that an area where if you find something that works you stick with it for as long as possible. It should not be so hard.

  3. AnonymousJune 07, 2013

    Bastards. As bad as the people designing blue jeans, really. Wonder if there's a market for "designed to order" suits...

  4. If only there was a swap shop where those of us with too little could swap some with those who have more than enough!

  5. Swimsuit shoppping - blech. I think I would prefer to wear that astronaut suit while swimming.

  6. Found you from June's blog. I totally feel your pain! I hate swimsuit shopping! Love the cartoon. For me, I found a one-piece (of course) with a V neck and shirring in the front to hide the belly. Black was the only color that didn't show every single ripple and bulge, so that's what I got. It better last me till I die, because I'm not going through that again!

  7. Once upon a time (in the 1960s), the bikinis in several shops in London were labelled by waist size ... I went to Janet Reger and had a couple of bikinis made just for me - luxury!

  8. Look for swimsuits by Roxanne-they are sold by bra size. When my rump was still small enough to wear them-that's all I wore. Other than that you could look online at

  9. Swimsuit tops should be sold with bra sizes, so you could buy the tankini type you like in a 36DDD or whatever size is appropriate. Why haven't they thought of that yet? If you combine the all the band sizes with all the available cup sizes, there must be nearly 100 possible bra sizes, and then bathing suit tops are just S, M, L. So silly.

  10. And suddenly my painfully flat chest doesn't seem so bad. I still hate swim suits, so we're all in this together.

  11. Yep, it sucks.
    A favorite moment in my life was when a friend's 3 year old hugged my ample thighs and said.
    I love how fluffy you are.....